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Dear Nosy People,
If I’m not walking right next to my two-year-old on her little trike, it might be because her autistic and flagrantly disobedient brother has run off on his trike in the opposite direction and is about to cross a street that is far busier and wider than the one you’re driving on. So if you don’t like the way I care-take, you all can suck it.
Sincerely,
Madhousewife
P.S. That’s why only sighted people can drive: so you can BE CAREFUL.
My daughter’s school just called. I was afraid at first because I thought she’d done something bad. But no, it was nothing she’d done. She’d just gotten her period.
Excuse me.
AAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe in———and breathe out.
Okay. It’s okay. I’m all right now. No, I’m not.
THIS IS NOT HAPPENING! SHE’S ONLY TEN! TEN!!! I KNOW YOU CAN GET IT AS EARLY AS EIGHT OR NINE, I DON’T CARE, SHE’S JUST A BABYYYYYYYY!!!!
Honestly, I am ready to cry.
Thank God we have already talked about this, so it’s not like it came as a shock and she went all Carrie on everybody, but damn. Damn. Sorry, but I’m not ready for this. I’m just not ready. The poor thing. She still plays with dolls and believes in the Tooth Fairy. Curse our omnivorous, factory-farm diet laden with beef and dairy products made from cows injected with superhormones! It isn’t right for a ten-year-old to slough off superfluous uterine tissue! What a world, what a world.
Okay. I’m calming down now. All right. This is just a milestone. It’s not a bad thing. She’s just growing up. It’s a good thing. It’s a sign of a healthy reproductive system. Healthy reproductive systems are good IF YOU’RE READY TO REPRODUCE! Aaaaaaa….no, it’s fine. I should make this a positive thing. I should mark the occasion, welcome her to the sisterhood, as it were. Other cultures have some kind of ritual for this sort of occasion, right? Should I set up a red tent in the back yard? No, that’s not good. There must be a better idea out there. Where’s my Inner Feminist when I need her?
Actually, I just found a web site devoted to menarche rituals. I’m going to need a tambourine and some sprouts. Dear God, what have I come to?
Maybe it would be easier if I weren’t on my period.
(Oh, shut up, like you couldn’t already tell.)
Sibling Team-Building
Mister Bubby: Girlfriend, you’re the best baby.
Girlfriend: I not best baby.
MB: You’re the BEST!
G: I not best!
MB: You are!
G: I NOT BEST!
Giraffemom: Gee, what a humble baby.
Princess Zurg: Oh, Girlfriend, you’re so humble. But you have to have self-esteem, too!
I’m raising perverts
Giraffemom: Mister Bubby, if you slap me on the bum one more time, I’m going to turn around and slug you.
Mister Bubby: Why? Daddy does it.
GM: That’s different. He’s my husband. You’re my son. It’s weird.
MB: Why is it weird?
Princess Zurg: Just think of it as naked. Then you won’t want to touch it.
GM (quickly): No! Don’t do that.
PZ (innocently): What?
GM: Gah, just change the subject!
X-Files: I’m a Believer
So Sugar Daddy and I saw the new X-Files movie on Saturday. We would have gone on Friday, but my sister was in town, and she takes precedence even over the X-Files. It’s true! Now you know how deep the sisterly love runs in this family. Anyway, we had heard it had gotten bad reviews, but we cared not a whit and saw it anyway because we’re like that. About the X-Files, anyway. Well, I’ll let my husband speak for himself, but I liked it. I liked it loads. It was like a really good episode of the show, only bigger. It was creepy and weird and touched on all the familiar themes of faith and science and trust and loss and remorse and expiation and humanness and mutant-ness–just no aliens. Sorry, kids, no aliens! Just human stuff. Psycho human stuff. Sure, there were a couple parts where [sotto voice] it waxed cheesy. But the X-Files has always been a little bit cheesy. That’s part of its charm.
