Elvis’s new routine is to cycle through every annoying thing he can think to do and then start all over from the beginning.  First he coughs on you.  Then he spits at you.  Then he gives you wet willies.  Then he hits you.  Then he screams in your ear.  On a continuous loop.  He seems to thrive on every bit of negative attention.  One might get the idea that one would be better off ignoring it, but you try ignoring it, Chester.  Yeah, I didn’t ask for advice.  Thanks.

Just when I think he’s going to leave me alone for a few minutes, he runs in and announces that he has to pee.  Which means, of course, that my observation skillz are needed.  So I follow him to the bathroom–but before he can pee, he has to start coughing on me.  You see where this is going, I trust.

Last week I really, really liked him.  On Tuesday of this week I was contemplating buying him a one-way bus ticket to Albuquerque.  Why Albuquerque?  I just like saying it.

Another, much less annoying thing he likes to do is perform bizarre Google searches on my laptop.  He types in “thggyygjjnk,” which has no results, but Google, being Google, asks, “Did you mean: thgyygjjnk?” because that’s completely different, of course.  He types in “stdfewtwte2wrt4t4ydfvnml./’l;’,” and Google asks, “Did you mean: std fewtwte2wrt4t4ydfvnml./’l;’ ?”

Why, yes.  Yes, I did.

I’m trying to decide if I can schedule two play dates at my house in the same afternoon.  I meant to schedule one yesterday, but the morning just got away from me, and then it was lunch time and then it was just way too late to invite anyone.  Princess Zurg hasn’t had a play date in a million years, so I scheduled her first.  I’m just trying to decide if Mister Bubby will be more or less likely to disturb the girls if he has a friend over himself.  Also, MB’s best friend is always having him over to play, and I haven’t had the best friend over since…oh dear, I’m afraid it was Labor Day weekend.  Which makes me think I need to have him over, like, today–because tomorrow’s Saturday and Saturday’s crazy, and next week swim lessons start and there’s Cub Scouts and blah blah blah blah blah.  Sigh.

I don’t remember socializing being this complicated when I was young.  More to the point, I don’t remember my mother taking so much responsibility for my social life.  The burden is starting to weigh heavily on me.

Also, I wonder why I’m working so hard to arrange play dates for the older two when what I really want to do is think up some way to get rid of the younger two for a few hours.  In other words, what I really want is fewer children, not more. No, what I really want right now is zero children, not any.

Well, now I have to go because Elvis is coughing on my screen.  Gentle readers, may you enjoy the weekend to its fullest.

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