As is my wont, I am poaching my sister’s “wacky search term” blog because I am too lazy to come up with my own themes.  Also, there are some real gems this week that I just have to share.

I would estimate that a simple majority of the search terms in my blog stats are harmless and not really of interest.  I get a lot of folks searching for stuff about Elvis (THE Elvis, not my Elvis).  Also, a lot of folks searching for “things Mormons won’t tell you.”  (Lift up your heart and rejoice, gentle surfer, for Mormon secrets are revealed here every day.)  Also, a lot of folks looking for information on giraffes and also for giraffe-print bathing suits.

What’s interesting to me is how often I get searches for extremely random things.  I get multiple hits a week for “holk,” for example.  Who knew so many people didn’t know how to spell “hulk”?  Or have people really been looking for my son’s story?  Also, you would be surprised how many people out there are looking for “how to pump your own stomach.”  Kids, do me a favor:  don’t try that at home.  Get professional help.  You’ll thank me later.

I get a lot of gay-themed searches, the most common of which is “yul brynner gay.”  Let me state for the record, kids:  YUL BRYNNER WAS NOT GAY!  Stop asking!  I also get a lot of pregnancy-themed searches, the most common of which is “70 percent effaced.”  I also get a lot of pervert searches–and I will spare you the worst of those, as they will not be funny but merely disturbing and icky and will make you want to take a shower, and you may not have easy access to a shower where you are right now.  Then there is the combination pregnancy-pervert search, the most common of which is “pregnant ladies naked” or “pregnant ladies having sex.”  But my personal favorite is the Mormon-pervert search.  Those searches always make the cut for this blog theme.  I have been waiting for the super-combo pregnant-Mormon-pervert search, but thusfar I have been disappointed.  Seems hard to believe, but true.

Of course, there are the inevitable toilet-training searches, the most common of which is “thomas the tank engine potty chair.”  I’m telling you, the cats who license Thomas the Tank Engine are missing out on a sizable niche market.  There also appears to be a sizable niche market for toilet-training perverts.  These aren’t the same perverts who search for “ladies peeing.”  These are the perverts searching for variants of “toilet training mistress.”  The first time I saw that in my stats, I thought it was funny.  It’s gotten progressively rather unfunny as time goes by and I get at least one or two hits a week from people who have Freudian/Mommy issues.  I’m not disturbed so much as I am sad.  And a little bit worried.  About myself.

So anyway, without further ado, here are this week’s wacky search terms:

mormons repressed homosexuals – this has been a popular one this week, probably because of the shirtless missionary calendar I posted about Monday.

breastfeeding “ahi tuna ” pump dump – I don’t know.  It just sounds funny.

pantyhose sweepstakes

eating burger king while pregnant bad – Indeed.  I’ve been there.

is it okay for 9 month baby to watch bar – No.  You should wait until your baby is at least 12 months before you let her watch the bar.  Ideally, you should wait until she can pour the drinks without spilling.  But use your best judgment.

hell testimonies from mormons who went– Do you have a testimony of hell?  I do, but I’ve never been there.  Unless 10 years of toilet training counts.

trike rear window – Sounds like some luxury trike, eh?

nude “kingdom hall” – My first-ever Jehovah’s Witness-pervert search!  Yes!

donuts valium – What can I say, they’re two great tastes that taste great together.

what can mormons eat – Donuts yes, valium no.  Unless you have a prescription.  For both.

nose hook fetish – Is this supposed to be “hook nose fetish”?  Or is there some kind of weird nose paraphenalia out there that I don’t want to know about?

general grievous coloring pages – I get many, many searches for General Grievous, and a lot for General Grievous coloring pages.  What happens when Star Wars geeks breed.

“rich lady” “cabana boy” – Sorry, wrong number.

are actors in gay movies really gay? – I don’t know, but I can tell you that none of these actors is Yul Brynner.

nectarine porn – Wha?

parable yeast – Huh wha?

“alison arngrim” nude – Dude, this is Nellie Oleson.  Someone wants to see Nellie Oleson nude.  And the disturbing part is that this isn’t the first time!

antichrist costume – This is the one I find most intriguing.  Who wants an Antichrist costume, and what are they hoping to find?

what blue luggage debra messing carried – It would seem that this person has either a debra messing obsession or a luggage obsession, possibly both.  Regardless, the answer, sadly, cannot be obtained here.

fat person chocolate mousse cartoon – Okay, I don’t even need to see the cartoon.  Just seeing these words strung together is enough for me.

dummies for housework – Usually it’s the other way around, but I like this better.

sissified guys made girls – Again, the Mormon calendar thing.

giraffe religious group – Where do I sign up?

laidies having babies naked – I don’t know about the rest of you, but I had all my babies naked.  It’s not like I’ve got a Baby Gap in my womb, you know what I’m saying?

piggly wiggly portrait – I’m just getting this image of an oil-on-canvas pig picture hanging in someone’s drawing room.

yoda and cindy mccain picture – “Vote for me you must.  Help you it will.”

mormon modesty suit – I know they’re probably looking for swimsuits, but the picture I got was something like a fat suit.  Which is funnier.

show me ladies having babies – This should become a catch phrase.  “Show me the ladies havin’ babies!  (Naked!)”

white trash garbage can – A garbage can for white trash, or a garbage can designed by white trash?  Could people of other races also use it, provided they were tacky enough?

road rage alphabet of manliness – Remember that old Judy Tenuta commercial where she said “beefy burritos of manhood!”?  That’s how I hear this phrase in my mind.

getting killed in sleep – Augh!

50 cents to see the big girraffe – Which reminds me, I should charge more.

valium and weight loss – Here’s a tip:  lose the donuts.

yeast giggles – I don’t know what this is, but it makes me laugh.

cartoon wimen that have sexy and cute bo – I think this might be my first cartoon-pervert search.  But seriously, who searches for sexy cartoon women on the internet?

faye grant butt – Of all the pervert searches this week, I think I like this one the most.  Because who even remembers who Faye Grant is, much less harbors curiosity about her butt?

eeyore pooping – I didn’t want to know, but–too late.

leia orcks socks and hates han solo – I’m having trouble parsing this.   Is “orcks” supposed to be a verb here?  If so, how does one “orck” and more specifically, how does one orck a sock?  And why would one?

slipknot jesus mask – Maybe this is the antichrist costume guy.

normal mormon – And it led you here?  I’m flattered!

“how to get sympathy” – If you find out, let me know.

pregnant ladies in the 80’s – Why the ’80s?  For the cool maternity outfits?  Or the big hair?  A specialized pervert indeed.

beef gas pains pregnant women – Another specialized pervert, or just a girl with regrets?

do mormons wear swim suits? – Yes.  Except when we’re among our own kind, and then we swim bare nekkid.  Just kidding.  That never happens.  Except at BYU.

vice decadence debauchery indulgence– As Brigham Young said, “This is the place”!  I may make this my new tag line.

But the special prize winner is the following “Incoming Link of the Month”:

This blog is in a foreign language, so I have no idea what it’s about, but I just get this sense that my son’s picture of Joseph Smith’s martyrdom is not really appropriate for it.

Happy Googling, friends!  Adieu.