However, it probably only works if you’re invested in the characters. I can’t see walking in there cold and fully appreciating the drama, not knowing everyone’s back story. Despite the fact it was supposed to be a stand-alone, monster-of-the-week feature, it was, as Sugar Daddy said, strictly for the fanboys. Well, I’m a fanboy. I enjoyed it. I’ll watch it again. And again! I’ll buy it on DVD and watch it with the commentary on! I’ll even watch the deleted scenes, even though they always suck! Deal with that, haters.
Mulder’s still got it, by the way. I’d totally do him, even with the beard. Wait, did I type that out loud? I meant that I wouldn’t kick him out of bed for eating crackers. Well, I might if he had the beard, because the cracker crumbs would probably get stuck in there, and that’s just not attractive. But otherwise, I’d deal. You know, assuming I was living in fiction-land, where it wouldn’t be wrong and I wouldn’t go to hell. And he probably wouldn’t be eating crackers in the first place.
P.S. to SD–No, you may not grow a beard.
My two-year-old has a new phrase: “I poop in your shoe.” To my knowledge she has never pooped in anyone’s shoe. (Of course she hasn’t. Pooping in any receptacle other than her diaper would be a step forward in toward toilet training.) So I’m not sure what this means. Maybe it’s supposed to be some kind of taunt, like, “I drink your milkshake!”
“I poop in your shoe! I poop in it!”
I start getting the attitude earlier and earlier.
I found this web site via GitterCritter, and it’s going to provide me with hours of enjoyment between now and November.
Since none of you was able to come up with a good Barack Obama joke on your own, I thought I owed it to you all to spread the good news about the Barack Obama Quote Generator.
Generate a Barack Obama Quote!
“I think it’s time we had a national conversation about disenchantment. We need to get past all the boils and recognize that we are our own best hope for overcoming poltergeists. We need waffles, not hurricanes. Waffles are our peace. And we need to have change in disenchantment.”
Generate your Barack Obama quote at Buttafly.com
Hope you’re enjoying your weekend as much as I’m enjoying my waffles.
And if you visit the BOQG, please share the results here.
I rarely recommend internet reading material, and even more rarely–like never–do I recommend stuff that could be described as “heartwarming.” Because I have an image to maintain, you know. But this morning I read something that I found very touching, and I’m not sure I can even explain why I found it so touching that I had to share, but here it is.
Mike Gallagher is a conservative radio host. I don’t listen to his show, except for snippets I hear on promotional spots, so I couldn’t tell you what it was like, but I read his tribute to his wife, Denise, who lost her fight with cancer a couple weeks ago. I remember hearing that announced on another conservative talk show at the time and thinking, “Oh, that’s a shame,” because it’s always a shame when someone’s loved one dies. But I didn’t give it any more thought than that. Then I saw this column on Townhall.com, and I don’t know why I decided to read it. I guess I thought it was kind of odd that he chose to say goodbye to the late Tony Snow and his own wife in the same column, so maybe I was curious. It turned out that Tony Snow was a personal friend, so it made sense, but the column is really about his wife.
I wouldn’t call it a tear-jerker. I didn’t cry. It was just so real–just a simple, sweet column about his wife and his grief. Nothing fancy. I admit I’m inordinately fond of eulogies. They coax us into putting aside our petty differences and help us realize that people are so much more complex than we give them credit for. It speaks to someone’s basic decency and to our common humanity. Each of us will die, and each of us will lose someone dear, and each of us needs to live better and appreciate more while we’re here.
So the truth comes out: I’m just an old softy. At least on Fridays. Never fear, cynicism and snarkiness will return on Monday. Meanwhile, have a good weekend.
As is my wont, I am poaching my sister’s “wacky search term” blog because I am too lazy to come up with my own themes. Also, there are some real gems this week that I just have to share.
I would estimate that a simple majority of the search terms in my blog stats are harmless and not really of interest. I get a lot of folks searching for stuff about Elvis (THE Elvis, not my Elvis). Also, a lot of folks searching for “things Mormons won’t tell you.” (Lift up your heart and rejoice, gentle surfer, for Mormon secrets are revealed here every day.) Also, a lot of folks looking for information on giraffes and also for giraffe-print bathing suits.
