That’s right, haters, it’s freaking SNOWING in Portland. Well, not today. Yesterday it was snowing. It snowed so much that church was cancelled! Which is to say that it snowed “at all.” Because Oregonians are notorious for shrinking away from the very sight of snow. Lock your doors, bar the windows, for there are flakes falling from the sky, and they are cold and they are sticking to the ground! All one inch of them! Beware, beware!
Which is not to say that I don’t enjoy a little snow now and then. But I am not enjoying this snow day. All the schools are closed, and all my kids are home, and I am not pleased at all with how this day is turning out thusfar. It is not a happy day. I will not comment further on the snow.
I will make some other, random comments.
1) I have decided that it would be worth all kinds of money to me to outsource toilet training for the younger two children. Either my children will be toilet-trained, or I will have the satisfaction of a trained professional admitting to me that my children are IMPOSSIBLE and there is nothing to be done with them.
2) If my children ever are toilet-trained, there is the distinct possibility that I could DIE OF JOY.
3) DIE!
4) OF JOY!
5) There is a “Jesus” Facebook application, where you can send Jesus to your friends and remind them to keep the “Christ” in Christmas. I know because one of my friends sent me Jesus. I accepted Jesus because it seemed wrong not to, but I’m having second thoughts because it seems like every few minutes I get a notification that I have “unlocked more Jesus!” I don’t know how I feel about unlocking more Jesus. What does this mean, from a theological perspective? I’m confused and disoriented, and I suspect that I may be participating in something less than fully tasteful–which wouldn’t be a problem except for Jesus’s involvement. I like to keep my distasteful activities separate from Jesus. My ability to compartmentalize and rationalize my actions is breaking down before my eyes! How do I remove the Jesus application? SAFELY???
6) I am a teensy-little stir crazy for not having left the house since Saturday. It wouldn’t ordinarily be a problem, except that the kids have also not left the house. It is a deadly combination, I fear.
7) Jeremy Northam is so beautiful. So very, very beautiful.
8) I am hungry, but I don’t know what to eat.
9) I have no idea what to give my mother-in-law for Christmas. Neither does my husband, and he’s her son! How am I supposed to figure it out? I think we will end up doing gift cards wrapped in clever envelopes. Or maybe I could unlock her some more Jesus.
10) Does anyone actually celebrate Kwanzaa, or is this a holiday that exists only in theory and in books? Because while my social network isn’t exactly loaded with African-Americans, I have known black people in my time, and none of them did Kwanzaa. I don’t even know any white people who do Kwanzaa out of, like, solidarity. And I live in Oregon, land of white people who would probably enjoy appropriating African-American holidays just to stick it to the Man. So I don’t mean any disrespect here, but I’m sincerely curious. If you celebrate Kwanzaa or know someone who does, please tell me. I WANT TO BELIEVE.
11) There is, seriously, SO MUCH URINE AND FECAL MATTER coming into the house and failing to leave in a timely and efficient manner, I think it is affecting my brain. Which is to say that I am now blaming my brain dysfunction on that, as opposed to premenstrual syndrome or congenital mental illness.
And now I’m off to put on some warm socks. Gentle readers, adieu.
I am the giraffe 
14 comments
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December 15, 2008 at 2:46 pm
Susan M
Alright. I’ll bite. Who is Jeremy Northam?
I’m hungry too. And I’m getting a small bowl of cereal, right now.
December 15, 2008 at 3:02 pm
amanda d
I also don’t know who Jeremy Northam is.
My husband and I had to laugh when church was cancelled yet there was barely a dusting of snow outside. It was nice to have it cancelled though. I think that and then I feel guilt. Oh, well.
I thought it would be nice to have a snow day from school, but it isn’t. Too much fighting happening. Ah, well. That’s life.
Good luck with the bathroom stuff.
December 15, 2008 at 3:20 pm
madhousewife
Who is Jeremy Northam? WHO IS JEREMY NORTHAM?
THIS is Jeremy Northam! And he is beautiful! Fear his beauty!
BTW, amanda, the point of having church cancelled is that you can enjoy its non-happening without guilt. Let go of the guilt!
