I have not been motivated to do much of anything lately, not even blog. My medication is in limbo, and the Reese’s peanut butter cups are not performing their usual magic, so maybe I am just in a bad mood, but it’s a woman’s prerogative to get annoyed for no good reason, at least once a month during her era of fertility, so if you’re not in the mood for petty carping, look elsewhere. You know, that sentence makes me sound much angrier than I probably am. I must have a lot of suppressed rage or something. Well, let’s do this thing.

This is not a Mormon blog. It’s a blog written by a Mormon lady who occasionally goes all Mormony on you. I enjoy mocking my own culture sometimes–not to be all subversive and in your face, but because that’s just how I roll. I mock because I love. I love being a Mormon, and I love Mormondom in general. That doesn’t mean I’m blind to the church’s flaws and weaknesses, in its leadership and/or its membership. Some people wonder why, considering all my doubts and alleged square-peggishness, a sarcastic suckhead like me sticks with an institution that is  designed for cookie-cutter sheep-type people with great teeth and awesome hair. Well, the fact is I am not that special, I don’t like my boat rocked, and my teeth and hair are pretty great, if not outstanding. But it comes down to this: the church is my home. Mormons are my family. We’ve got our skeletons and our crazy Aunt Myrtles. I can take good-natured jokes about this stuff because I’m willing to own the kooks and the skeletons. And in turn I can joke about it because I have such deep affection for the community–an affection I think is obvious to anyone who reads me without prejudice.

It is not obvious to a certain subset of Mormons, people who think being Mormon means never having to be ironic. I’m sorry that you people are irony-deficient. I wish there were a supplement you could take, because then you wouldn’t leave random comments on my site telling me that I’m bigoted and have no manners. This happens from time to time, and I usually shrug it off because, whatever, they don’t know me and they don’t care, why waste the emotion. When somebody leaves a comment like, “Your a little retard, Mormons are great,” I don’t even feel compelled to correct their spelling, or to point out that “retard” is not a euphemism that charming people use. I definitely don’t see the point in explaining that I myself think that Mormons are great, because if they didn’t want to understand the first time, they’re usually not motivated to get it the second time either.

So sometime last year I wrote a verbose review of a Mormon movie called Church Ball–which is an awful movie, largely because it is supposed to be a wacky comedy but it is not a bit funny, but also because it tries too hard not to be Mormon–and recently I got this comment on that post:

I must say, I have seen some of the Halestorm movies for the first time recently and has really enjoyed it. So did quite a few of my friends and family. Personaly I did not like “Sons of Provo”. I did not see “Church Ball” and would like to recomend the few that I found to be quite hillarious. So it could just be a matter of taste. I should also just remind you that if you only find movies funny if it contans an age restriction, profanity, swearing, nudity, adultery, etc. you cannot expect good clean family fun to entertain you and should thus not try and review it. The movies me and my family found to be quite entertaining are the following: “Baptists at our barbeque”, “The R.M.”, “Take a chance”. Hope you find that a little more to your taste. There are also other “mormon” movies, not by Halestorm that are really good. As far as your blog goes, I find it a little tasteless as anyone would find any blog trying to demean an institution because of personal issues.

First of all, where to begin. I’m assuming that if you enjoy Halestorm movies, you must be Mormon. I’m not going to assume that you’re a bad person, but I do figure that we won’t be running into each other at the cinema anytime soon. If you enjoy Halestorm movies, along with your family, who I’m sure are all lovely people, then bully for you. I enjoy a good rerun of What’s Happenin’, and I hope people don’t judge me too harshly for that. I liked Sons of Provo, you did not. That’s fine. Unlike my husband and ten-year-old, I don’t think everyone has to like what I like. Sons of Provo doesn’t fry your burger, and that’s good enough for me. Live and be well. You have not offended me.

What does trip my where-do-you-get-off wire is this implication that my failure to be entertained by Halestorm must be a function of my obvious jadedness. Maybe I “only find movies funny if it contans an age restriction, profanity, swearing, nudity, adultery, etc.” and thus have no business trying to review wholesome entertainment for decent folk.

I’ll have you know, missy–or mister, whichever–that I don’t think profanity and nudity make a movie funny, and I haven’t seen a movie with an “R” rating in more than twelve years. But unlike some people, I don’t think a movie’s good just because it has no swearing in it, and I’m not so desperate to be entertained that I’ll just laugh randomly and hope that a joke shows up to meet me halfway. When you’re recommending a movie to me, I want to know why it’s good, not that it’s inoffensive. Technically, I suppose Church Ball is inoffensive, unless you think it’s sinful to be boring.

That was my problem with Church Ball: it was boring. You’ve never seen it; you’re lucky. I have seen it, and that makes me the expert. It was not funny. It would not have been funnier if they’d said the F-word a lot. It would not have been funnier if they’d used the word “ass” instead of “butt.” It would not have been funnier if any of them had been naked. It would not have been funnier if the entire cast had been naked. It would not have been funnier if there had been more sinning. What would have made it funnier was if there had been authentic characters and a coherent storyline. Perhaps with your limited cinematic experience, you believe that authentic characters and coherent storylines can only be achieved through obscenity. That has not been my observation.

As to the movies you recommended, I haven’t seen any of them but The R.M. I didn’t find The R.M. a very good movie, but it was funnier than Church Ball, by at least a hundred points. Its quality was uneven, but it did have an authentic main character and a semi-coherent storyline. It would have been even funnier if it had been less lame, but swearing probably wouldn’t have helped a bit.

Also, I have seen other non-Halestorm Mormon movies, and some of them are very good. They are not Oscar caliber, but Mormon cinema is in its infancy, and I judge low-budget films by a slightly different standard. Maybe that’s the soft bigotry of lower expectations, but it’s not the kind of bigotry you’re talking about.

Which brings me to your last sentence: “As far as your blog goes, I find it a little tasteless as anyone would find any blog trying to demean an institution because of personal issues.”

I confess I do not know what to do with this. Which institution am I demeaning? If I say that Halestorm tends to make low-quality movies (which it does) and that Mormon filmmakers have yet to produce a Citizen Kane (or whatever), I am not demeaning Mormon filmmaking in general. Actually, I’m doing it a favor by letting it know how it can improve, and I think I do it in a way that’s considerably nicer than Simon Cowell’s constructive criticism.  I am certainly not demeaning the Church or its people.  The Church and its people deserve better than Church Ball.  And The R.M., no offense to it or the lovely people who find it hilarious.  The only “personal issues” I have are with people who think it’s “tasteless” not to embrace mediocrity in the name of good, clean fun.

You know what I think is tasteless?  Chalking up your disagreements with someone to a personal grudge or a psychological problem because you are overly sensitive about your religion and your taste in movies.  Thank you for putting me in my place.  Now you can go get a life.