That’s right, haters, it’s freaking SNOWING in Portland.  Well, not today.  Yesterday it was snowing.  It snowed so much that church was cancelled!  Which is to say that it snowed “at all.”  Because Oregonians are notorious for shrinking away from the very sight of snow.  Lock your doors, bar the windows, for there are flakes falling from the sky, and they are cold and they are sticking to the ground!  All one inch of them!  Beware, beware!

Which is not to say that I don’t enjoy a little snow now and then.  But I am not enjoying this snow day.  All the schools are closed, and all my kids are home, and I am not pleased at all with how this day is turning out thusfar.  It is not a happy day.  I will not comment further on the snow.

I will make some other, random comments.

1)  I have decided that it would be worth all kinds of money to me to outsource toilet training for the younger two children.  Either my children will be toilet-trained, or I will have the satisfaction of a trained professional admitting to me that my children are IMPOSSIBLE and there is nothing to be done with them.

2)  If my children ever are toilet-trained, there is the distinct  possibility that I could DIE OF JOY.

3)  DIE!

4)  OF JOY!

5)  There is a “Jesus” Facebook application, where you can send Jesus to your friends and remind them to keep the “Christ” in Christmas.  I know because one of my friends sent me Jesus.  I accepted Jesus because it seemed wrong not to, but I’m having second thoughts because it seems like every few minutes I get a notification that I have “unlocked more Jesus!”  I don’t know how I feel about unlocking more Jesus.  What does this mean, from a theological perspective?  I’m confused and disoriented, and I suspect that I may be participating in something less than fully tasteful–which wouldn’t be a problem except for Jesus’s involvement.  I like to keep my distasteful activities separate from Jesus.  My ability to compartmentalize and rationalize my actions is breaking down before my eyes!  How do I remove the Jesus application?  SAFELY???

6)  I am a teensy-little stir crazy for not having left the house since Saturday.  It wouldn’t ordinarily be a problem, except that the kids have also not left the house.  It is a deadly combination, I fear.

7)  Jeremy Northam is so beautiful.  So very, very beautiful.

8)  I am hungry, but I don’t know what to eat.

9)  I have no idea what to give my mother-in-law for Christmas.  Neither does my husband, and he’s her son!  How am I supposed to figure it out?  I think we will end up doing gift cards wrapped in clever envelopes.  Or maybe I could unlock her some more Jesus.

10)  Does anyone actually celebrate Kwanzaa, or is this a holiday that exists only in theory and in books?  Because while my social network isn’t exactly loaded with African-Americans, I have known black people in my time, and none of them did Kwanzaa.  I don’t even know any white people who do Kwanzaa out of, like, solidarity.  And I live in Oregon, land of white people who would probably enjoy appropriating African-American holidays just to stick it to the Man.  So I don’t mean any disrespect here, but I’m sincerely curious.  If you celebrate Kwanzaa or know someone who does, please tell me.  I WANT TO BELIEVE.

11)  There is, seriously, SO MUCH URINE AND FECAL MATTER coming into the house and failing to leave in a timely and efficient manner, I think it is affecting my brain.  Which is to say that I am now blaming my brain dysfunction on that, as opposed to premenstrual syndrome or congenital mental illness.

And now I’m off to put on some warm socks.  Gentle readers, adieu.

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