I was just on the Facebook posting pictures and tagging people in pictures, and I was thinking about how my brother-in-law and his wife (not the ones who just got married, but the other ones) share a Facebook account under his name, and how if I wanted to tag her in photo and have her know that she’s been tagged in a photo, I would have to tag her as her husband instead of her, which is kind of weird. And that reminded me that I’ve been wondering for some time why exactly someone would want to share a Facebook account with her or his spouse when it’s just as easy to have one of your own. But then, I’m the kind of person who thinks it’s more convenient for spouses to have their own e-mails, so what do I know?
I actually think I know why people do this. I mean, I assume it’s for the purposes of full disclosure, so you know what each other is doing online in the old social networking sense. I can’t think of any other reason, unless you are extremely, wildly lazy–or alternatively, just not really interested in Facebook. Either of those latter two reasons would make sense when someone is just piggybacking on a spouse’s account, but it doesn’t explain why married couples set up a joint account as John Jane Smith Johnson or John Smith Jane Johnson or some similarly awkward moniker. Theoretically John and Jane could have separate accounts but just share passwords so there are no dirty Facebook secrets, but then that feels more like spying on each other, rather than just having it all out there in the open. I guess that makes sense. It’s just not how my spouse and I roll.
My husband and I not only have separate Facebook accounts and separate e-mail accounts, but we don’t even know each other’s passwords. If my husband asked for my password, I’d probably give it to him. Well, no, maybe I wouldn’t, because when I’ve accidentally kept myself signed in on the computer, he’s done grossly unfair things with my status updates, so giving him my password is just asking for more of the same. Actually, I think I’ve had him check my e-mail for me and given him my password, but he never remembers stuff like that, and actually I think he doesn’t want to remember. I mean, certainly he doesn’t want to be bothered with remembering, but aside from that, I think he doesn’t care to know in the first place. It’s not because we trust each other (although I think we do–except when it comes to Facebook status updates, in which case we definitely don’t), but because we like to give each other space. Or rather, we each like to have our space and therefore allow the other their space. Even online, where all sorts of nefarious ne’er-do-welling takes place and destroys marriages (or so I hear).
I know there are some people who think it’s quite dangerous for married couples not to have this full disclosure and full access to each other’s online business. I just haven’t given it that much thought beyond the fact that my husband isn’t remotely interested in most of what I do online. He reads my blog(s), but he doesn’t know the password(s) for my blog account(s), and if he suddenly wanted to have that kind of access, I would be kind of creeped out, frankly. If he wanted access to my e-mail, I would be creeped out. I reckon most spouses who share e-mail accounts don’t actually read each other’s e-mail but only read what they assume is intended for them, but the idea behind sharing your e-mail account is that theoretically you could read each other’s e-mail, so if one of you is getting e-mail from an ex-lover or something, at least the other is aware of it. But that brings me back to the fact that if you were inclined to carry on with an ex-lover or the Mafia or whatever, you would do that secretly anyway, not with your joint e-mail and/or Facebook account. So yeah, I’m back to not getting it.
I guess my problem is that I’m insecure. I’m extremely fond of my privacy. Not sneaky, destructive privacy like having affairs or doing drugs, but you know, just ordinary-I’m-not-inclined-to-share-this-with-you-at-this-particular-moment privacy. For example, if I’m planning your surprise birthday party. Huh? How’s that for a benign secret? But that’s not really what I’m talking about. When I’m writing a blog or a story or whatever, I like it to be private until I decide I am ready to share it. Just like I don’t want my spouse to read my thoughts, I don’t want him to read my blog posts or even my e-mail until I decide it is okay for him to read it. I like to think that there’s a sphere where I can be alone and have private conversations, but even as I type this, I think that sounds suspicious. “Private conversations”–what does that really mean, Madhousewife? What sort of “conversations” do you need to keep “private” from your husband? Well, nothing that interesting, I assure you, so maybe I’m just a naturally closed-off and paranoid individual. But I think it’s more that I’m persnickety about maintaining an independent identity.