What’s interesting to me is how often I get searches for extremely random things. I get multiple hits a week for “holk,” for example. Who knew so many people didn’t know how to spell “hulk”? Or have people really been looking for my son’s story? Also, you would be surprised how many people out there are looking for “how to pump your own stomach.” Kids, do me a favor: don’t try that at home. Get professional help. You’ll thank me later.
I get a lot of gay-themed searches, the most common of which is “yul brynner gay.” Let me state for the record, kids: YUL BRYNNER WAS NOT GAY! Stop asking! I also get a lot of pregnancy-themed searches, the most common of which is “70 percent effaced.” I also get a lot of pervert searches–and I will spare you the worst of those, as they will not be funny but merely disturbing and icky and will make you want to take a shower, and you may not have easy access to a shower where you are right now. Then there is the combination pregnancy-pervert search, the most common of which is “pregnant ladies naked” or “pregnant ladies having sex.” But my personal favorite is the Mormon-pervert search. Those searches always make the cut for this blog theme. I have been waiting for the super-combo pregnant-Mormon-pervert search, but thusfar I have been disappointed. Seems hard to believe, but true.
Of course, there are the inevitable toilet-training searches, the most common of which is “thomas the tank engine potty chair.” I’m telling you, the cats who license Thomas the Tank Engine are missing out on a sizable niche market. There also appears to be a sizable niche market for toilet-training perverts. These aren’t the same perverts who search for “ladies peeing.” These are the perverts searching for variants of “toilet training mistress.” The first time I saw that in my stats, I thought it was funny. It’s gotten progressively rather unfunny as time goes by and I get at least one or two hits a week from people who have Freudian/Mommy issues. I’m not disturbed so much as I am sad. And a little bit worried. About myself.
So anyway, without further ado, here are this week’s wacky search terms:
mormons repressed homosexuals – this has been a popular one this week, probably because of the shirtless missionary calendar I posted about Monday.
breastfeeding “ahi tuna ” pump dump – I don’t know. It just sounds funny.
pantyhose sweepstakes -
eating burger king while pregnant bad – Indeed. I’ve been there.
is it okay for 9 month baby to watch bar – No. You should wait until your baby is at least 12 months before you let her watch the bar. Ideally, you should wait until she can pour the drinks without spilling. But use your best judgment.
hell testimonies from mormons who went- Do you have a testimony of hell? I do, but I’ve never been there. Unless 10 years of toilet training counts.
trike rear window – Sounds like some luxury trike, eh?
nude “kingdom hall” – My first-ever Jehovah’s Witness-pervert search! Yes!
donuts valium – What can I say, they’re two great tastes that taste great together.
what can mormons eat - Donuts yes, valium no. Unless you have a prescription. For both.
nose hook fetish - Is this supposed to be “hook nose fetish”? Or is there some kind of weird nose paraphenalia out there that I don’t want to know about?
general grievous coloring pages – I get many, many searches for General Grievous, and a lot for General Grievous coloring pages. What happens when Star Wars geeks breed.
“rich lady” “cabana boy” – Sorry, wrong number.
are actors in gay movies really gay? – I don’t know, but I can tell you that none of these actors is Yul Brynner.
nectarine porn – Wha?
parable yeast – Huh wha?
“alison arngrim” nude – Dude, this is Nellie Oleson. Someone wants to see Nellie Oleson nude. And the disturbing part is that this isn’t the first time!
antichrist costume – This is the one I find most intriguing. Who wants an Antichrist costume, and what are they hoping to find?
what blue luggage debra messing carried – It would seem that this person has either a debra messing obsession or a luggage obsession, possibly both. Regardless, the answer, sadly, cannot be obtained here.
fat person chocolate mousse cartoon – Okay, I don’t even need to see the cartoon. Just seeing these words strung together is enough for me.
dummies for housework – Usually it’s the other way around, but I like this better.
sissified guys made girls – Again, the Mormon calendar thing.
giraffe religious group – Where do I sign up?
laidies having babies naked - I don’t know about the rest of you, but I had all my babies naked. It’s not like I’ve got a Baby Gap in my womb, you know what I’m saying?
