So it has been very difficult for me to let go of Veronica Mars.  I am pretty much in denial that she is gone forever.  I was okay when Alias ended, though I was pissed //THREE-YEAR-OLD SPOILER THAT NO ONE CARES ABOUT ALERT// that they killed Jack.  (And I don’t say “pissed” anymore unless I really mean it, so you know how upset I was.)  But that show was probably at least half a season too long anyway, and at least there was closure.  With Veronica Mars, there was not only no closure, there was also this cruel set-up for what could have been a wicked-cool fourth season (and I’m not talking about the lame-o FBI pilot they pitched to the CW in a last-ditch attempt to be renewed–that was suckitude redefined–just all the cool places they could have gone with Jake Kane being back in town and in cahoots with that Russian mafia baby…oh, come on, that would have been awesome).  So where am I going to get my cool-girl-kicks-bad-guy-butt-and-makes-out-with-hot-emo-guys fix now?  I’m asking!

Anyway, so I’ve treated my VM withdrawal the same way I treated my X-Files withdrawal–which came long before the series (mercifully) ended because we didn’t have television and we moved far away from my MIL, who was taping the show for us, okay, me–and that prescription is “immerse thyself in fan web sites until you are so bloated with television-show trivia, episode-regurgitation and speculation about the future-for-fictional-characters unknown that you feel sick and long to read a book instead.”

I never said it was healthy, now did I?  No.  And back to the story:

You know that you’re desperate for closure when you’re willing to read fan fiction.  I read more X-Files fan fiction than I care to confess, and I only scraped the tip of the iceberg, but I read enough to learn two things:

1.  While most fan fiction is crap (shocking!), every so often you run into a gem that isn’t any worse than the franchised novels put out by publishers hoping to cash in on a popular series.

2.  TV shows with cool girls and hot emo guys inspire a lot of porn.

In much the same way that romance novels are porn for women, shipper fan fic is porn for women who don’t watch enough TV.  I’m not exactly sure what that last sentence means, except that I’ve read enough sex scenes in my day to know that there are only so many words for what goes on there, and they are oft repeated.  As are some other things that don’t happen much in real life.  So where was I?  Oh yes, the porn.  So in my experience, you’ve read one porn story, you’ve read them all, but when I was page-downing through the Veronica Mars Fan Fiction Archive, I did chance upon two stories whose plot summaries intrigued me.  The first was a crack!fic that promised to weave a tale wherein “Veronica and Logan wake up one day with super powers.”  I’m sorry, but how do you say no?  Well, fine, maybe you can say no, but I cannot, and that is how I know that the best line in that story is when Veronica asks, “Did you just set the sheets on fire?”  (Trust me, it is better appreciated out of context than in.)

As to the second story, I’m afraid the only thing that will do it justice is cutting and pasting: 

Summary: Veronica and Logan are secret agents, but Logan’s pants interfere with what she wants most.  

Because I’m twelve, that’s why!

And no, I didn’t actually read it because, much as the case was with that “my last night with the ferrets” story, I somehow knew that it couldn’t possibly get better than that.  And that’s when I thought that if I looked long enough, I could probably find a story where Veronica and Logan spend the night with ferrets, and you all know where I’m going with this, don’t you?  Never mind.

It was at that point that I thought, “Dude, too bad there’s no money in this crap because I could write it in my sleep.”  Also, “I would have to be asleep because it would hurt my eyes to watch myself write so badly.”  (No commentary on that point, please.)

As you all should know by now, I’m not proud, and that is why I can admit things like this, and yes, that is my warning that unless you’re married to me, you must mock me gently.  I bare my soul for your entertainment.  Just remember that.

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