Recently my sister, bythelbs, had a “crazy search terms” contest (which I won, and not because of nepotism but because I rock the crazy-search-terms world). Ordinarily I don’t make a habit of looking at the search terms stats on my blog because it’s like those people who get the genealogy bug and just get obsessed with tracing their roots–I get caught up in the story of how people arrive at my web site, which is clearly inappropriate for most of these people’s needs.  I also discover that a lot of people show up here looking for child pornography–a scenario I do not like to think about, unless I make up some elaborate fairy-tale ending in which the sicko pervs are so charmed by my wit and shennanigans that they are inspired to pursue more wholesome forms of entertainment for the rest of their lives.  (Note to sicko pervs:  Get off the internet.  Save yourselves.)

However, I couldn’t resist this time.  There were way too many of these gems to post on my sister’s site, so I gave her the best ones and you’re getting the leftovers.  Just kidding.  (Well, no offense, kids, but there was a contest going on.)

“come with me little girl on a magic carp”:  Obviously, this is supposed to be a search for Steppenwolf’s “Magic Carpet Ride,” but doesn’t a magic carp sound a lot more interesting? 

“toilet stomach gurgle puke or vomit”:  Only the story of my LIFE.

“gay life in oregon”:  Oregon is a great place for the gay life.  So is this blog.

“big boobs amateur”:  As opposed to the professional big boobs.  There’s a difference.  You might say there’s a big difference.

“i am confused and i do not know what to”:  Me either, my friend.  Me either.

“potty training donkeys”:  I don’t get it.  What’s with all the potty training searches? 

“how to pump a stomach at home”:  !!!

“mormon and ‘elimination communication’”:  I would love to know how these two things intersect in the searcher’s mind.  Is he or she looking for a Mormon approach to elimination communication?  The Mormon doctrinal position on elimination communication?  There is that widespread belief that Mormon women plan to spend eternity being pregnant and giving birth, so I guess it follows logically that we would also spend eternity toilet training.  In which case it looks like I really have made my home a heaven on earth.

“how to pronounce gefilte”:  Like it’s spelled, meshuggah goy!

“bottom costume midsummer”:  At first I thought this was another one of those sicko perv things, and then I realized it was just some naive Shakespeare lover.  I can’t remember the last time I Googled with such innocence.

“mormons doctrine of losing reproductive”:  What?  Losing reproductive what?  Reproductive rights?  Reproductive capabilities?  Reproductive organs?  Where do I sign up?

“duran’s ‘infested tone’”:  I’m sure this could only have led to one of my many posts on Duran Duran.  This has not heretofore been public knowledge, but it’s in my blog mission statement to bring culture to the masses.  I’m glad I could make a difference.

“can tuna ahi fish be eaten by sda member”:  It’s also in my mission statement to educate the masses on the dietary habits of Seventh-day Adventists, especially as it relates to foods rich in Omega-3 fatty acids.

“why cant mormons go out on sundays”:  Because Sunday is when we stay home and use our reproductive before we lose it.

“lisa jangles”:  Okay, this was the name of Sugar Daddy’s first character on Knights of the Old Republic.  He let Mister Bubby name her, and MB was actually planning to marry her when he grew up, but then he turned five and moved on to other ladies.  Or maybe he hasn’t.  Maybe he’s on the internet looking for his childhood sweetheart.  Maybe Lisa Jangles is the name of a famous porn star.  Maybe MB isn’t allowed to use the computer anymore.  I’m going to stop talking about this.

“how did odin lose his eye”:  This is where SD wipes away a tear and wonders how he got so lucky to have a wife who quotes Manowar songs on her blog.

“things mormans wont tell you about”:  Here’s something I will tell you about, dude–it’s MorMON.  MorMON, dammit!

“wacky mormon beliefs”:  You might try to narrow your search a little, buddy.

“yoplait lite ’seamstress’”:  I am racking my brain trying to think of how low-fat yogurt relates to needlework.  I’ve got nothing.  I’m throwing it out to you all now.

“mistress + toilet training”:  And I thought my life was hard.

“nymphomaniac blog mormon”:  I’m pretty sure every Mormon gal with a blog shows up on this search, but I’m probably the only one who actually gets visited as a result of such a search.  Why?  Because I’ve got the toileting posts and the cultural stuff to recommend me.  This is where it all intersects, baby.