Technically, I’m not an independent person. I’m a very dependent person. I’m dependent on my husband financially to an extent that probably ought to scare me (but doesn’t, for some reason). And here we are, living in the same house and sleeping in the same bed, and he knows when I’m in a bad mood and the vagaries of my menstrual cycle and all this other information that he probably doesn’t even want to have, but there it is because we are married and we share a life. But I want my space. I not only want time to myself, but I want a place to think my own thoughts and have my own relationships and yes, have “private conversations” about banal things that aren’t of any concern to my husband and wouldn’t harm him in any way if he knew about them but he doesn’t need to know about them, and so I don’t share them.
The funny thing is that I started out thinking that spouses who share everything are weird, but the more I talk about it, the more weird I sound. And actually I don’t think of these sharing-everything people as “weird”; it’s just not my thing, sharing everything, so I can’t relate to the experience of desiring that, let alone doing it. And I actually think I am probably the weird one. You’re worried about my marriage now, aren’t you? Well, don’t. Everything’s fine.
And even if it wasn’t, I wouldn’t tell you. Well, no, I probably would, but I haven’t, so there it is. It’s fine.
47 comments
Comments feed for this article
April 9, 2010 at 11:05 am
Susan M
Your husband actually reads your blog? I’m not even sure my husband would know where to find mine. He’s never been interested in the same online stuff I am. He finally joined Facebook as a networking measure for work. Flickr, too. It’s been fun having him posting stuff on Flickr, but he’s not into it the way I am.
I don’t get the sharing-email-addresses either, and had no clue some married people actually share the same Facebook account. How’s that work? People from the wife’s high school can’t find her because she’s using her husband’s name? That’s no fun.
April 9, 2010 at 12:36 pm
madhousewife
Exactly!
Actually, I have a friend from high school who shares a FB account with her husband under his name, but I still haven’t friended him/her because it actually feels weird to me to ask him to be my friend even though I know it’s really both of them, not just him, but I seem to have a psychological problem with it. I like her husband just fine, but I’ve only met him twice in my life and it seems weird to make a friend request of someone I’ve only met twice, even though I know it’s not really him, but both of them. (Well, apparently I only “know” it. Obviously I don’t truly know it in my heart.)
April 9, 2010 at 11:06 am
bythelbs
I get you. I think my husband and I operate in much the same way. We’re not necessarily “hiding” things, there’s just some things we don’t need to know. Not “shouldn’t” know or “can’t” know, but just, you know.
I’m ever-so-slightly annoyed with some of my friends who share EVERYTHING because I would like to think I could have a conversation with just them and not them and their spouses. I don’t care if they want to be all up in their spouse’s business, but they certainly don’t need to be all up in mine. Again, not that I have anything to “hide”.
April 9, 2010 at 11:35 am
foo4luv
Merkin reads my blogs because “that’s the only way [he] knows what’s going on”. He does not, however, read my emails. Nor do I read his. Everyone deserves a little privacy — even from their spouse.
April 9, 2010 at 12:39 pm
madhousewife
Yes, my communication with the husband got much better after we moved to the written form, i.e. my blog. I think I’ve blogged about this before. That way I can say everything I need to say and feel that I’ve been listened to whether I have been or not, and he can read/”listen” to as much or as little as he likes. It’s win-win.
April 9, 2010 at 12:01 pm
Alison Wonderland
My husband doesn’t read my blog much, every once in a while he checks in, I think only because he thinks I want him to (he’s kind of right, I mean I don’t not want him to, I just don’t really care except that I think he should probably know how very clever I am) We don’t share email although it would be plenty easy for either of us to check the other’s I don’t ever log out of mine so all you have to do is go to yahoo. I do specifically know some of his passwords because they’re accounts I check (his work account so that I can see how much he got paid so I can do the bills, for example) and those for which it would probably only take one or two guesses to get his password and he has the same for me, because well, we’re just not that clever around here.
I guess if I was worried about something I could and possibly even would check his email etc… but well, at this point I’m just not.
