1.  Is it just me, or are they making shrink wrap SUPER POWERFUL these days?  I used to tear shrink wrap off with my bare hands.  Now I need tools.  What gives?  Not the shrink wrap.  Am I old?  Have I just gotten soft?  Soft in my old age, you say?  Well, all I know is that if one of these childproofing businesses starts incorporating shrink wrap technology into their products, they could make a mint off of me.  Maybe that is my problem.  The childproofing products have been ineffective because I’ve been removing their shrink wrap prior to installation.  Boy, do I feel stupid.

2.  Why is it that on those rare occasions when somebody actually needs the expertise of an English major, it is a question to which I do not know the answer?  “Madhousewife, you’re one of those literary types–what’s the structure of a haiku?”  “Madhousewife, you were an English major–what’s the term for when you use two words that look like they ought to rhyme except that they don’t really rhyme but you use them anyway and sort of pretend that they rhyme, like move and love?”  Hmmmm…I just don’t recall…oh, wait, I remember–WHO CARES?  Come on, people!  Ask me about Southern American novelists.  Ask me about The Waste Land.  Ask me about loan translation, subordinate clauses and transformational generative grammar!  Okay, don’t ask me about that last one because I was sick that day.  Ask me about semi-colons–no, wait, commas!  Go on, ask me about commas!  There’s so much you could learn from me!

3.  Who among you is buying stuff that they’re selling you over the phone?  Because I know that people wouldn’t use telemarketing if it were completely ineffective.  It must pay off somehow.  I just can’t imagine who picks up the phone, hears a complete stranger on the other end talking about Dish Network or some other damn thing and thinks, “I really need to buy me some satellite TV/apply for a credit card/refinance my mortgage right now.”  I guess I shouldn’t be surprised, though.  Occasionally people will buy Mormonism when it’s peddled door-to-door, so why not carpet cleaning?  But that’s an actual person on your doorstep, in your face, being all human and pathetic.  That’s why I bought a quart of green apple-scented all-purpose cleaner that they don’t sell in stores last week.  I hate to say no to people with actual faces I have to close the door on.  If we called you on the phone to tell you about our religion, you’d hang up on us, right?  I mean, there’s a reason we don’t do that sort of thing.  Which reminds me–our first apartment was in a gated complex and solicitors couldn’t get inside, so the Jehovah’s Witnesses would call us on the phone instead.  Isn’t that wild?  I only talked to them once.  Unlike the Jehovah’s Witnesses I have now, who freaking brought me a gift when my baby was born.  It’s not my fault!  I’m just a very polite person–is that a crime???

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