December 15, 2008 at 7:33 pm
Evitafjord
I would DIE! OF JOY! if my kids would stay potty-trained. Just know that you are not the only one whose brain is affected by the failure of bodily systems to communicate with the brain and say NOW, NOW go to the bathroom. Do not wait until you have to go so bad that you’re making the face, eyes are watering, you’re talking funny, and are unable to move. Yes, I can tell that you have to go just by looking at your eyes. Also, once you recover successfully from the face and can move again, that’s the time to go and use the bathroom, that does not mean that you can go back to playing because there is no longer urine or fecal matter in your body that needs to come out. It’s still there folks.
My sister is actually contemplating coming to my house for Christmas because she’s had enough cold (Spokane) and doesn’t want to go to more cold at Mom’s house (Western WA). It’s cold today here and we might get school-closing weather tomorrow, but it’s ‘sposed to be 70 by the weekend.
December 15, 2008 at 7:53 pm
bythelbs
How do women go through this life NOT KNOWING who Jeremy Northam is?
I feel totally ripped-off. It snowed here and our church was not cancelled. Our sister who lives like 3 miles down the street had hers cancelled, but not ours. Sheesh. I mean, thank goodness, for how I dost loveth attending churcheth.
December 15, 2008 at 7:55 pm
Alison Wonderland
I did not know that there was Jesus application on Facebook but I can absolutely see your dilemma. Hopefully no one sends me any Jesus.
December 15, 2008 at 9:37 pm
E
I don’t now know anyone who celebrates Kwanzaa and I believe you are right that it is a theoretical, “stick it to the man” holiday only.
December 15, 2008 at 11:17 pm
madhousewife
Evita – glad to know I’m not alone. That’s a nicer response than SOME PEOPLE I could mention (but won’t) who talk about how their two-year-olds are already toilet trained. Said people can KISS MY GRITS.
bythelbs – that is a rip-off. I mean, lucky!
Alison W. – If I send you Jesus, I could unlock more Jesus. What happens when Jesus is all unlocked? Will it be the end of the world?
E – Well, I can’t help thinking *somebody’s* got to celebrate. I just don’t know who it would be. And if we’re teaching it in school, I’d like to know who’s celebrating it. My children know all about the Kwanzaa. We should start celebrating it. White Mormon Republicans in the suburbs celebrating Kwanzaa. That would be Irony.
December 16, 2008 at 3:21 am
Henrysmummy
When your post came up on my Google alerts, I thought I was reading one of my own odes on the beauty of the delicious Mr Northam. It seems I am not alone…. Jeremy Northam is indeed dangerously, gorgeously, fabulously beautiful, as is Toby Stephens (yes, I am greedy!).
People who have toilet trained their child by aged 2 are either aliens or abusive, or they LIE!!!!
December 16, 2008 at 9:29 am
madhousewife
Henrysmummy – Yes, delicious – and yes, aliens! Lying aliens! 😉
December 16, 2008 at 10:49 am
cheryl
I’m just reeling over the fact that people don’t know who Jeremy Northam is. Reeling. Or retching. Wait –which one is worse?
Pottytraining: Maybe they make a pill to solve it? Like the “ooh, I have to do this in the toilet, wipe carefully, flush, and wash or else I’ll DIE” kind of pill? Not that we want kids to think they’re dying, but perhaps in this case we do? Do you think a pharm. company could invent something like this?! Ooh! Ask them!
December 16, 2008 at 10:50 am
cheryl
Oh, and the snow thing? LAME. We got like 2 inches this morning and nobody batted an eye. But I guess you are right –OR people aren’t used to it and blah, blah, blah…
December 16, 2008 at 11:25 am
Henrysmummy
Jeremy Northam is the star of a new film, with Peter O’Toole and Sam Neill, called Dean Spanley. Not released in US as yet, but soon to be: I really, really recommend it for Jeremy lovers. I went to see it the other night (I’m in UK) and am still having lovely dreams…;-)))
Jesus is an application?!! Bill Gates invented Jesus??? Bill Gates really is God?????!!! But of course, how could I not have realised….
December 17, 2008 at 9:31 am
Evitafjord
They celebrated Kwanzaa in Dallas with a Fest, I saw it on the news. There was gunfire and riot gear involved, but they swear it was not related, it was just that someone started arguing during the festivities but they took it outside the venue to settle it. Or something like that. It’s not like I was really paying attention, but they did repeat the story 8 times, so some of it stuck.