But I’m with you, the facebook sharing account thing is just weird.
April 9, 2010 at 2:31 pm
tawnya
We don’t share anything. ANYTHING. No…really. We’re weird. It’s my stuff, darnit!
We have passwords to each other’s email / fb / whatever, but we don’t share. He also reads my blog, but only because I finally set up his google reader for him so he doesn’t have to really remember.
And SO MUCH word about him reading = him knowing what’s going on. Even though I don’t blog a lot about him, it’s still nice for him to know my general mood.
April 9, 2010 at 6:45 pm
tawnya
Ugh. By sharing, I mean actual stuff. Like we have our own computers, phones, etc. We SHARE share, but not physical stuff. Because we’re babies about things like that.
I need to go to bed…
April 9, 2010 at 4:23 pm
Julie
Birds of a feather must flock together because I completely get ya on this one.
April 9, 2010 at 6:07 pm
Cheryl
Agreed. Brandon and I know each other’s passwords on things, but even when I go to his email (usually I see it as I’m logging out of it), I don’t read his email. We both have this whole trust thing goin’ on –and like most of the above comments, he reads my blog to know what’s going on in my life. Or my head. Mostly my head.
It’s funny, but the only reason we started sharing passwords was because I was taking over all the finances and needed to know stuff. But then that meant I had to learn his passwords. And then I realized: If he died, would I have access to anything? But no worries now. I have access to EVERYTHING. Excellent…excellent…
April 9, 2010 at 8:27 pm
evitafjord
It’s annoying not to know which person commented or set a status update. My RS president and her husband share a FB account that only has his name on it so sometimes it just is strange the things that it looks like he’s saying, but isn’t.
April 9, 2010 at 8:40 pm
evitafjord
And we are also among those that don’t share – we have separate Windows profiles on the home computer, multiple separate emails, FB, myspace, IM, cars, laptops, phones, office chairs, BLANKETS on the bed. We do share his cozy pajama pants, but that’s against his will (and I don’t share mine with him). We also do share pretty much anything that has to do with money – checking, savings, paypal, ebay, napster, netflix, etc. And I’m pretty sure he’s never, ever read my blog and probably couldn’t find it if he wanted to read it. Which is fine with me.
We’re independently dependent or dependently independent of each other. Something like that. So connected that we don’t have to be CONNECTED to each other. Cheesy, but true.
April 9, 2010 at 9:24 pm
janeannechovy
Funny–I almost posted a Facebook status this week about how weird I think it is when husbands and wives share e-mail addresses or Facebook accounts. I just don’t get it.
April 12, 2010 at 4:14 am
evitafjord
I just came across (friend of a friend) a whole family apparently sharing their FB account. Thejohnandjane Doefamily. What??
April 14, 2010 at 10:07 pm
Flipflopmama
I’m with you–aNd apparently everyone else. We have a spreadsheet with all our passwords to all of the websites we both use so I can get into whatever I want, but I don’t unless I need to. We have separate FB pages and he doesn’t read my blog. I totally don’t understand the sharing thing. I like what evitafjord said about being independently dependent or the other way around. It works for us.
April 15, 2010 at 4:23 am
evitafjord
Awesomely, my husband has hijacked my FB for the last 2 days with random posts and commenting on friends’ status in my name and today he went down my news page and liked every post and every ad in the sidebar. Then he realized that some of those posts might not be like-appropriate. Cleaning up the aftermath now. We’re about to be independently independent ;-). Trouble is, he makes me laugh my head off while he’s doing it so that only encourages him.
