Look at me, posting again already! It hasn’t even been two weeks yet!
If you think I’ve been neglecting this blog of late, you should see my family blog, i.e. the blog I created to post pictures of my family and let all our loved ones know that we’re still alive, even though I never call. (Do any of them ever visit my web site? Well, sometimes they do. The grandparents always do, and that’s what matters.) I used to be pretty good at keeping up with it. It was, after all, much easier than actually remembering to call people during hours they might be awake. At least it seemed to be. I posted absolutely nothing in January, February, March, April, and May–and then in June I posted, like, 40 posts (catching up on everything that had happened since…November last year). I was all caught up just in time for summer festivities, and I swore that I would never get that behind again (because man oh man, what an absolute pain in the buttinsky all that blogging was). But guess what? I posted absolutely nothing in July, August, September, and October–and now that it’s November I am poised to post 800 pictures of crap we did over the summer (and half of the fall). I need to get caught up before Christmas…so I’ll be ready to post again in June 2013. HAHAHAHA! (That is supposed to be bitter, sarcastic laughter. I really don’t find the prospect at all funny. Maybe because I’m only on picture 87 so far.
You may have noticed that I rarely, if ever, post pictures on this blog. It’s not merely for the sake of maintaining my family’s privacy (such as it is), but primarily for the sake of avoiding the tedium of uploading pictures. Truly, is there anything more tedious to do on the internet than uploading pictures? Besides reading The Daily Kos, I mean.
I just finished Fourth of July, and now I’m in the middle of documenting Girlfriend’s Pee-Wee Soccer Camp (a soccer camp for little kids, not for Paul Rubens impersonators), and I just need to take a break, so here I am posting on my real blog, the one that doesn’t require photos. It does require words, though. What words should I write?
It occurs to me that I should take a shower today. But now I’m just getting distracted. As the President of the United States might say, Forward!
No, I’m not going to write about the election. This election has grown tiresome. I mean, how long ago did it start? When were the first Republican debates? 2010? No, that can’t be right. (It can’t, can it? It just seems like it.) Anyway, I’m ready for it to be over. Only four more days! Whee! At least that’s when the political ads will stop. I haven’t seen that many political ads this season because I don’t watch television or Hulu. I only see the ads that are on the internet and someone says, “Hey, check out this ad.” (Usually I’m sorry I did.)
So I guess the end of the campaign won’t make that much of a difference in my life. Most of my suffering has been wading through people’s political posts on Facebook. And that form of unpleasantness isn’t apt to end with the election. It will just be cut in half because only the side that loses won’t be able to let it go. So if I want my Facebook life to improve, I should hope that the President is re-elected, since most of my political FB friends are Democrats. I know what my (non-FB) friend OBL is thinking: “If your time on the Devil FB is so unpleasant, why aren’t you spending more time here blogging? HMMMMM?” Actually, I don’t know that OBL would really follow up with a “HMMMMM?” Especially in all caps like that. It doesn’t really seem her style. But, you know, the sentiment would certainly be there.
Look, I don’t have to explain myself to you. I just have to blog more often. DON’T I???
Where was I? Oh yeah, the election I wasn’t going to talk about. Did I finish not talking about that? I think I did. Except I wanted to tell you that I bought myself an Oven Mitt Romney last month, and I definitely do not regret it. It is a quality product. They sold me a souvenir magnet, too. If they sold t-shirts, I would wear one. I tell people that I’m voting for Mitt Romney just to keep the Oven Mitt Romney business alive. But if he loses, I wonder if their merchandise will be marked down 50%. Oven Mitt Romney could be a collector’s item someday. In the meantime, he’s going to help me bake some cookies. Well, not exactly. He’s going to help me get cookies out of the oven, which is an important step in the cookie-eating process. Oven Mitt Romney is the “you didn’t build that” product of the Republican party. Forty-seven percent of all cookies will be eaten by me no matter what.
I could go on and on in this vein. I should do a commercial.
Mercy. What else can I tell you? Halloween went fine. It wasn’t nearly as soggy as I feared it would be. The kids got lots of candy. I know a lot of parents who only let their kids eat ten pieces of candy and then they have to give the rest away or something. As I was telling my husband, I may be the biggest Halloween Scrooge on the face of the earth, but I still let my kids eat as much Halloween candy as they want. I know it’s bad for them, and I’m a terrible human being, but good grief, they went out begging door to door in the rain and mud, they should at least get to keep their bounty. We wouldn’t want those Laffy Taffys and fun-size Milky Ways to die in vain. Of course, my kids get so much sugar on a regular basis that the candy part of Halloween is not particularly thrilling. In a week or so they’ll forget they have it and a year from now I’ll find half-full bags at the bottom of their closets. (Then I’ll throw it away. So I guess some of that candy will die in vain. Tootsie Rolls start out dead, so it should be no big deal for them.)
Speaking of Halloween candy, I sampled a caramel-apple Milky Way on Wednesday. I usually stay away from caramel because of my braces (not to mention my bad jaw–but usually the amount of caramel in a candy bar isn’t enough to aggravate my jaw condition), but I was intrigued and couldn’t resist. I thought it was tasty. I could have just been hungry. I could have just had PMS. I did only eat a half-inch by half-inch square of it. But I thought it was tasty. Too bad they’re probably just seasonal.
One of the things I enjoyed about Japan is that they sell stuff like Ritz Bitz sandwiches and Kit Kat bars but in flavors that you can’t get anywhere else. They sell wasabi and soy sauce Kit Kat bars, which I wasn’t so fond of, personally, but it’s just the principle of the thing that’s awesome. You just don’t get that sort of flavor adventure in the United States. Once I saw a coffee-flavored Kit Kat bar in a 7-Eleven, and I thought to myself, “Ooh, I have to try that,” but I was busy purchasing Slurpees for my kids at the time and so I didn’t pick one up. And that was the last time I ever saw one. Being a Mormon, I’ve never drunk coffee. I don’t know if I’d even like drinking coffee. But I love the smell of coffee, and I love coffee-flavored desserts. My husband and I were probably the only people in America who loved the coffee-and-cream Oreos they sold for a few months about ten years ago. Good night, was it that long ago? It must have been. I loved those Oreos. Usually, I’m not one to mess with the Oreo recipe. I don’t like mint-flavored Oreos, and I don’t like peanut butter Oreos (and I love peanut butter), and I don’t like those other Oreos that taste the same but have seasonal-colored cream filling because they’re just wrong. To me the Oreo is perfect as it is and should not be tampered with. But I did love the coffee-flavored Oreos. Was it because they made me feel all transgressive and badass? I don’t think so, because it was artificial coffee flavoring. Only those desserts flavored with real coffee make me feel transgressive and badass. I think I just genuinely liked the way they tasted. Maybe because I have bad taste in Oreos. Everyone else I knew thought they were disgusting. And maybe they were, but I liked them, so sue me.
Well, I’ve gone without a shower long enough. I’ll just leave the rest of you to it. (Whatever “it” is. My “it” is going to be a shower, but I’ll be doing it alone. As far as I know.)