You know what I hate doing?  Licking envelopes.  It isn’t the taste I mind so much as the fact that it dries out my tongue.  I don’t like having my tongue dried out.  Also, I’m always afraid I’m going to get a paper cut.  I don’t think I ever have, but man, I’d hate it if I did.  My mother used to work with this German guy who’d come into her office while she was paying the bills and tell her that she shouldn’t lick the envelopes, she must never lick the envelopes, if she only knew what he knew she would never lick another envelope again as long as she lived.  I’m not sure what his being German has to do with the story, except that it sounds more compelling if you can imagine his accent.  Maybe you can’t.  I’ve often wondered what he knew about envelope adhesive.

I started out the new year right by using up my brown bananas before they became brown, moldy bananas.  I made some of my patented orange-banana-oatmeal muffins (okay, they’re not patented, they’re patent-pending), but unfortunately with all of the child-originating interruptions, I neglected to put in both the oil and the sugar.  The good news is that without oil and sugar, muffins aren’t that bad for you.  The bad news, of course, is that they taste like hell.  The good news is that I melted some chocolate chips on them and they tasted good again.  The bad news is that no one in my family eats baked goods but me, so I’ve been popping chocolate-covered, no-longer-not-bad-for-you orange-banana-oatmeal muffins like they’re Zoloft.  Unlike Zoloft, they are not low-calorie.  (“But it comes with a free frozen yogurt!”  “That’s good!”  “The yogurt is cursed.”  “That’s bad.”  “But it comes with your choice of free toppings!”  “That’s good!”  “The toppings are also cursed. ……..  That’s bad.”  “Can I go now?”)

For those of you who may have missed my first blog o’ 2005 or who have better things to do with your brains than remember my blathering from a year ago, I shall do a brief recap.

Last year, on “I am the Giraffe”…

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MAD’S NOT-AS-WELL-LAID PLAN FOR 2005

1.  Toilet train Mister Bubby.

2.  Become comfortable with power tools so I can install my Tot Loks™.

3.  Hang up my pictures.

4.  Start exercising again.

5.  Clean my bathroom.

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This year, on “I am the Giraffe”…

So here we are, 2006, and all I can say is, two and a half out of five isn’t bad.  (Can I count cleaning my bathroom more than once?  Because I did.  It was a better-than-average year.)  Obviously I should have written something more along the lines of “Give birth to yet another unreasonably attractive child,” but I wasn’t that forward-thinking in those days.  (I’m definitely not that forward-thinking now.)  Or, alternatively, I could have written, “Gain 45 pounds so I never have to wear anything but maternity clothes again as long as I live,” but even I am not that desperate for a success story.  I certainly can’t make that goal for this year because I’d have to buy a whole other maternity wardrobe to accommodate myself.  On the plus side, the baby really is cute.

So ordinarily I don’t fret so much about the caloric value of things–actually, I find that pastime so very, very dull, and highly annoying coming from anyone but me–but this year I’ve set myself the very, very dull goal of losing my baby weight.  Make that my Excess Pregnancy Weight, since I’ve already gone on the Lose Ten Pounds Overnight By Giving Birth Diet, and that’s done me about as much good as it’s ever going to.  I start my tap class again two weeks from now, which ought to help, but I should also probably work in some other form of aerobic activity, since “Stop eating like a professional wrestler” isn’t likely to escape the ash-bin of Mad’s Even-Less Well-Laid Plan for 2006.  (Next year, on “I am the Fat Giraffe”…)

Unfortunately, the yogurt is also cursed.  The best time for me to exercise is first thing in the morning before the kids wake up.  Back when I still exercised, I used to actually do this.  Daily, in fact.  What I found, though, is that no matter how early I got up, at least one of the kids would adapt to my new schedule and wake up about five minutes into my workout.  I got very little sleep trying to outsmart them, and immune system went to hell.  Which is why I didn’t bother with exercise for the next two-and-a-half years–during which, I should point out, my immune systen has been markedly more robust.  (COINCIDENCE???  Probably, but I’ve enjoyed the extra sleep all the same.)

So I know I’m not going to get up at 5 a.m. for anything these days, unless maybe it’s a fire.  So I have to get creative.  Or, alternatively, stop being lazy.  Either is a daunting task.  Which is why I’m going to finally hang up my pictures this year, just so I leave something off my Things To Do in 2007 list.  Oh, and clean my bathroom again.  Whether it needs it or not.

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