April 17, 2010 at 11:33 am
Des J
Well…my husband and I were the same way at one time. We had separate accounts and all unkown passwords. I had 100% trust in him and vice versa…until one day, I get a message on FB from one of his ex-girlfriends saying “your prince charming isn’t who you think he is…i bet you didn’t know that he’s been messaging me”. So, I confronted my husband about it….he denied that he messaged her, but said that she had messaged him. So…my trust went down a little and I found out his password. One day I went into his account and he messaged a different ex-girlfriend while he was traveling for work, giving her his phone number, and asking her to meet up with him and his co-workers for drinks. I blew it…because when my husband and I first met, we had a problem with this girl…she wasn’t over my husband yet and she kept messaging him poems and things and it caused us to fight…so we made an agreement that we would never talk to our ex-girlfriends and ex-boyfriends and just leave them in the past where they belong. WELL…here he is…3 years later, betraying my trust. We now share a facebook for the sake of our marriage and to help me build my trust back up again. Believe me…I miss having 100% trust and having separate accounts like you and your hubby…but we’re all human and we all make mistakes, but most of them have consequences. I’m not trying to scare you…but sometimes we’re so naive and blind that we don’t see what’s really going on.
May 26, 2010 at 4:36 am
JS
Des J…. yours is certainly a reason to share a Facebook account, but I have to wonder about if you you said. Even when “…I had 100% trust in him and vice versa…until one day….you really didn’t if you had an agreement that “…we would never talk to our ex-girlfriends and ex-boyfriends and just leave them in the past where they belong. ”
I’ve probably been married longer than you’ve been alive, and one of my ex-boyfriends from the early 80″s is very good friends of ours! (And we didn’t just have a casual relationship when he was my boyfriend!) Our relationship has evolved from boyfriend girlfriend to good friends. I’m also good friends with his wive and she with me. I’m not a threat to her as I was in his life before she ever met him and vice versa with the old boyfriend and my husband! We share a history together and to wipe that out would wipe out 3 years of my mid 20’s.
In your relationship with your husband, you must have subconsciously realized there may be some problems when you insisted “…we would never talk to our ex-girlfriends and ex-boyfriends and just leave them in the past where they belong. ”
I hope you will never have reason to doubt him again and that one day you can trust him again!
May 5, 2010 at 3:27 am
sa
What about husbands who have their spouses passwords for complete control ? Any and every activity is monitored and controlled. Also, to depict whatever image to the “friends” he adds comments/posts etc as me. (Mind you he has his own private account as well…and makes comments what not using that (as himself) also. Obviously not a healthy marriage…but some passwords are not “shared” in a civil manner, they are demanded, or else….
May 26, 2010 at 4:21 am
JS
Ok ….. I know a reason that a spouse doesn’t have their own Facebook page…their job doesn’t allow or makes it difficult for them to have to have one. Example: One of my best friends is a judge…family court judge. If she did have a Facebook page it would have to be under a false name…so she just uses her husbands!
January 8, 2011 at 6:57 pm
jon
these couples who share accounts, they probably share emails too–how do they plan surprise events? i guess the old fashioned way? that’s probably inconvenient for everyone else involved, these days…
October 24, 2011 at 4:12 pm
Julie P
You summed up exactly how I feel it about! Even down to “even if it wasn’t, I wouldn’t tell you” thought. 😀 Thanks for the post!
October 6, 2012 at 8:48 am
R.N.
Nowadays it is almost impossible to function without FB account. Businesses and even Charities want you to “Like us on facebook”. well you cannot like anyone on FB without an account. If you are like me and don’t really need to socialize via computer and web, the only reason to use FB is for business. I really do not see the need to keep in touch with past friends as mine were mostly female.With the exception of my past relationships all of which obviously ended badly for somebody me or them, I had no real highlights until I met my wife and got married. That does not mean I didn’t have fun, it just means I grew up. My so called privacy went out the window with a wife and kids. I would not trade those for any type of freedom. Family is life and everything else is just window dressing. My wife does not have a facebook but I am trying to encourage her to so I don’t have to have an account just to like or dislike businesses or charities. Also my wife and I share email addresses plural. One for non personal contacts and websites and the other one for family ect. Basically one is for spam. Once again I rarely email for personal reasons. Between my wife, kids, dogs, a few real live in person friends, taking care of the house and property, maintaining the vehicles and working 40-65 hours a week, I have very little time left for social networking with people I do not know. (probably should not have used commas for that list) So if you ask my wife or I if it is weird to share accounts we would say no. We share everything. I believe that is why we married each other to share our lives. Otherwise we could have stayed single and just dated, had sex and lived in separate addresses. I can see why this does not work for everyone. Some of my work associates would probably be fighting or divorced if their wives or husbands knew everything they were thinking and doing. That I guess would justify having your own blogs and online accounts. Who knows maybe my wife and I are just weird. After all most of the nonfamily people that are close to us are much older than we are and have been married almost as long as we have been alive. P.S. If you like sweet red wine try a Pennsylvania wine by Clover Hill Vineyards it is their “Concord”. And no I do not sell it or work for them. It just that everyone who has had it at my place while visiting has loved it.
