Here’s a little contest for those of you who want to flex your creative muscle(s). Write a short story containing as many of the following “I am the Giraffe” Wacky Search Terms as possible:
“fishnet glove”
“gay 50’s actors”
“70 percent effaced”
“cow pelt”
“dude great haircut”
“bathing suit pictures for chubby”
“tampax advertisements”
“elvis postmortem”
“lousy hair eggs”
“people say i look like a transvestite”
“hire a clown for a kids party in reno”
“sensible erotica”
“how can i forget i am mentally ill”
“bare armpits”
“abnormal weenie jam”
“free naked pregnant ladies”
“cocaine and pantyhose stories”
“will you have your stomach pumped”
Bonus Challenge phrases:
“baby shower desserts potty chair”
“aerobics pulse raiser stick people”
“lactation breast smother mind control”
“lds mormon women thoughts on wearing sex”
Points will be awarded based on the number of Wacky Search Terms used, degree of difficulty and artistic merit. You may alter a Wacky Search Term slightly for the sake of grammar, provided you retain the essential integrity of the phrase. Neatness counts.
Fabulous prizes include:
Nothing. You’re here to amuse me.
Okay, maybe I’ll make you a super-neato badge you can display proudly on your site:
Or maybe I’ll have somebody else make you a super-neato badge.
Unless I can interest you in a Snoopy on velvet.
Seriously, whatever happened to art for art’s sake?
8 comments
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September 22, 2008 at 6:37 pm
bythelbs
I don’t know about this challenge thing, but I totally have stories to tell. So the other day I’m leafing through my Cosmo looking for some advice on sensible erotica. What has happened to my Cosmo? It’s all tampax advertisements and cocaine and pantyhose stories. Harumph! I did however find a very promising ad for “Pit Pods”. I’ve been suffering from bare armpits for a couple of years now. What is it about turning thirty that makes your body think it can just stop growing hair in random places? The $39.95 seemed like a reasonable price for a luxurious pit of hair, so I went for it. I guess you might need a little background first. I started shaving my underarms after I heard “Dude, great haircut” for the umpteenth time. Hello! I am all woman! My BFF was constantly telling me people say I look like a transvestite. Boy would they change their tune if they saw me 70 percent effaced! Not that I would ever allow that to happen. Can you imagine? Free naked pregnant ladies! Hello-gross! But anywho, I caved under the pressure of our repressive cultural norms and shaved the pits like a “real woman”. Of course, I almost immediately regretted it. It was a disaster of almost Samsonesque proportions! It was like the source of my beauty, nay, my very life force, had been contained within my almost-too-fabulous-to-be-natural armpit hair. I looked like death—like that gay 50’s actor (what was his name? oh yeah, Elvis) postmortem (that means after he was dead, if he is really dead, that is). And the hair just would not grow back! I tried affixing cow pelts to my precious pits, but they would not be fooled. So I was counting on the Pit Pods to save me. The product arrived the very next day in plain brown packaging—very discreet. Inside I found a bottle of these kind of translucent orangey type capsules and a fishnet glove. The directions said that each capsule (they called them pods—hence, you know, Pit Pods) contains like a million little seed things that will like hatch (like an egg?) inside your body and then your pits will totally re-sprout hair. Oh, and you’re supposed to wear the glove on the hand you use to apply the capsule for your protection or something, which I kind of don’t get because it’s fishnet so it’s like full of holes, right? How protective could that be? Well, let me tell you, I’m on day three and there has been no hatching or sprouting of any kind as far as I can tell. Lousy hair eggs. What a rip off! I was banking on them being my miracle cure for my now lusterless existence. I guess I’ll have to cancel my photo shoot. I was going to get some super cute bathing suit pictures for chubby (oops! I mean hubby! Talk about your Freudian slip! He’s put on a few pounds, sure, but he still makes my aerobics pulse stick raiser, people, if you know what I mean. *wink*)
I’ve also been feeling kind of funky lately. I was on the phone with my BFF, when all of a sudden I totally thought I was going to hurl. My BFF said it was probably the hair eggs. She was all freaked out about it and suggested I have my stomach pumped. I told her I didn’t have time for that. I’ve just been so busy, what with having to hire a clown for a kids party in Reno, plus they just asked me to speak at a seminar on LDS mormon women thoughts on wearing sex (I’m not exactly sure what that means, but it sounds like a hoot!). Well, she went totally ballistic on me! She kept screaming “Will you have your stomach pumped?!” until I finally gave in and agreed. I really don’t think it was the Pit Pods, though. See, I was at this baby shower—baby shower desserts potty chair!—(Woah, sorry, that just like came out! I’m always shouting out random junk. It’s so embarrassing. My BFF tries to make me feel better by reminding me, “Well, you can’t help it. You are mentally ill, you know.” Well, duh, how can I forget I’m mentally ill?) Anywho, I was at this baby shower and they were serving these kind of strange little biscuit things with hot dog preserves. So gross! I’m sure that’s what did it to me. A word to the wise, stay away from the abnormal weenie jam! Anywho, I hope it gets better soon or I might just have to go back to that holistic healer lady and her lactation breast smother mind control method. Hey, laugh all you want, but it totally cleared up that acne (I know, so gross!) on my knees. Seriously!
September 22, 2008 at 7:00 pm
flip flop mama
Ok that was seriously the best thing I’ve read in forever, bythelbs!! You should publish it! I am dying laughing!
September 22, 2008 at 9:51 pm
Alison Wonderland
And with that I think you can declare a winner.
September 23, 2008 at 4:45 am
patience
Bythelbs’ entry was awesome. You get way more interesting search terms than I do. The only people who visit my site are those who are searching for their old GRE results or who want Alice Waters’ roast chicken recipe.
September 23, 2008 at 6:26 am
cheryl
I was gonna try. But Bythelbs took my wind, dude. No competition there!
September 25, 2008 at 5:49 pm
mama mara
(Mama Mara, on her knees, hands up, bowing repeatedly): “Bythelbs: We’re not worthy. We’re not worthy!”
September 26, 2008 at 6:35 am
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