When was the last time you…

changed a diaper?  About two hours ago

forgot your own name?  I don’t remember.  Basically, my brain loses that piece of information about half the time it’s asked to retrieve it.

ate an entire bag of Doritos in one sitting?  Never.  But I could.  What is it with Doritos?  They don’t taste good, but I can’t stop eating them.

had to ask for ketchup at the drive-thru?  About 9 days ago.  I always have to ask for ketchup!  Is there some kind of freaky ketchup shortage in
Oregon or something?

put down The Man?  Dude, my very existence is a put-down of The Man.  Okay, I’ve never put down The Man.  I’m a fraud.  So sue me.

Thumbs Up/Thumbs Down

Little Debbies snack cakes–good or gross?  Definitely gross.  Nutty Bars aren’t as gross, but they can only be categorized as “good” in a really gross way.  I feel wrong eating them.

Peppridge Farm Goldfish–lifesaver or Satan’s food?  Both.  I hate being indebted to Satan!

Cheerios–yummy and nutritious or scary and disgusting?  Scary and disgusting.  But you knew I’d say that.

Neil Diamond–cool or totally uncool?  Cool!  Except for that “Heartlight” song, which was in my head all day yesterday after reading barkstone’s snarky commentary.  Thanks a lot, barky!  This one’s for you:  Hellooooo, my friend, hello…

Love Boat: The Complete Nine Seasons on DVD–a project whose time has come?  Maybe not the last couple seasons, but the first six or seven?  I’m there!

White chocolate peanut butter cups–stroke of genius or abomination?  Abomination!

This quiz so far–best ever or so effing lame you can’t believe it?  (Same to you, pal!)  Modesty prevents me from answering.

Either/Or

Leno or Letterman?  Letterman

Huggies or Pampers?  Huggies, but only when I’m feeling flush.

Breath mints or chewing gum?  Breath mints.  Chewing gum hurts my jaw.

Harry Potter or  Lord of the Rings?  (NO, NOT BOTH!  YOU MUST CHOOSE!)  Harry Potter.  Because I’m a Philistine.

Ellen or Rosie?  Ellen.  And I don’t think I’ve ever seen her talk show.

Time or Newsweek?  Newsweek.  Apparently I am in a minority here.  But Newsweek has George Will.  Come on!

Parents or Parenting?  This was a throwaway.  I’d rather give birth again than read either one.

Faulkner or Hemingway?  What was I thinking with this question?  But I suppose I have to answer it now.  In the short story format, I think I’d go with Faulkner.  In the novel format, I’d have to go with Hemingway–because the sentences are so much shorter.

Henry IV Part One or Henry IV Part Two?  (NO!  YOU MUST CHOOSE!)  I’m partial to Part One.  But Part Two is not without its charms.

Mormons or Seventh-Day Adventists (no, I won’t take it personally)?

I don’t think I’ve ever known any Seventh-Day Adventists, but I can’t imagine them being more fun than Mormons.  Our very existence is a putdown of The Man.

Minivan or SUV?  (NO!  YOU MUST CHOOSE!)  Minivan, all the way!


Portland or
Seattle?  I admit I was just trying to bait transvestite rabbit with this one.  But of course
Portland is better.  (There I go again.)

Miscellanae

How many loads of laundry did you do this week?  Twelve.

Would you ever give your baby the same name as a Muppet?  Yes.

What’s the point of sending Christmas cards to people you haven’t spoken to otherwise for the last ten years?  I don’t know.  Lord have mercy, I do not know.

If Harrison Ford and Steve McQueen got in a fistfight, who would win?  Okay, no offense to you
Harrison fans–he’s cute and all, but there’s only one correct answer to this question.  It doesn’t matter if he’s fighting Harrison Ford or Russell Crowe or Vin Diesel or Freddie Kreuger–MCQUEEN ALWAYS WINS!  Even 25 years dead, he still wins!

Is Roeper even half the man Siskel was?  I was just curious because I haven’t seen the show since Roeper came on it.  I just miss Gene Siskel sometimes.  You can’t trust Ebert’s judgment.  That cat’ll watch anything.

Essay

Have you ever been to prison?  Explain.  No, I haven’t, because I’ve never been convicted of a crime, and I’ve never been on speaking terms with someone who was doing time, and I’ve never had to participate in one of those “scared straight” things.  But if you want to talk metaphorically…well, that’s a whole other blog.

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