1.  Whose brilliant idea was it to make baby clothes fasten with buttons?  Who has time to mess with buttons on a child who is perpetually crawling or otherwise squirming to get away from you?  One would think, given the hyper-child-safety-awareness of our times, that clothing manufacturers would be afraid to use buttons, which could possibly fall off and find their way into a young child’s mouth and choke him or her to death, prompting a lawsuit on behalf of the parents.  But that’s where one would be wrong.

2.  Have I ever mentioned that I’m about as fond of buttons as I am of Cheerios?  The difference is that I will tolerate buttons on my clothes (my clothes–not my baby’s clothes!), whereas if I had Cheerios on my clothes, I would never be able to get dressed.  I am terribly disturbed by disembodied buttons–or, you know, dis-appareled buttons.  I hate buttons on crafts, too.  When my kids bring home school crafts with buttons on them, they go into the trash as soon as everyone’s back is turned.  One might wonder what’s wrong with me.  But not this one.  No, this one wonders what’s wrong with all of you.

3.  Would you eat a food product called “Cheezly”?  How about “Chreese”?  What I’m really asking here is what the hell is wrong with vegans? You want to be a vegan, just do it honestly, for the love of Mike.  Stop pretending that you’re still eating cheese.  You are not eating cheese.  You are eating cultured refuse.  I don’t care if it is 100% recyclable.  If you come across a company that offers endless varieties of organic, non-GMO Cheezenstein, or whatever, “all delicious and all cruelty-free!” just remember:  you can’t have cheese without the cruelty.  It’s the circle of life, baby.  Circle of life.

4.  Have you heard about the study that indicates that when it comes to ear infections, doing nothing is often just as good or better than giving antibiotics?  I have heard this for years, actually, starting when Princess Zurg was about four.  I had taken her to the doctor because I suspected she had an ear infection–the 437th one of her young life, or something like that–and the doctor said, “Well, yes, she does have an ear infection, but sometimes ear infections go away on their own, and you don’t necessarily need to treat them with antibiotics, you can just wait and see,” blah blah.

And I said, well, sure, doctor, I’m hip–I wouldn’t insist on antibiotics when antibiotics were uncalled for.  So while I’m waiting and seeing, should I give her something for the pain?

“Well, if she’s in pain, you may as well start her on antibiotics.”

Brilliant!  What did this cat think I was bringing her in for?  Worms?  My mother’s intuition is good, but I do not have x-ray vision.  I know my kid has an ear infection because her ear hurts, Einstein! What the freak?

That story has nothing to do with the study, which is perfectly sound.  I’m just saying.

5.  What famous person, dead or alive, would you want to have dinner with?  This question was inspired by Brother Dv8’s post today.  Brother Dv8 says he would like to eat dinner with John Wayne.  I’ve never wanted to eat dinner with anyone famous, dead or alive.  (Except that a dead person would presumably eat less.  Ha ha!  Didn’t see that one coming, did you?)  For one thing, what if they don’t have good taste in food?  I don’t care who I’m having dinner with, so long as it’s not at Chili’s.  And I don’t want to have dinner with someone who’s going to complain the whole time–“Oh, I’m George Bush Sr., I don’t like broccoli, blah blah.”  That’s not scintillating conversation.  But assuming we are eating good food, I don’t think I’d want to eat dinner with some famous person I admire, because what if they turned out to be not nearly as interesting (or nice) as I’d imagined?

The obvious answer is to pick someone who can’t possibly disappoint you.  Which makes the obvious answer Mr. T.  Think about it.

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