I’m not above poaching other people’s blogs when it suits my purposes. I don’t care if they are my sister.

Here is an updated list of the most interesting search terms that led to my site:

“reading while driving” – I am envisioning getting pulled over and cited for having an open novel on my dashboard.

“mother in law suntanning topless” – I didn’t read that. Did you read that? Me either.

“ldsdisciplinarywomen” – I got two or three hits for this in a week. You’d have to be an old-timer and/or slightly obsessed with me to remember when I blogged about these ladies. And yes, it’s exactly what it looks like.

“pooping in the toilet – mental illness” – This would explain a lot about my children’s toileting habits.

“mormon women naked in church” – Ha! You wish.

“wynona ryder’s panty hose size” – Pervert.

“vintage glow worm boiler brochure” – I keep repeating this phrase to myself, over and over again, like it should be familiar to me and I just can’t place it. I really don’t know what the heck it means.

“sleep country spokeslady” – That would be my husband, trying to live out his sick fantasies online again. (Actually, I just had the disconcerting realization that it probably was my husband. Moving right along.)

“housewife not feeling validated kids dri” – Dri–? Driving you crazy? Driving you to drink? Driving you to blog? Tell me about it.

“vyvanse wetting pants” – Honey, that wasn’t the Vyvanse. It was the third pregnancy.

“yule brynner gay” – LIAR!

“spouses cheating at m&m mars in cleveland” – There are niche markets in porn, and then there are niche markets.

“i am mormon and having an affair” – With the Sleep Country lady? I knew it! [Sob]

“simi natural knockers” – I’m pretty sure I know how this happened. My husband is from Simi Valley, California, and I once used a particular slang term for breasts on this site, and heaven knows “natural” is a word I throw around all the time. But was this person looking for non-surgically-enhanced breasts from Simi Valley? Door knockers made of natural wood, manufactured in Simi Valley? Did they really mean “semi-natural knockers”? I’m going crazy not knowing.

“how to draw general grievous(hard)” – Not for my son it isn’t.

“chevy commercial dog licking feet jingle” – Dude, I don’t know what you’ve been told, but we’re Ford people.

“larvae in my house” – I’m a bad housekeeper, kids, but not that bad.

“barbie hair games but doing boys in it” – Wow, that’s…not a place I want to go.

“pregnant housewives free” – No, they’re not, son. Trust me.

“gummi gay” – LIAR!

“miserable marriage naperville” – I can’t remember ever mentioning Naperville on this blog.

“garlic beret moustache” – ???

“adventist logo tie tack” – I am beginning to understand that my site is a major source of information about Seventh-day Adventists. I didn’t ask for this responsibility, but I will try to live up to it as best I can.

“im pregnant and i just had burger king” – And the baby is two years old and healthy. Don’t fret, sister.

“giraffe struthers” – My first thought when I read this was “what does Sally Struthers have to do with giraffes?” Then I saw another search for “struther of a giraffe,” and I thought, “Maybe a struther is something I should know what it is.” Then I tried to find out what, exactly, a “struther” is and how it relates to a giraffe. According to Wikipedia, a “struther” is a theoretical unit of currency “conceived to highlight the trade-offs and social costs in various economic pursuits.” It was named after Sally Struthers, who, you might recall, used to do those commercials begging us to send money to save starving children in developing countries, mainly in Africa. Africa has giraffes. There’s your connection. Don’t tell me I never taught you anything.

“sink pee” – I get a lot of this, even though the sink is one place in my house where people don’t pee. If only my kids would pee in the sink! You have no idea.

“holk” – I wasn’t as curious about “holks” as I was about “struthers.” I just wanted to use this as an excuse to revisit more of my son’s art.

“mormons bikinis” – First they’re naked in church, and now they’re in bikinis! Ladies and gentlemen, the Mormons have gone wild!

“mistress insists i wear diapers” – I guess the “mistress toilet training” didn’t work out?

“giraffe belt buckle purse” – Must. Have.

“women peeing in the sink” – Again with the sink pee.

“eldridge cleaver anatomically correct” – Let me put it this way: I have no reason to believe he wasn’t. But come on, already. We Mormons don’t all know each other that intimately!

“slipknot having sex with sheep” – That’s it, pal. No more Halloween masks for you!

“ladies peeing in public” – Public sinks, no doubt.

“my child vomits everytime he eats noodle” – This isn’t funny, and yet it is. Explain.

Enjoy the first weekend of June, gentle readers.  Adieu.

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