I’ve been stress-eating like nobody’s business lately.  If you’ve ever seen the episode of 30 Rock where Alec Baldwin’s mom is coming to visit and he starts eating everything in sight, you have a pretty good picture of what’s going down in my house these days.  I don’t know what I’m stressed about, unless it’s this whole business of institutionalizing my oldest child part-time, weaning the unweanable baby, potty-training the un-potty-trainable five-year-old, and finding a babysitter for this afternoon.  Well, I found a babysitter for this afternoon, so maybe that explains why I’ve only eaten one breakfast today.  If I manage to find resolution on the other three, I might give up food altogether.

Haha.  That’s funny.

Lately I find myself an aficionado of the Stuff White People Like blog, but I’m a little uncomfortable with it because I can’t help thinking how white it is to enjoy having your race mocked.  It reminds me of that episode of The Simpsons where Homer says, “It’s true!  We’re so lame!”  Then I wonder how white it is to watch The Simpsons, and then quote it like everyone’s supposed to know what you’re talking about.  All this self-conscious irony–that’s #50 on the list of stuff white people like–well, it’s almost like I’m trying to pretend I’m not really white, or at least that I’m not so white as those other white people, that maybe I’m one of those white people nobody thinks of as white because I’m such a credit to my race and all.  And then I remember that I’m a Mormon living in flipping Oregon, and baby, it just doesn’t get any whiter than that.  So when white is all there is to be, it can make you wonder why–but why wonder?  Why…wonder?

This can only end badly.

I think that two-in-one shampoo + conditioner is more properly called Shampoo for People Who Don’t Really Need a Conditioner But Want To Feel Like They’re Doing Right by Their Hair Even Though They Can’t Afford To Spend Such Quality Time with It.  But you could only fit that name on the large, economy-size bottles, so I guess that’s why they just decided to go with “2-in-1” instead.

A little quirk about me that you may not know:  I like my scrambled eggs runny.  Yeah, because I’m just that gross.  But lately I find that I can’t make runny scrambled eggs.  Just the light and fluffy kind.  It’s very disconcerting.  When did I lose my edge?

Is it just me, or are vending machines the land of Junk Food That Time Forgot?  You can’t just get ordinary chips there.  It’s all nacho-cheese-flaming-salsa-and-bacon flavored chips.  Like they’re trying to humiliate you by forcing you to admit that you’re so desperate for calories that you’ll not only eat white-cheddar-barbecued popcorn that’s three months past its expiration date, but you’ll pay two-and-a-half times the retail price for the privilege.  It’s just gratuitous.

Something to make his daddy proud–Elvis’s latest vocabulary addition?  “Falco.”

I’m not really in a hurry for my kids to grow up, but I do have a modest list of Milestones That Can’t Come Too Quickly.  At the very top of the list is “Using the toilet for all waste-elimination activities.”  Actually, you should picture that at the top of the list in all caps, bolded, and in letters three feet high.  Slightly below that is “Understanding that I’m freaking DRIVING and I can’t just turn around and find your stinking pencil or tie your shoe!”  There’s room for a third, but I haven’t decided what it is yet.

Elvis’s current love is fire hydrants.  We have a lot of fire hydrants in our neighborhood, which is good for when you have a fire.  (Hey, we’ve got one in our front yard.  We found it most handy when our home was aflame.)  Every time we pass a hydrant, Elvis says, “There’s a hydrant.  It’s yellow.  Hello, hydrant.  Bee-yoo-ti-ful hydrant.”

I think I know how he feels.

There’s a Montessori school in Portland called “The Fantastic Umbrella Factory.”  I don’t know why you would call a school an umbrella factory.  Because it’s Oregonian, I guess.  Except that real Oregonians don’t use umbrellas, and it’s not like they’re having the kids make umbrellas there or something.  That’s more of a Waldorf thing, isn’t it?

Maybe they’re trying to be ironic, like, “Haha, wouldn’t it be funny if you thought your kids were going to school but they were actually working in a sweatshop making cheap umbrellas?”  White people love the irony, you know.  And Montessori.

Well, that’s it for today, kids.  I’ve got laundry to do, a dishwasher to load and Gilder to frame for it–I’m swamped.  I don’t know if it’s kosher to celebrate St. Patrick’s Day this year or not, but Mister Bubby took his leprechaun trap to school today, and I’m feeling festive.  So Erin go bragh and enjoy your Holy Week.  See you next time.