I heard this morning that Jennifer Lopez hired a masseuse and a color therapist for her newborn twins.  I thought that was wild.  A masseuse–okay.  I guess.  Color therapist?  Not sure what that’s about.  I mean, obviously, I know what it’s about.  I just can’t relate.  That’s what I mean.  So I was intrigued and wanted to learn more about the lifestyles of rich and famous babies.  From ShowbizSpy:

The ‘Jenny From The Block’ star, whose twins Max and Emme were born last month, have also reportedly ordered 600-count Egyptian cotton cot linen, designer Babygros, diamond-engraved rattles and, two small Shetland ponies for the youngsters.

So 600-count Egyptian cotton–that’s good, right?  I have nothing against buying quality cotton linens, even for babies who are going to urinate and spit up all over them.  I mean, good cotton feels so nice.  Lucky babies.  I don’t think I’ve ever slept on 600-count anything.  I don’t know what a Babygro is.  I suppose I have to Google it.  Okay, I guess it’s clothes?  Designer clothes for babies.  Fine.  I mean, you want them to look good and be comfortable.  I dig it.

I wouldn’t even say she lost me at the diamond-engraved rattles.  They’re collectors’ items, eh?  I assume she doesn’t intend for the babies to play with them.  They’re just to look at–fondly, when they’re much older, and they can think to themselves, “Damn, Mom sure had a lot of money, didn’t she?”  That’s cool.  And I bet they could even sell them to support their drug and/or gambling habits later on in life, should the need arise.  (Not saying it will.  Just saying “if.”) 

No, where she lost me was the Shetland ponies.  Seriously, what the heck?  THEY’RE BABIES.  Why do they need Shetland ponies right now?  Couldn’t that wait until they’re, I don’t know, able to sit up on their own?  It’s not like they can even watch the ponies and get enjoyment from them that way because THEY’RE BABIES.  They don’t even know where they are or what’s going on yet.  They’re still learning how to tell the difference between the masseuse and the baby burper.  They have no time to pay attention to other mammals.  What is she thinking???  Says a source close to the celebrity:

“It may sound excessive but she’s only got her kids’ best interests at heart and wants to give them the start in life she never had.”

Ordinarily I don’t take issue with how rich people choose to spend their money.  Being a good Republican and all, I’m sure that this diamond-engraved rattle and color therapist business helps the economy and makes the rest of us feel good about how thrifty we are in comparison.  And I can totally get behind her spending $600K on extra security.  Keep the babies safe, it’s all good.  But I must confess, it’s stories like this that make me think that some people might have too much money.  Not that there should ever be such a thing as too much money, but seriously–Shetland ponies for newborns?  Not to get all social-gospel on your a**, Jenny-from-the-Block, but you couldn’t think of somewhere else to put that money?  Something to help less-fortunate newborns get the start in life you never had?  If you really felt like spending money on ponies, maybe you could have thrown a pony party for some starving children–that would have offered them a much-needed diversion from their dreary lives, and afterwards they could have eaten the ponies, assuming they were still hungry.  I don’t know.  I don’t know.

But enough picking on Jennifer Lopez.  Let us examine the beams in our own eyes.  What is the most frivolous thing you spend money on?  And what is the most frivolous thing you can imagine spending money on?

Me first.  Let’s see–frivolity, frivolity…It’s probably food.  I’m willing to spend a lot of money on food, if it’s good.  Well, let’s face it.  I’m willing to spend a lot of money on any food, if I feel that I must have it.  I spend $2.00 twice a week to buy my younger children a small bag of Ruffles potato chips and a package of Starbursts, just so they won’t hassle me while their older siblings are in swim class.  That’s like a $16-a-month habit.  $16 could feed a family of eight in some remote village of Africa for a week, or something.  It’s a total waste of money, when I could very well just tolerate the hassle of two small children with a killer sense of entitlement and nothing to do.  That would be character-building and more nutritionally sound.  Everyone would win.  But do I have any intention of mending my ways?  Nope.  Negative, Rampart.  And our anniversary dinner last year that cost, like, $200 or something almost as wrong (or slightly wronger)?  Worth. Every. Penny.  I’d do it again.  In a heartbeat. 

Mmmm.  Steak.

Anyway, the most frivolous thing I can imagine spending money on is…gosh, this is hard because I’m still thinking about food…okay, I’ve got it.  I would hire a professional organizer to do my whole house, including garage–maybe even my car–and I would buy everything she told me to.  Everything.  Because if there’s any weakness that can rival my weakness for food, it’s organizational merchandise.  My husband won’t let me set foot inside a Storables without supervision because he knows it’s like sending an alcoholic into a liquor store.  I can’t visit the web site because it’s like porn for me.  I could ruin our family with my storage-box addiction, if I didn’t suppress my yetzer hara.  I would buy storage boxes just to house my kids’ potato chip bags.  It is that bad.

Now it’s your turn to talk Shetland ponies.