This morning I was slicing a bagel for my son, and I SLICED MY FINGER WITH THE BREAD KNIFE!  No, I didn’t slice it off, but dude, IT REALLY HURT!  Correction:  it STILL hurts!  Who knew that one little knife–okay, kind of a big knife–could do so much damage?  Why isn’t there a label on it that says, “WARNING:  If you cut yourself with this bad boy, it will hurt like a sonofameanlady.  USE CAUTION!  NEVER LEAVE FINGER UNATTENDED”???  Gollyfreakamazoid this smarts!

So okay, I’m applying pressure to the wound so I can stop the bleeding and get a bandage on it before my bagel pops out of the toaster.  But it won’t stop bleeding.  I hold my finger high above my head to slow the blood flow, but the darn thing just won’t quit bleeding long enough to get a bandage on it and darnitall if my bagel hasn’t already popped up and started cooling.  Have you ever tried to butter a bagel with one hand while the other hand is bleeding?  And don’t tell me that you’re not supposed to eat bagels toasted with butter–it’s the way I like them, okay?  It’s not like it’s even a real bagel; it’s some “whole wheat” Oregon bagel from the flipping Safeway, or maybe it’s WinCo, how the hell should I know?  I’m bleeding to death and you’re going to tell me how I can enjoy my bagel???

Meanwhile, my son’s bagel–the source of all my misery–is just lying on the counter drying up, waiting in vain for someone to spread cream cheese on it.  Are we allowed to put cream cheese on our bagels?  There’s some lox in the fridge; if I slapped on some of that, would you be satisfied?  Did I mention that my finger still REALLY HURTS?

Okay, if by some small chance you are concerned about the health of my vital appendages, I’ll tell you that I finally found some gauze pads and taped them really tight around the offending ouch, and hopefully this finger can be saved.  Seriously, how much blood can come out of a single finger?  I must have sliced a major artery.  Who knew there was a major artery in the third finger on the left hand?  They don’t tell you that on the box the knife came in!

The worst thing is that I’m going to have this stupid bandage on my finger for who knows how long, and I hate having bandages on my finger because with two children still in diapers, I wash my hands approximately 300 times a day, and I have to keep putting new bandages on.  Yes, I suppose I should invest in some “waterproof” bandages.  I’ll do that just as soon as I’m sure that it’s safe for me to drive. 

Oh, the humanity!