This post was inspired by my sister‘s recent blog about her new purse.  I have not gotten a new purse.  I have the same old purse as I’ve had for the last…I don’t remember when I got it.  I think I’ve only actually had it a year or so, but it’s very similar to the last purse I bought, so it just seems like I’ve had it forever.  I became converted to the backpack style of purse several years ago because I have such a hard time with shoulder bag straps slipping off my shoulders, particularly when I’m trying to herd children around.  ‘Tis very annoying.  So this style of purse is not what I find aesthetically appealing–believe me, I know a cute bag when I see one, and this one is not particularly cute, though it is not particularly ugly, either–but I like it from a utilitarian perspective.  I am looking forward to the day when I can just go back to a simple shoulder bag.  When that day might be, I do not know.

Anyway, my sister’s post about her new bag and moving the contents from old bag to new bag reminded me that my old bag needed to be cleaned out again.  I try to do that every four to eight months, whether I need to or not.  I tend to stuff my purses full of both useful and useless crap that weighs me down in both body and spirit.  When I suspect that the useless crap is outweighing the useful crap, I decide it’s time to clean out the bag.  Then about a month or so later, I actually clean out the bag.

So here was what was in my bag when I opened it this morning:

Yeah, that’s a mess.  And the carpet is filthy, thanks for noticing.  (And this is the clean part of the filthy carpet, just so you know.)  I want to emphasize that ONLY what was in my purse is in this picture.  Right now you might be thinking, “Is that a…pair of pants?”  Why, yes.  Yes, it is!  But I can explain.

Here is what the contents of my purse looked like after I’d engaged in a little sorting:

And now you can really see how filthy the carpet is.  You’re welcome.  Yes, those are still pants, and yes, there are tampons in there, too.  I should have warned you earlier that I have no pride.  (Or shame.  But mostly no pride.)  For those of you with less-scrutinizing eyeballs, I shall present a typewritten inventory.

ALL THE FREAKING CRAP THAT WAS IN MY PURSE

  • Receipts (galore–they’re in the northwest corner)
  • Coupons that are either expired or which I will never use
  • 1 voided check
  • Grocery lists
  • To-do lists
  • Doctor’s instructions, including instructions for a prescription that I never actually filled
  • Ice Breaker sours
  • Instructions from Elvis’s speech therapist
  • Flyer for my tap instructor’s holiday tap show
  • 2008 Schedule for Princess Zurg’s girls’ group activities at the church
  • Credit card application with a grocery list written on the back
  • Target gift card
  • Temporary ID card for the old health insurance
  • 2 business cards
  • List of books I want to read
  • Napkin
  • Facial tissue I blotted my lipstick on
  • Dried-out wet wipe
  • Rice Krispie treat wrapper
  • Plastic bag that used to hold facial tissue
  • 2 ponytailers
  • 2 mostly-empty boxes of Tic Tac Freshmints
  • 14 loose Tic Tac Freshments
  • Online pharmacy statement
  • Child’s headband
  • Girlfriend’s pants (packed on a cold day when I was in a hurry and thought I could talk her into wearing pants later–I was mistaken)
  • 4 tampons
  • 2 maxipads
  • 1 pantiliner
  • 1 pack of Incredibles fruit snacks
  • 1 snack pack of M&M’s (bonus!)
  • Half a roll of Smarties
  • Sunglasses
  • Ziploc bag filled with emery boards and a pair of nail clippers (why did I need so many emery boards?  heck if I know)
  • 3 ball-point pens
  • Unused deposit slips
  • Old health insurance card for Princess Zurg
  • Cherry Coca-Cola-flavored lip balm
  • Stamps
  • Large hair clip
  • $12.66
  • $35 that actually belongs to Mister Bubby
  • Toothpick
  • Coconut lime hand lotion
  • 1 tube of lipstick (“Rose Bud”)
  • Nordstrom gift card holder (gift card missing)
  • Compact mirror
  • 1 pair of training pants for Elvis, who doesn’t wear training pants during the day anymore (WOO-FREAKING-HOO!)
  • Travel bag of Huggies wipes
  • 1 check to deposit ($7–those stock dividends are really paying out, you know?)
  • Facial tissue that is miraculously intact
  • 2 miniature flashlights
  • iPod plus earbuds
  • 2 Hotel for Dogs toys from McDonald’s, one still in plastic wrapper
  • 1 monthly planner (from 2009!)
  • 1 checkbook
  • 1 spiral notebook
  • 1 tithing slip plus two tithing envelopes
  • Prescriptions for Princess Zurg
  • Envelope containing our new health savings account debit cards
  • Nail clippers (another pair)
  • Tweezers
  • Tide to Go pen
  • Hot-pink wallet (you see it?  of course you do!)

Now, I know what you’re thinking:  a) that’s ridiculous, and b) where is my cell phone?  Well, it was upstairs charging.  But it’s charged now, so I put it in my then-empty purse, which is now-not-empty, along with only the most essential items from the above list.  And what might those items be?  Well, I can tell you it only included three tampons.  I mean, who needs four tampons in a single outing?  There’s prepared, and there’s just silly.  I also kept the M&M’s (obviously) and my wallet.  I tried to consolidate the Tic-Tacs into a single box, but the ones from the one box wouldn’t budge, so I just ditched that one.  I exchanged Elvis’s training pants for one of Girlfriend’s diapers.  Girlfriend does, unfortunately, still wear diapers, but give us a break, she’s only three.

And sorry there’s no picture of the old-but-freshly-and-less-ridiculously-packed purse, but I forgot to take one, so you’ll just have to use your imaginations.  The point is that I am to be congratulated.  And pitied–at least most of the time.  But today, congratulated.  Congratulations to me!

And just to up the entertainment value of this post, I shall include random quotage from Princess Zurg.

Princess Zurg:  Some people think that it’s embarrassing if everyone at school finds out who you have a crush on.  But you know what’s even more embarrassing?

Giraffemom:  What?

PZ:  Being naked in front of everyone!

GM:  Oh yes, that’s much worse.

PZ:  But you know what’s even more embarrassing?

GM:  What’s that?

PZ:  Telling everyone who your crush is while you’re naked!

And with that, gentle readers, adieu.