Does anyone know when television news began catering exclusively to the stupid?  This just in:

“Laura Bush says she and Teresa Heinz Kerry have a lot of things in common, including the fact that they’re both married to men running for President of the United States.”

That was just the teaser.  The full story included much more insightful commentary, such as the fact that “each chose the same color suit to wear to last week’s presidential debate, something Mrs. Bush hopes not to repeat this Friday.”That hard-hitting report was followed by actual video footage of Mrs. Bush telling Jay Leno, “I think we have a lot in common.  For example, we each chose to wear the same color suit at that last debate.”  Not only that, but Mrs. Bush announced that she, for one, will be wearing blue this Friday.

I am so glad I know that.

I mean, no offense to Mrs. Bush, who seems like a nice lady and was just making small talk with Jay Leno, who seems like an all-right guy, too, but if this had been an actual emergency, I would have just watched the Tonight show in the first place.  I mean….?

The recent local coverage of
Mount St. Helens has been equally riveting.  “Scientists are carefully watching to see if these rumblings will just go away…or not.”

Hot damn, Nellie Olsen!  You mean there are two possible outcomes to this scenario?  Slow down a minute and let me get this straight.  The volcano is either going to erupt or not erupt?  Stop the presses, kids, because I smell a Pulitzer.Speaking of what “scientists” say, the scientist in our family gets really perturbed when news people use the generic term scientist as though it has some inherent credibility that needs no further clarification.  The folks in charge of monitoring
Mount St. Helens‘ every burp and gurgle are geophysicists.  Say what you like about the intellectual capacity of the average American, but only the most brain-dead among us might have difficulty deducing from the context that a geophysicist is a scientist who might know something about volcanoes erupting or not erupting. “Geo-phizzy-who?  Dadburnit, why can’t them news guys just speak English?”

It upsets me that these people are getting paid to give us useless information, and that poor shmoe who just wants to teach algebra to the masses has to do so at 2 a.m. on the public access channel.  Lousy capitalist bastards.

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