You know what’s gross?  Caffeine-free diet Pepsi.  Gah!

I leave for vacation in approximately 48 hours.  I’m not ready to go on vacation.  I hate packing for long trips.  I know it’s incumbent upon me to remember everything, and I never feel like I’m remembering everything, even when I am, so packing is very stressful for me.  Not quite as stressful as leaving up to someone else, though.

We’re going to St. Louis to see my sister and her family, then we’re driving up to Chicago to see Sugar Daddy’s brother and his wife.  (SD’s brother’s wife, not SD’s other wife–just in case it was unclear.)  As long as we’re in the Midwest, we thought we’d also visit friends in Wisconsin, Indiana, and Michigan.  Because, you know, they’re right there.  Except they’re not.  Actually, the friends from Wisconsin and Michigan will meet us in Chicago.  I don’t know about the Indianans.

I’ve never been to the Midwest, except for layovers at airports, which don’t count.  On our way up to Chicago, we’re going to do the whole Mormon tourism thing, see all the church history sites and whatnot.  Well, maybe we won’t have time for whatnot.  We’re only going to be gone ten days.  But, you know, we’ll see Nauvoo and Liberty Jail–or is it Carthage Jail?  I’m so embarrassed, I don’t remember.  I only got four hours of sleep last night.  Never mind.  We’ll see a jail of some historical significance while we’re there.  How many other religions have pilgrimages to the pokey?  That’s your extra-credit question to research in my absence.  I expect to see your answers on my virtual desk no later than June 30 at 9 a.m. PST.

This trip was ill-timed as far as the baby is concerned.  She’s eating solid food now, so that means I have to actually pack solid food for her to eat while we’re traveling.  What a nuisance.  I also have to pack enough diapers for her and Elvis.  We will probably need a whole other suitcase for that.  I know what you’re thinking.  They sell diapers in the Midwest, too.  I believe it.  But then how many diapers do I take on the plane?  You just never know.  I hate to be short on diapers.  Hopefully I won’t need to change any diapers while on a plane because that would be awkward.  As many times as I’ve traveled with young children, I don’t believe I’ve ever changed a diaper on an airplane.  Where on earth would you do it?  Maybe that’s what first class is for.

Speaking of diaper changes, I read another news item about Britney Spears.  I know, but I just can’t seem to avoid her.  Does anyone else have this problem?  The newspaper just keeps printing stuff about her, and it’s right there in front of my eyes, and I can’t look away.  Anyway, in case you haven’t heard–like you don’t read the newspaper or something–Britney Spears was shopping at a Victoria’s Secret, buying some thong underwear or something, and she had little Sean Preston with her, and he needed a diaper change, so she changed him on the floor right by the cash register.  Then she tried to give the dirty diaper to the cashier, supposedly.  That part really seems almost made up, doesn’t it?  Well, anyway, I used to be indifferent to Britney Spears, until she had the baby.  Once she had the baby and people started reporting every little mothering mishap that occurred, I started to feel sorry for her.  Yes, I know, she drove around town with the baby on her lap, in some misguided attempt to escape the papparazzi–like they weren’t just going to follow her to her son’s funeral anyway–but after that it was like she was mothering in a fishbowl.  She’s young and stupid and she’s never had a baby before, so sue her.

I confess that I started secretly pulling for Britney Spears.  Come on, girlfriend, you can raise that boy to adulthood.  Don’t let the tabloid headlines get you down. But this changing the baby on the freaking floor of the Victoria’s Secret is just crazy.  I’m still on your side, Britney Spears, but this is more than just a health and sanitation issue.  It’s weird, that’s what it is.  Weird.  Like, here’s a nickel, buy a clue.  If you must change the baby in the Victoria’s Secret, at least use the fitting room.

In the future this section of the blog will be devoted exclusively to friendly parenting tips for Britney Spears.  But not for the next two weeks because I will be in the Midwest, visiting old jails and buying diapers.  Enjoy the rest of June, kids.  Happy Father’s Day to all you fathers.