Before any more of January goes bye-bye and it becomes so last week to talk about New Year’s Resolutions, I have to do my promised New Year’s Resolution post.


First I shall reflect on my goals for 2006.

[Wavy flashback lines]

[This] year I’ve set myself the very, very dull goal of losing my baby weight.  Make that my Excess Pregnancy Weight, since I’ve already gone on the Lose Ten Pounds Overnight By Giving Birth Diet, and that’s done me about as much good as it’s ever going to.  I start my tap class again two weeks from now, which ought to help, but I should also probably work in some other form of aerobic activity, since “Stop eating like a professional wrestler” isn’t likely to escape the ash-bin of Mad’s Even-Less Well-Laid Plan for 2006.

I’m going to finally hang up my pictures this year, just so I leave something off my Things To Do in 2007 list.  Oh, and clean my bathroom again.  Whether it needs it or not.

Done and done!

Well, sort of.  I’ve lost most of my pregnancy weight.  I can fit into my pre-pregnant clothes again, and isn’t that what really counts?  And my husband hung up my pictures, but hey–it got done, didn’t it?  Doesn’t that count?  And my bathroom definitely cleaned somewhere in there, so I call that three for three, don’t you?  High-five?  Huh?  Huh?

What I’ve discovered over the last couple years is that I do much better trying to accomplish discrete tasks than inculcate new habits.  Which is why, once again, I will not make any vague self-improvement resolutions, such as “Exercise more” or “Be nicer” (as if I could–psh).  Instead of flossing daily, I shall strive to floss at least 250 times this year.  That allows for weekends off and/or a considerable amount of “forgetting.”  It may end up with me flossing my teeth 84 times on New Year’s Eve, but the point is, it’s achievable, and that’s what counts.

Another thing I think I’m going to do is read the Bible.  I’ve read a goodly amount of the Bible already, of course, what with seminary class and Sunday School and two courses in college, but I don’t think I’ve really ever managed to read the entire thing. And, you know, it’s only, like, two thousand pages, so what’s the big deal?  That’s like reading Atlas Shrugged twice (which I’ve done), only with a lot more sex and violence.

Which reminds me, I would like to read a different translation this time.  We have about half a dozen Bibles in the house, but they’re all the King James Version, and no offense to the KJV, which is a remarkable literary achievement–one of my English professors called it “the only good thing ever to come out of a committee”–but trying to read 2,000 pages of it in a row is like pedalling uphill with the brakes on, if you know what I mean.  So I was under the impression that the NIV was all the rage in Christendom these days, but apparently it’s only one choice out of about 47 translations, and everyone’s got a reason to hate each one, so whatever–where was I going with this?  Oh, yes.

You Bible readers out there can tell me which translation I ought to be reading, and the rest of you who aren’t really Bible readers and don’t give a flying cherubim* which version I read can recommend a secular book of comparable heft and import.  (Though I respectfully request that it be fewer than 2,000 pages.)  I will accept your nominations for Book That Will Change My Life, and whichever gets the most votes wins, i.e. I will read it and hopefully my life will be changed.

Just don’t get smart with me and suggest Earth in the Balance. I have my marriage to think of.

I am also determined to read Set This House on Fire by William Safire because after I checked it out of the library five times and paid all those late fees on it and finally spilled grape juice on it and had to buy it, I should really get further than the first 35 pages.

The other thing I have rolling around in the back of my mind is that I’d like to brush up on my higher math.  Because the Sudoku’s driving me nuts!  No, seriously, I’m trying to combat the brain atrophy that is common to women my age who have had children (and still live with them), but I’m still trying to come up with a way to make this a discrete, accomplishable task, akin to my 250 flossing sessions.  Perhaps I shall assign myself equations to solve.  I don’t know.  What I do know is that this post is too long and I need to make dinner, and no one’s reading anyway because it’s the weekend, so I’m going to stop now.

* I am aware of the fact that cherubim is the plural of cherub and therefore doesn’t agree with the article “a,” but “give flying cherubim” sounds stupid and “give a flying cherub” sounds like I’m making an obscure reference to Valentine’s Day, which is a totally irrelevant holiday at this stage of the game, so why would I say that?  It was just a whimsical phrase that tripped off my fingertips, and you just shouldn’t take it that seriously, or sarcastically note that I could set a discrete goal of learning Hebrew by the end of the year.  It just isn’t necessary.  Play along with me.  Please.