piggly wiggly portrait – I’m just getting this image of an oil-on-canvas pig picture hanging in someone’s drawing room.
yoda and cindy mccain picture – “Vote for me you must. Help you it will.”
mormon modesty suit – I know they’re probably looking for swimsuits, but the picture I got was something like a fat suit. Which is funnier.
show me ladies having babies – This should become a catch phrase. “Show me the ladies havin’ babies! (Naked!)”
white trash garbage can – A garbage can for white trash, or a garbage can designed by white trash? Could people of other races also use it, provided they were tacky enough?
road rage alphabet of manliness – Remember that old Judy Tenuta commercial where she said “beefy burritos of manhood!”? That’s how I hear this phrase in my mind.
getting killed in sleep – Augh!
50 cents to see the big girraffe - Which reminds me, I should charge more.
valium and weight loss – Here’s a tip: lose the donuts.
yeast giggles – I don’t know what this is, but it makes me laugh.
cartoon wimen that have sexy and cute bo – I think this might be my first cartoon-pervert search. But seriously, who searches for sexy cartoon women on the internet?
faye grant butt – Of all the pervert searches this week, I think I like this one the most. Because who even remembers who Faye Grant is, much less harbors curiosity about her butt?
eeyore pooping – I didn’t want to know, but–too late.
leia orcks socks and hates han solo – I’m having trouble parsing this. Is “orcks” supposed to be a verb here? If so, how does one “orck” and more specifically, how does one orck a sock? And why would one?
slipknot jesus mask – Maybe this is the antichrist costume guy.
normal mormon – And it led you here? I’m flattered!
“how to get sympathy” – If you find out, let me know.
pregnant ladies in the 80’s – Why the ’80s? For the cool maternity outfits? Or the big hair? A specialized pervert indeed.
beef gas pains pregnant women – Another specialized pervert, or just a girl with regrets?
do mormons wear swim suits? - Yes. Except when we’re among our own kind, and then we swim bare nekkid. Just kidding. That never happens. Except at BYU.
vice decadence debauchery indulgence- As Brigham Young said, “This is the place”! I may make this my new tag line.
But the special prize winner is the following “Incoming Link of the Month”:
http://www.pogues.com/forum/viewtopic.php?f=38&t=8811
This blog is in a foreign language, so I have no idea what it’s about, but I just get this sense that my son’s picture of Joseph Smith’s martyrdom is not really appropriate for it.
Happy Googling, friends! Adieu.
According to the New York Times, comedians are having a hard time making fun of Barack Obama. Reasons vary. Some people think the late-night talk show and comedy writers are going easy on Obama because of ideology. That may be true, but I tend to believe what most of the writers and producers in this article claim: there’s no easy laugh here. To wit:
He’s not old.
He’s not a womanizer.
He says “nuclear” correctly.
To the best of our knowledge, he knows how to spell “potato.”
What’s left?
I knew this was a weakness of Obama’s months ago. I knew it when I saw his guest appearance on Saturday Night Live, where he attended Hillary’s Halloween party. That sketch wasn’t very funny to begin with, but the fact they stuck Obama in it and gave him, like, one punchline–which fell flat–just serves as more evidence that Obama is too dignified to be president. He’s so clean and articulate, how can you possibly mock him? Not to mention that he is the candidate of hope and change. Since when is hope funny? Change can be funny, but not if it’s all based on hope. As Mel Brooks said, “Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into a sewer and die.”
No one wants Barack Obama to fall into a sewer and die.
The question is, do we really want this for America? Four years of no cheap shots at the President? What kind of country will we turn into? A bunch of sissies buying arugula at the Whole Foods? You see, right there. Obama eats arugula. It sounds at first like it’s funny, or that it ought to be funny, but it’s just not very funny. Arugula isn’t funny. Rutabaga is funny, but thusfar we’ve heard no report of Obama having a fondness for rutabaga. What are you going to do?
