Dear Person Who Pulled in Front of a Long Line of Cars To Get into the Elementary School Parking Lot,
I realize you’re in a hurry, and that long line is a real bummer, but that is no excuse for driving in through the out door, out door. There is a lane for driving IN the parking lot–that would be the lane that the rest of us driving IN were IN. Then there’s a lane for driving OUT of the parking lot–that would be the lane that cars driving OUT drive OUT of. They can’t drive OUT if you’re driving IN in the same place. You dig? In addition to being rude, it’s just not safe.
And no, this isn’t sour grapes because you took the parking space that could have been mine if you’d been following the rules. No, Jethro, this is about the children. Thank you.
Sincerely,
Madhousewife
Dear Girlfriend,
You know you’re supposed to wear your socks when you play on the indoor playground. It’s the rule. Not my lame-o killjoy rule, but the rule of that fine establishment that provides the inflatable bouncy toys. If you do take off your socks, though, you should stay in the bouncy toy structure, where I can’t see you and force you to put them back on.
Oh, and I saw you try to hide the socks behind the inflatable bouncy thing. A bold move, to be sure. Just not quite bold enough. Better luck next time, girl.
Love,
Mommy
Dear President Obama,
Yeah, I figured as long as I’m writing letters, why not drop you a line as well? Look, I just wanted to tell you how impressed I am with your ability to say stuff that is nakedly false but say it in such a way that even the most hard-nosed conservatives hesitate to call it “lying.”
I remember back when Bill Clinton was President–remember how they used to call him “Slick Willie”? good times–he would say something, and it would seem to consist of verifiable facts, but knowing it was coming from him, one could only think it had to be covering up something nefarious. You, sir, are a completely different kind of talent. You say stuff that everyone–everyone–knows isn’t true, and yet you say it so calmly and sincerely that even cynical folks like me find themselves searching desperately for the grain of correct information they are convinced is hiding in that big, fat, obvious not-truthness. How do you do it? Don’t answer that, you’ll only make more work for me.
Your obedient,
M. Housewife
P.S. Your hair looks fine.
Dear First Lady Obama,
Is that the appropriate title? I feel funny calling you Michelle. Anyway, just wanted to tell you, pay no heed to the haters: you ROCK those sleeveless outfits. You’ve got great arms–no need to hide them under a bushel and whatnot. Those critics are just jealous. They probably have puny, flabby arms like mine. Next time someone gives you grief about your clothes, you just look them in the eye and say, “Don’t you have more important things to worry about, like the economy going down the toilet?” Deflect, deflect, deflect!
Just one Mormon lady living vicariously through your bare arms,
Madhousewife
I am the giraffe 
13 comments
Comments feed for this article
March 13, 2009 at 11:12 am
E
Reading your post made me realize that I never listen to President Obama. I really never, ever do. I didn’t listen to the State of the Union or his acceptance speech or his inaugural address. I don’t think I’ve actually ever heard anything longer than a sound byte from him. I’m not sure if this is a good thing or a bad thing.
I do remember that in the last sound byte I heard he said per-requisite instead of prerequisite and I stopped listening to him because I distracted wondering if the media would have jumped all over W for that.
March 13, 2009 at 12:09 pm
Janelle
Write me next.
We are the non sock wearing family at more than just boucy houses.
But, I never cut in lines.
Lady O rocks in sleeveless dresses.
Don’t take blogging breaks, this stuff is way too funny.
March 13, 2009 at 12:18 pm
bythelbs
I am going to be singing Raspberry Beret all day long. Thank you.
You already know how I feel about elementary school parking lots.
I’ve often wondered what was the point of socks in those play structures if you’re not also going to require the children to wear gloves. Aren’t there way more nasty germs on hands than feet?
I also enjoyed your last two letters. Who cares about the sleeves? I love that we have a first lady who looks like she could take you out—physically, not just with her icy glares.
March 13, 2009 at 12:36 pm
Mother of the Wild Boys
😀 These are great.
