Yeah, I know the Academy Awards were on Sunday, and it’s now Wednesday, but what with my lag in podcast-listening and the media’s tendency to drag every story out, I am just now starting to get totally annoyed with them. The Oscars, I mean. I can’t remember the last time I cared about the Oscars. Probably the last time Daniel Day-Lewis was nominated–except that I think he was nominated in the last couple years. Actually, I think he’s been nominated at least twice in recent memory (Gangs of New York? The Boxer? There Will Be Blood? All three?), and I suppose I cared a little bit each time, but obviously not enough to remember. I mean, I never saw any of those movies. I’m just very loyal to Daniel Day-Lewis. So loyal that I don’t even have to see his movies to know that he always deserves to win the Oscar. Now you can say I’m wrong, certainly, but you can’t argue my loyalty, can you? No, you can’t.

I also probably cared a little bit when Johnny Depp was nominated for Pirates of the Caribbean, because how awesome would it have been for Johnny Depp to win a freaking Oscar for freaking Pirates of the Caribbean? ::Sigh:: ‘Twas not to be. Anyway, this year in Oscars was unusual because I actually did see one of the movies nominated for Best Picture. I can’t remember the last time that happened. Probably 1998. (When was Life Is Beautiful nominated? I’m too lazy to look it up. I have things to do, people! I sacrifice a lot to bring this blog to you every day, and one of those things is quality. You just remember that, the next time you feel like criticizing.) So the movie I saw was Benjamin Button, which I probably would not have seen, except that my husband is such a F. Scott Fitzgerald loyalist–not such a loyalist, of course, that he would refuse to see a movie “based” on a Fitzgerald story that wasn’t really anything like the original story; no, that would be a job for snobs, and my husband isn’t a snob about books,or about books as they relate to movies, only about food. I don’t recall any mention of food in Benjamin Button. But that’s neither here nor there. Actually, the real reason we saw it was because we had a babysitter and it was the only thing that was playing that he was interested in seeing. I don’t think I was interested in seeing anything. The other big movie out at the time, I think, was that Seven Pounds, and I had resolved not to see Seven Pounds because the trailer was so obtuse and manipulative–manipulatively obtuse–obtusely manipulative–that it just made me mad. Actually, I resolved nothing, I was just peevish, but it had the same effect.

So anyway, I saw Benjamin Button, and I understand that Benjamin Button was nominated for a bunch of Oscars, like 13, but did it win any of them? I don’t know. I know it didn’t win any big ones, or I would have heard. I thought Benjamin Button was about a three-star movie, on a scale of four, maybe three-and-a-half on a scale of five. A solid five stars so far as craft went; it was a beautiful thing to behold, but in the end, not really significant. It was like Forrest Gump without the news reels or the rock ‘n roll. Anyway, Brad Pitt was very good in it, and Brad Pitt is not one of my favored actors, ordinarily. I like him better than I used to. When he first started making movies, I thought he was one of the most annoying actors in the world. I really couldn’t stand him much at all, though I couldn’t have told you why. Years after its release I saw him in Meet Joe Black, and he reminded me of a young Robert Redford, so then I started liking him a little bit. (I know, Robert Redford–how old am I? I’m not that old. But young Robert Redford is charming.) Unlike Robert Redford, Brad Pitt has gotten better looking as he’s aged. In fact, as I was watching him age backwards in the movie, I thought he looked best when he was about 50-ish. The younger he got, the more annoying he became to me. Except when he was a little boy with dementia and played by a different actor. I felt very sorry for that little boy. What a depressing film. Moving on!

If Brad Pitt had won Best Actor for that movie, I would have said he totally deserved it. I wouldn’t even have resented him for beating out Daniel Day-Lewis himself, had he been nominated. But he didn’t win, and I’m not devastated. I am a little disappointed that the Oscar went to Sean Penn. Not because Sean Penn isn’t an amazing actor– in fact, he’s always been a favorite of mine, as far as good actors go–but because he’s so insufferable when he’s not acting, and he’s already won an Oscar. If he hadn’t won already, I would have said, “Fine, he’s a great actor, he deserves an Oscar, let him be insufferable for a few minutes”–but no, he’s had Oscar and his 15 minutes of insufferable and then some. It’s really irresponsible for the Academy to give him any more than necessary, in my opinion.

And don’t tell me which movies I have to see because they were so awesome. It just isn’t going to happen. I don’t watch movies anymore. Well, I did finally see The Dark Knight. I guess Heath Ledger won the Oscar for that, so that’s cool. This is going to sound tacky, but I like when they give Oscars to people who won’t ever have another chance, or probably won’t ever. Heath Ledger, technically, belongs in the category of those who “definitely will never” get another chance, but now I’m creeping into the category of “poor-taste commentary on the Oscars,” so I’ll stop.  The point is that I wasn’t emotionally invested in that award, either, so it could have gone to some other person and I would not have given it any thought whatsoever, because the only meaning the Oscars have for me is that once a year I can write 1,200 words on why I don’t care about them. Also, I’m looking forward to when Robert Downey, Jr., finally wins. And don’t tell me if he already has. I want it to mean something.