"You can't dye your hair yellow because it just won't work."–Mister Bubby's style advice for Madhousewife

When Princess Zurg was born–or it might have been before she was born, for all I remember–my mother-in-law made me promise that I would never buy my daughter a Barbie.  (That along with "no anatomically correct words for genitalia before age 10."  But that's another story.)  Never having owned a Barbie myself (no, really), I didn't think it would be such a hard promise to keep.  It wasn't like she said no dolls period–just no Barbies.  She never explained exactly what her beef was with Barbie, but then, it hardly seemed necessary.  For the last decade or two Barbie's shouldered the lion's share of blame for every female's self-esteem issues.  If only Barbie had had proportionately-sized breasts!  If only Barbie had had flat feet and sensible shoes!  No one would have eating disorders, men would be doing their share of the housework, and Hillary Clinton would be President.  Oh, well.

Anyway, fast-forward to the present day.  Princess Zurg still does not own a Barbie.  Technically.  I have bought her a Cinderella ballerina doll for Christmas that is like a Barbie, and I will probably end up buying her a Fairytopia doll, which is definitely a Barbie–though a Barbie with wings, which may be different.  Well, it's obviously different, but you know what I mean.  Anyway, that's neither here nor there.  Though technically without Barbies, Princess Zurg has still managed to become addicted to everythinggirl.com.  There she not only visits Studio B (you know what that stands for!), but also Polly Pocket, My Scene, Flavas, and Diva Starz (which in my opinion makes Studio B look like a NOW rally, but nobody asked for my opinion). 

I worried at first–and okay, I still worry a little now–about her entertainment focusing so heavily on choosing outfits and changing hairstyles.  Where's Barbie the astronaut when you really need her?  But then I have to remember that this is just what girls do–probably what they've always done, even before Barbie.  They like clothes.  They like pretty stuff.  No, not all of them.  Not every boy likes football, either, but a whole heck of a lot of them do.  And there's nothing wrong with that.

Nor is there anything wrong with the fact that thanks to his older sister's influence, Mister Bubby has become addicted to everythinggirl.com, too.  His favorite is My Scene.  First he got hooked on the makeovers.  Then he got into full-fledged shopping sprees.  Eventually he even started watching those lame mini-movies, which go almost entirely over his head, but he loves them anyway.  When he's not on the computer, he likes to have "My Scene parties," in which he draws pictures of the My Scene friends and their clothes and makeup selections and even the food he imagines that they'd enjoy eating.  It's quite a shindig.

At first PZ would have these parties with him, but after a few nights she tired of them.  That's when he started recruiting the rest of us to be his guests and decide what the My Scene friends were going to wear that night.

"What kind of dress do you want her to wear?" he asks, pointing to the selections he's drawn.

"Um," I say, trying to find the most attractive yet modest one, "how about that one?"

"Okay," he says cheerfully, and circles it before moving on to the next item on the agenda.  "What kind of hair should she have?  Red hair or brown hair or black hair or yellow hair?"

And on it goes.  What kind of makeup, what kind of jewelry, what kind of accessories.  Just when I thought it couldn't get any more precious, he finally asked, "And what kind of weapon?"

Now that's accessorizing, my boy!

His favorite character is Kenzie.  He says he likes her because she has such pretty red hair.  It isn't his first crush.  I would say his first true love was Sugar Daddy's character in KOTOR, a female scoundrel named "Lisa Jangles."  (In case you're curious, SD did let MB pick the name.  And yes, I am aware that it sounds like a stripper's name.  What's your point?)  Just a few weeks ago MB was looking at a map in the car and pointing out where he and Lisa Jangles lived.  That's when I found out that he and Lisa Jangles were married.  Well, the other night when I was attending his My Scene party, he informed me that he doesn't live with Lisa Jangles anymore.  He now lives with Kenzie.  This news saddened me at first, but before I could say anything, MB explained the whole thing to me.

"I'm just pretending to be a grown-up," he said.

"Oh, I see."

"Yeah.  When I'm grown up, Kenzie will be real.  But when I'm a kid she's just pretend."

See?  There's nothing for me to worry about.

SD doesn't worry either, especially since MB's obsession seems to be borne out of his firmly-established

heterosexuality.  (After he gives the pretty girls makeovers and gun, he marries them.)  Traditional as SD is in many respects, he's broad-minded enough to buy his son a Kenzie doll complete with a shopping spree playset (on sale this week at Target!) for his fourth birthday (coming up in October).  I call that a man.

Speaking of men, SD has invited MB to come with him to our local high school football game this Friday.  At first MB wasn't interested in going, much to SD's disappointment.  "Did you tell him there would be cheerleaders there?" I asked.  He had.  But eventually MB was persuaded to go because he learned that they'd be serving hot dogs there. 

You see?  All four-year-old boys are alike.