what is that creepy mormon humming music

This is one of those searches that make me wonder if some people use Google like a friend.  I’m totally envisioning someone sitting around with his or her laptop, surfing away at the interwebs, and all of a sudden they hear someone humming.  They look up and see a creepy Mormon.  How do they know the creep is Mormon?  Perhaps Mormons hum more than normal people.  (I know I do.)  At any rate, our Googler obviously has advanced Mo-dar skillz (sorry, OBL).  But instead of just thinking to themselves, “Huh, that’s weird,” and going back to what they were doing before, they turn to their search engine and ask, “What is that creepy Mormon humming music?”  What result are they expecting to get from Google, exactly?  “Oh, I know, huh?  Those Mormons are totally creepy!  Mormon hummers anyway!  LOL!”  I suppose I’ll never know.


giraffe egg get fertilized

To paraphrase Liz Lemon, I do not want to go to there.


know your rude signs

Is this like that Letterman routine, “Know Your Current Events”?  Indeed, people, you should know your rude signs.  You don’t want to be caught off guard when someone gives you a sign and you don’t know whether it’s rude or not and find yourself unable to respond in kind.  Especially if it’s a creepy Mormon.  (Humming!)


mormon jello

There’s another kind?


Assorted Pervert Searches (aka “no comment”):

“whoopee cushion” fetish
zooey deschanel pantyhose
pantiliner fetish
kegel spazzes
eeyore pooping
the woman who prefer wearing pampers
funny animated photos of jewish bubbie


pms hobby wagon wheels

I’m going to need some help parsing this one.  Is this somebody with a PMS-related hobby?  Somehow it involves wagons (or at least wagon wheels)?  Is it a hobby wagon to carry off people who are incapacitated by PMS?  I want to know!


driving to school tired

How could a person be curious about this?  “Driving to school tired–is that dangerous?”  “I dunno–why don’t you ask the internet?”  “Tell me more of this ‘driving to school tired,’ internet!”  I don’t get it.


i just don’t know.  so much has happened.

I’d love to know the search that preceded this one.  Or the search result from the previous search.  Is this person asking for relationship advice?  How supportive is the search engine being?  These are the things I wonder.


typing expletives

Public service announcement:  Ahem!  “How to type expletives.”  Observe:




and if you’re really upset,



People with proofreading challenges:

who do you spell giraffe
how do you sepll girafe
how do u spell giraffe
how do you spell giraph
how do you spell giraffi


popsicle misuses

Hear this now:  popsicles must always be used for good, never evil.  Do not search out such perversions, my friend.  Stay far, far away from those who would misuse the popsicle.  Googling is the gateway to more serious crimes, such as ice cream sandwich misuses.  (Trust me, you do NOT want to know.)


where am i going mormons

Search me, pal.  (Haha, “search me”–he’s typing it into a search engine, and the Mormon search engine says, “Search me!”  That must be so frustrating.  No wonder people think we’re creepy.)


ipod green pms

I totally recommend the green iPod for PMS.  But don’t let your six-year-old get hold of it if you have PMS.  That can end tragically.  For everyone.


picture of joseph smith’s gun

This is just my excuse to show you this:


(Link:  Mister Bubby, Artist)

I know it’s old and I’ve showed it to you before, but it just keeps being awesome.


naughty-book-worms no-moral-and-ethical-

Those naughty bookworms!  They have no moral and ethical standards!  They’re probably females–reading!  That’s SO. HOT.  Wait, I mean–DISGUSTING.


dum ditty “went to the store” rap

No offense, but this sounds like a really stupid song.


“giraffe feces” crime

Sounds like a niche market to me.


baby tantrum in walker

The walker, you say?  Not the play pen or the stroller?  That sounds complicated.  Perhaps you should consult the internet!


so i guess you dont want to talk anymore

Oh, no!  I guess Google isn’t their friend.  Not a true friend, anyway.  Harumph!


are mormons allowed to have orgies

Short answer:  It depends.


what do you do when you’re riding a giraffe

Good question.  I think I would pick fruit off the top of a tree.  Maybe wave hello to some people on the second floor of a building–they would totally not be expecting that.  What would you suggest, gentle readers?  (Caution:  Orgies not recommended.)


im a nanny and hurt my ankle

A nanny, you say?  With a hurt ankle.  Well, that’s different from, say, a cab driver with a hurt ankle.  You should probably consult the internet!


how i was trained by strict jehovah witn

It’s probably because I watched Kung Fu Panda this weekend, but when I read this, I think of someone steeped in the art of passive karate.  That’s all.


abilify rip off

“Dude, I took some Abilify, and I was totally NOT abilified.”

“That’s false advertising!  You should sue.”

“I know!  But first, I’ll probably consult the internet.”


how can i make my ankle stop hurting so

That poor nanny!  Keep Googling, girlfriend!  Feel better soon!


forgetting something important

Yet another person who vastly overestimates the powers of Google.  It’s not a forensic mind-reader, honey.  (Yet!)


bouncy castle giraffe 79+

Let me preface this by saying that I totally admire this person’s vitality.  But still, if you’re over 79, you probably should stay away from the bouncy castles.  I’m sure your doctor would say the same.


what does my power animal mean (giraffe)

If you have to ask, I can’t explain it.


famous people to make fun of

“I’m bored.”

“Me too.”

“You know what would be a blast?”


“Making fun of famous people.”

“Dude, that would rock!”

“I bet there are some on the internet.”



i sit here and think to yourself i can’t

Okay, look, it’s not that I don’t feel for you, but I think Google made it pretty clear that it doesn’t want to talk anymore.  You need to give it some space.  Okay?  Do something else for a little while.  Make some new friends.  Give it some time to miss you.  You are making yourself too available.  I say you make it come to you, for once.  Seriously.  You’ve got to get the upper hand again.


amateur big butt riding



man with minivan uncool

What?  Are you joking me?  Since when?  Someone has been feeding you a load of crap, sir.  I bet it was someone on the internet, wasn’t it?  Uh huh.  Thought so.  Well, pay them no heed.  Men with minivans are cool.  In fact, they are the COOLEST.


young gay video giraf

After all these years of sifting through wacky search terms, I thought I’d seen most of everything.  (Or, you know, references to most of everything.)  But this is a new one.  And I’m going to move on now.


i’ve been told the only mayo to eat whil

While what?  While what?  Curse these Googlers and their superfluous search terms!  Are we talking about a mayo that’s safe to eat while pregnant?  While driving to school tired?  While riding a giraffe?  A big butt?  Or is it not a safety issue at all, but merely a superior flavor?  Either way, I need to know!


Unfortunately, that’s it for today, kids.  Giraffe out.