1. Coding by hand. No offense, Scott, but being a nerd is overrated. I must be cooler than people think I am, including myself.

2. If my butt gets any bigger with this pregnancy, I’m going to need a new maternity wardrobe, which isn’t a fun investment when you’re pretty effing sure you’re never going to get pregnant again if you can possibly help it.

3. Shedd’s Spread Country Crock. I like one type of spread margarine and one type only: Gold ‘n Soft. Unfortunately, we ran out of it, and when Sugar Daddy went to Albertson’s, he balked at paying 40 cents more for it than he’s used to paying, and he came home with this 48% vegetable oil crap instead. Gold ‘n Soft, by contrast, is 85% vegetable oil. Does that make it higher in fat? Of course! But it also makes it higher in good. And it doesn’t soggify my toast on contact, either. And before you go making connections between this and #2, smartypants, I’ll have you know it’s my Cheetos habit that’s expanding my butt, not my margarine. Don’t be dissing my margarine, people. I’m pregnant and I’m fat and I’m not in the mood.

4. Mister Bubby’s encopresis. Toilet training is so not the issue anymore. This is a blog unto itself, which I will spare you for now, but only because I’m feeling a bit queasy myself.

5. Poop jokes. They just aren’t as funny as they used to be.