Well, I for one will not stand idly by while my country stops laughing at public figures, just because they’re skinny and they talk pretty. It’s obvious that we need more Barack Obama jokes circling out there. So please use the comment space to leave jokes about Barack Obama–jokes you heard, jokes you made up just now, jokes you heard from someone else but pretend are your own–and let’s get our laughter on while we still can.
I’ll start. How many Barack Obamas does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None. If you have enough hope, the light bulb will change itself.
Yeah, that sucked. You all had better do better. I warn you, though, it’s harder than it looks.
You might recall the blog I did a million years ago about the cat who made a calendar of young, attractive Mormon males, all returned missionaries for the church–only sans their white shirts, ties and black name tags, if you catch my drift, wink wink, nudge nudge. Okay, I just grossed myself out. So this dude, Chad Hardy (such a Mormon name), was excommunicated yesterday after a disciplinary meeting with his local church leaders. I thought you would want to know. Okay, I thought you would probably not care, but I needed something to blog about, and this story seemed to have potential. Also, I’m too lazy to look up more relevant current events.
Some people–a lot of people, actually–probably think this punishment was a little bit of overkill. I mean, it’s not like it was a naked calendar, just a shirtless one. Also, they included pictures of the young men in their missionary attire, along with their personal testimonies of the Gospel. It was, like, an alternative missionary effort, if you will. Plus, part of the proceeds went to charity. So what’s the big deal?
I don’t know what the big deal is. I’d bet dollars to doughnuts, though, that it was more than just the calendar. According to media accounts, some of the 12 calendar models were also called in for disciplinary meetings, but none was punished. Prior to his church court, Hardy said, “You see more in a JCPenney catalog. I just feel like my right to free speech is being violated.”
I always find it odd when Mormons get upset with the Church interfering with their right to free speech. Not that I think people should just sit there and like it when the Church disciplines them for something as innocuous as a pretty boy calendar, but I just think it’s a strange way to characterize what is happening to them. They can’t just say, “The church is way too uptight about x, and they shouldn’t be punishing me for this.” No, it has to be something glamorous and earth-shattering, like their free speech is being violated–despite the fact that this isn’t a breach of the first amendment unless you’re just really confused about what the first amendment means.
I also notice that people will get all huffy about their rights being violated, but will say very little regarding their feelings about being formally separated from the body of Christ. One would think that relevant, if they were upset about the possibility of excommunication. But maybe that’s just me.
Anyway, after his church court, Hardy didn’t seem real torn up about the results.
“I have no ill feelings toward any of those people,” Hardy said of the church council. “They did what they believed was right and I really do feel it was the best decision for both of us.”
Which is convenient, since he doesn’t have a choice. Just kidding. I believe that Hardy is just fine with the decision, as he hasn’t been active in the church for several years, and hence he isn’t missing out on much by being excommunicated. (Not in this life, anyway.)
I have about a dozen cynical takes on this, but none of them is very funny. I was hoping for some funny to come out of this.
The 2009 calendar has sold about 10,000 copies. On a totally unrelated note, does anyone happen to know how many gay men live in the Rocky Mountain region? Just curious.
(And no, I’m not poaching TheTheologiansCafe’s blog. #1, it’s impossible to poach Dan’s blog. #2, Mormons have the inalienable right to blog about Mormon-related stories before all other bloggers, even Theologians.)
(#2 “And no”–I don’t think Chad Hardy is really going to hell. I don’t know where he’s going. I don’t even know where I’m going.)
1. Cold laminating sheets: not worth it. Not to me, I mean.
2. Every day I’m alive, Mother Earth dies a little bit. She dies because I’m killing her. Because that’s how I roll.
3. I could eat kettle chips until my butt fell off. In fact, I think I will.
4. I am addicted to trivial pursuits. Not Trivial Pursuit, the game. Just regular old trivial pursuits. Facebook, Spider Solitaire, crossword puzzles. It’s not harmless. It’s a real disease. My prediction: the next time I try to pursue something trivial, my husband will try to stop me, and he will reference this blog. He will use my own blog against me, internet friends. He won’t understand that I don’t wish to be helped.
5. Every time I start to blog about something, I lose interest. Sorry, kids.
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