Well thanx for reading and and have a good one.
March 25, 2013 at 7:36 am
Michelle Frost
My Sweety and I call shared accounts on facebook “two-headed monsters.”
🙂
April 25, 2013 at 7:13 pm
kevin
thats totally a bad idea to share facebook accounts.
How am i gonna post on her wall telling her how much i love her and stuff??? If we share accounts its like telling myself i love myself. Its just weird!
June 8, 2013 at 11:42 pm
amber
I don’t have a fb nor do I want to but your spouse or bf or gf getting pissed off when you happen to see some of their postings on fb is just plain out wrong since he admitted to not wanting me to see them since i’m pregnant is just plain out wrong and decieptful since its me he is complaining about and refuses to talk to about anything. fb is just a way for people to cheat on those they are with.
July 3, 2013 at 6:16 am
Derrick
Are you still married and happy with your spouse? It has been a few years, I would love an updated.
July 4, 2013 at 11:53 am
madhousewife
16 years and counting!
October 10, 2013 at 12:41 pm
JustMe
Well yes privacy is good. But, my husband and I are I. Different countries at the moment and I find out that he has blocked me out from his status updates and pictures that he posts or places he has been. I’m the same I don’t have to share my private stuff but on the other hand why hide or keep things from me?
He says I have a trust issue and it’s not…! It’s more of why are you hiding things if you aren’t doing anything bad, I wouldn’t probably care what he’s doing but the fact that he has put me in this category of not sharing is kind of sketchy. I need an opinion!
October 10, 2013 at 12:49 pm
madhousewife
Well, my opinion is that does seem kind of weird. Has he offered any reason for why he wants to hide these things from you? Because aside from planning a surprise party for you, I can’t think of a reasonable explanation.
December 5, 2013 at 8:30 am
santo cruiz
What a beautiful and wonderful testimony some
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married at the age of 25 i have only one child and i
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and there is nothing concerning love issues he
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( prophetiroko@hotmail.com) And i told him
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should not worry that all my problems will be solved
immediately. He told me what to do to get my
husband back and i did, he said after 3days my
husband will come back to me and start begging, it
really happen i was very surprise and very, very
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both live happily again. So my advice for you now is
to contact this same email
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other things that give you problems. THANKS
August 2, 2014 at 11:30 am
C.Bentley
I have contacted Prophet Iroko regarding my problem n given him all d information he asksd for,now hes asking me for $200 usd to pay for materials to perform the spell,im on an average weekly income an have 7 kidz to look after on my own.i just want to find out more cos diz myt end up as a scam n will make me more heart broken n out of money.please assure me that this is real.where can i find more testamonies regardinf Prophet Iroko.
December 29, 2013 at 11:18 pm
Tim
My fiancé (got engaged 3 wks ago), just asked for my Facebook login details through a text message. I’m totally creeped out. I don’t have a problem with him viewing my page or reading my messages when I am with him, But sending me a message from work to ask for my logging details is super weird. When I asked why, he said “forget about it” and apologized for asking. I’m perplexed and he refused to talk about it beyond “I was trying to find out if you would give up your privacy for me”. He doesn’t have a Facebook page.
