I just dropped Princess Zurg off at her first day of art camp.  She was dressed in all black (really) and was so excited.  I’ve been wanting to put her in art classes for years because she’s very talented, but it’s only been within the last year or so that I’ve felt confident in her ability to sit (or stand) in a class and follow directions to the extent that she could learn anything.  I hope that she has a good experience, since it’s going to last for a week.

I have been less than fully engaged in life, as of late.  Starting about a year ago, I thought to myself, “I should really wean the baby so I can get some better drugs in my system.”  Then last March I finally did wean the baby, and I went to my psychiatrist and said, “Better drugs, please.”  And that’s when this grand experiment with stimulants began.  What I’ve found with the stimulants is that at low doses they suppress my appetite but don’t particularly do anything for my mood.  At higher doses (which are still relatively low) they make me irritable and and dark (metaphorically, mood-wise, not like I tan more easily).  Also, the hoops through which one must jump to get insurance companies to approve these drugs (most often prescribed to treat ADHD symptoms) for adults–it’s somewhat ridiculous, which also makes me irritable and dark and somewhat prone to despair.  It is almost not worth the trouble.

So the last time I went to my psychiatrist and said, “Better drugs that aren’t stimulants, please,” she respected my feelings but nevertheless managed to talk me into giving one more stimulant the old college try.  It took about ten days to resolve the insurance issues, but for the past few days I’ve been taking FocalinXR, which isn’t suppressing my appetite any more than usual–having found that if one gets depressed enough, one can stop eating even without drug interference–but it’s been extremely difficult to discern what effect it’s having on my mood, if any.  I don’t want to jump off a bridge or anything, and I don’t particularly want to stay in bed all day, but on the other hand, food still doesn’t taste good and I am still more or less joie-de-vivre-free.  Some stimulant, eh?

Well, I’m only on 5 mg.  I suppose I should bump it up to 10 mg or something, but I really just too lazy.  And that makes me think that maybe 5 mg is perfectly sufficient to counteract depression, just not laziness, and perhaps laziness is my real problem, in which case I should be, what, asking for a caffeine prescription?  On the other hand, for a drug that’s supposed to treat ADHD–a condition I don’t have–it has not really helped my concentration.  Oh, look, is that a chicken?  No, but seriously, even writing–which, unlike the laundry and the dishes, I like to do–has been like pulling teeth these last few weeks.  Normally even when I’m depressed, I can still write.  I may even write better than usual.  But maybe that’s only when I’m eating.

Why on earth would I stop eating?  This is me we’re talking about.  I love eating.  Eating is one of my few reliable pleasures in life.  And yet I can barely bring myself to do it lately.  I want to, but, eh, I don’t want to.  And that’s just weird.

You know, I’m not looking for sympathy here.  I’m just talking.  It’s keeping me awake.  And from doing the dishes.  So don’t cry for me, gentle readers.  It will only make me feel guilty.

On a happier note, my friend odetocorny has revived my interest in Mad Housewife brand chardonnay.  Actually, Mad Housewife makes a chardonnay, a cabernet, a merlot, and a white Zinfandel–ooh la la!  I’ve always been curious whether Mad Housewife wine is any good, but I can’t find out for myself because a) drinking’s against my religion, and b) in order to do a proper comparison, I would have to sample many other kinds of wine, which is even more against my religion, and c) if I’m already depressed, I should probably not start drinking.  So I was wondering if any of you out there who already drink wine would be willing to pick up a bottle of Mad Housewife and tell me if it tastes okay, or if it’s just a cool gimmick.  Because, you know, if I get approached for an endorsement deal, I want to make an informed decision.  That’s all.


When I pulled my teeth last night, I managed to produce another blog post for BCC.

Advertisements