Dear Mitt Romney,

The main reason you’re losing is that people think you’re phony and “plastic.”  One of the reasons you come off this way is that you pretend that you’re too unflappable to ever get angry.  Instead you make snide remarks.  Despite all this effort to hide your anger, the bitterness still seeps through.  For the love of Mike, would you just lose your temper and tell someone to go to hell, even if it’s wrong.  Show some moxie. 

Also, some friendly advice:  stop trying to be funny.  You’re not funny.

Your sister (in the religious sense, not implying anything funny),
Madhousewife

P.S.  You still look fabulous.


Dear Mike Huckabee,

We all know the only reason you’re still around is because you’re sucking up to John McCain, hoping he’ll make you Vice-President.  Or, alternatively, because you just can’t effing stand Mitt Romney.  No offense, but you’re starting to get on my nerves.  I just had to say that.

Sincerely,
Madhousewife

P.S.  You’ll never be Vice President if I have anything to say about it.  Which I don’t.  But if I did, dude, you would and ought to be worried.


Dear John McCain,

Don’t you dare make Mike Huckabee your running mate. 

Love, Madhousewife

P.S.  You’re lucky I enjoyed your books so much. 


Dear Ron Paul,

Are you a Republican, or are you a third-party candidate?  Please decide.  Thank you.

X’s & O’s,
Madhousewife


Dear Barack Obama,

Don’t take this the wrong way, but I’m counting on you losing.  Everything depends upon it.

Yours truly,
Madhousewife


Dear Hillary Clinton,

There are worse things than you being President.  Like, what if the world exploded?  That would totally be worse.  Pay no attention to the haters.  You just keep doing what you do.

Your sister (in the quasi-feminist sense, not implying anything funny),
Madhousewife

P.S.  Muzzling your husband?  Not necessary.


Dear McDonalds,

Ordinarily I’m not a fan of your work, but this morning I found a package of cold Chicken McNuggets in the front seat of my car, and I ate them.  They were delicious.  Damn you.

In self-loathing,
Madhousewife

P.S.  Your cold fries, on the other hand–disgusting.


Dear Mitt Romney,

Yes, it’s me again.  You should seriously consider Frank J.’s advice over at IMAO.  There are still a few days before Super Duper Tuesday.  Plenty of time to change your image.

Yours in Mormanity,
Madhousewife

P.S.  Hair grows back.

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