July 12, 2014 at 11:47 am
Rebecca Miller
My name is Rebecca Miller I’m from united state, i have been married for 4 years and i have a break up with my husband 3 months ago and i was worried and so confuse because i love him so much. i was really going too depressed and a friend directed me to this spell caster Dr. Laco and i made all my problems known to him and he told me not to worry that he was going to make my husband to come back to me and in just 48hours i receive a call from my husband and he was appealing that i should come back to the house. i have never in my life believe in spell and but now it have just helped me and i am now so happy. All Thanks to him and if you also want to have your Husband back to yourself here !! his emailAddress(lacopowerfulspellcaster@yahoo.com) i am so happy to testify of your work and kindness
January 15, 2015 at 12:34 pm
Aubrey Jones
In Marriage there is nothing called “PRIVACY ” but respect
I am a husband and have been married for over 15 years
I have bliss in leaving my email , Facebook account open on the computer used by everyone at home , I disagree with you on Privacy
Your husband is naive and let me be BLUNT , those who CHEAT always are the least ones you expect to , especially those with water tight passwords on social accounts
I have seen my friends’ marriages ruined by Facebook , Whats up etc
Please do not take us for granted
February 27, 2015 at 8:19 am
TB
Sharing a FB account is weird! Get your own darn life and be who you are! If you can’t be an individual human being than something is out of whack, hidden, skewed, swapped, tricked, deceptive, or some agenda is going on! Period, end of story children!
March 24, 2015 at 5:48 am
T.E. Way
This is pretty funny. I keep wondering why people think that only couples who share a page have an issue with privacy or cheating etc. There are some of us who share a page for the very reason noted in the blog, one partner is not really into Facebook, but wants to stay connected with some people they know or the oddball family member. For years, I utilized my own account and my husband never had any interest. We started sharing updates on my page every once in a while over coffee or afternoon tea. After I had a very bad falling out with a family member and was sick of the repeated “violations” being sent to Facebook, I deleted my page and we decided to share one. We have friends that combined their accounts because of cheating, we know that does not solve the underlying issue, but we use ours to keep up with a handful of friends and family members. We clearly mark posts and comments with our first names. We have separate email accounts and a family email account, separate bank accounts, but a shared bed. I think it’s okay to share a FB page if you are not sharing everything else. To us, it’s no different than going out to eat with friends, we don’t get separate tables. We share our social life, but still retain our individual hobbies, likes and friendships. We’ve been doing this for a few years now and it hasn’t been an issue and even if it was, who really cares? It’s Facebook. If you are that concerned about a social media account..I would think there are more important things to talk about concerning your relationship. We place way too much value on social media. That’s just the opinion of a joint FB user. Doesn’t make it right, doesn’t make it wrong. Do what brings you joy and enhances your partnership. I fight bigger battles, like don’t use my toothbrush or game under my username…that’s a big no-no, just saying 🙂
April 30, 2015 at 7:56 am
Maus
This be old, but I just found it. I think it’s silly to share facebooks, but I get that sometimes (husbands mostly) do not want their own account, but would like some access to mutual friends and family, especially distant ones. My husband will get on mine sometimes to browse my cousin (his best friend)’s photos since he’s overseas. And he’ll comment. But we don’t share one. We DO share an email. No one emails anymore and the only emailing either of us do is mutual business. House hunting, emails with the realtor, comments for businesses etc
September 2, 2015 at 9:41 am
D. Mellein
I think it’s juvenile and nauseatingly insecure to have your spouses passwords, FB and emails..and to view their cell phones. I consider that abusive control. If your spouse wants to cheat..they ARE GOING to cheat. If you are a ball-busting jealous control freak..they are only more likely to want to cheat! We ALL need our space and adult rights for mental health.
November 2, 2015 at 2:13 am
brian
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They can get phone records such as deleted text messages. They can monitor their computer usage.
The use hidden audio and video devices. They can send in female decoys to test their intentions.
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January 22, 2017 at 9:49 pm
Moni
When you make a marriage commitment there are no secrets my husband and I own a business together & we are best friends lovers exc. But I have nothing to hide from him nor him me, so if I have a surprise party for him I would contact ppl directly not by fb
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