March 13, 2009 at 1:16 pm
madhousewife
E – I find I have a lot warmer feelings toward the President when I’m not listening to anything he says. I’m sure Dems had a similar experience when W was president. Except for the warmth part. But it’s my turn now, you know? Just hunkering down for another 8 years of ignoring.
Janelle – I wouldn’t worry about the socks, except I don’t want other people glaring at me about the bare feet. (Especially since it wasn’t a very crowded bouncy house and it was obvious which kids were mine.) Oh, and I’m already the mom whose kids climb up the slide the down way. (They’ll probably grow up to drive in the out lane!) So much hate.
bythelbs – For sure – they have all these bottles of hand sanitizer lying around–just smear it on the feet, too, while you’re at it. What’s the big deal?
MOTWB – Glad you enjoyed. 🙂
March 13, 2009 at 1:45 pm
radmama
OUR first ‘lady’ rides a motorcycle. I bet Ms. O would rock a motorcycle.
March 13, 2009 at 2:26 pm
cheryl
Ignoring the President. I hadn’t thought about that tactic. I must take it and adopt it as my own!
Here’s a letter I’d like to write today:
Dear Past Cheryl:
When you tell yourself, around April of 2008, that it would be just dandy to take the unpacking-of-the-house nice and slow, just slap yourself silly instead. Because a year later, you will hate yourself for NOT unpacking, and you will be 20 weeks pregnant –as well as spring cleaning, nesting, and just all-around motivated. Don’t be an idiot. Unpack everything NOW.
Love,
The Future Cheryl
March 13, 2009 at 3:30 pm
foofer
I got the Prince reference AND the one from 1776.
I have no idea what Obama is lying about because I never listen to anybody in a position of authority. I mean, government authority. I either don’t understand it, get annoyed to the point of frustration, or just get bored. I did hear all the lame comments about Michelle Obama’s arms, though, and I don’t get what the big deal is. Yeah, our President doesn’t wear his suit jacket in the office. Yeah, his wife doesn’t cover her arms. There’s got to be loads better things to complain about.
I will say this: If I ever hear that Obama spends mucho bucks on his haircut, I’ll agree that’s something to complain about. Merkin served his mission in that area and once got a haircut at a place called The Afro Hut for just $3. First time the barber ever cut a white boy’s hair. Of course, that might have been while he was serving in Baltimore…enh.
March 13, 2009 at 3:46 pm
flip flop mama
I don’t listen to Obama either. I know that I would just get annoyed so I just don’t pay attention. And yes, his wife rocks the sleeveless dresses. What’s the big deal that everyone else is making out of it?? I don’t get it.
And boo on line cutters.
March 13, 2009 at 4:33 pm
madhousewife
radmama – I’d like to see the Obamas on motorcycles. They could be their own motorcade!
cheryl – Stop, stop, stop with your unpacking regrets. You’re making me feel guilty because I have so many unpacked boxes sitting in *my* garage.
foofer – I’m glad that 1776 reference didn’t just sit there wasted! But I wouldn’t hold my breath waiting for the President to get his hair done at a place called the Afro Hut (although that would be awesome).
flip flop – Maybe it’s the media’s feeble attempt to criticize the Obama administration, so they don’t feel like they’re totally shirking their fourth-estate duties.
March 14, 2009 at 8:20 pm
Alison Wonderland
Dude, I grew up justr outside of DC. How did I miss the afro hut?!?
March 15, 2009 at 8:11 am
amanda d
I love those last two letters. I wish I had such nice toned arms as our First Lady. The media is too distracted by them though, it might be good if she covered them up!
March 16, 2009 at 7:08 am
merkin4
Alison: The Afro Hut is located on North Avenue in Baltimore. I don’t remember the cross street.
I saw the “$3 Haircut” and was feeling a little shaggy. Walked in, sat down, and the barber said, “My. I’ve never cut white hair before.” Thirty seconds later he was done, I paid $4 and walked out with a nice, even, 1/8th inch all over. Didn’t need another cut for five months, so I’d have to say it was money well spent.
Now, if I’d just had enough sense to call myself “Elder Kanbe”.