Dear Mortgage Broker on My Answering Machine,

You are not a real person.  You are a recording.  Throwing in random pauses or saying “Umm…” or “Ahh…” as though you are creating an original, spontaneous speech might fool a moron the first couple times, but after hearing the exact same message 57 times, I am beginning to get the idea that you are a fake.  You do not have my file in front of you.  It is not imperative that I call you back.  This offer will not expire.  It never expires, just as I never and will never call you back.  Stop calling me.  I hate you.



Dear Spammers,


X’s & O’s,


Dear Tom Collins and Harry Reid,

This is not a joke about Barack Obama being a terrorist.  It’s a joke about Pres. Bush being too dumb to know the difference between Osama bin Laden and a U.S. Senator from Illinois.  And, as Bush Is Dumb jokes go, it’s pretty funny.  Which you’d know if you had a sense of humor, or alternatively, were smart.  Incidentally, I have your file in front of me and ah, it looks like you qualify for a reduced rate on your mortgage.  It’s imperative that you contact me.

Sincerely, um,


Dear Powers That Be,

Daylights Savings Time SUCKS!  Why do we even need clocks, anyway?  Just come to our houses and wake us up when you think we ought to start working.  We won’t mind (except in Arizona).

Yours truly,