1.  “So I can’t get a shirt that says ‘Food is the poop of the future’?”

.

2.  “I promise never to leave naked cell phone pictures of you at the McDonald’s.”

.

3.  SD: She wasn’t a very good kisser. Aside from that, she was a lot like you in many ways.

Mad: Because she had no sense of direction?

SD: Eh, she had a big butt.

.

4.  SD: I gots to learn you how to use a computer, woman.

Mad: No, I think the position you’ve taken is that I’m supposed to sit here and not know anything, and then when I tell you I don’t know anything, you can make fun of me.

SD: Well, that’s closer to the truth.

.

5.  Madhousewife:  You know, lots of people seem to like that Mamma Mia! movie, but I just look at it and think it can’t possibly be good.  I think it’s the whole idea of Meryl Streep singing ABBA songs that I can’t quite get into.

Sugar Daddy:  Well, she sang in Out of Africa, didn’t she?  “A dingoooo ate my bay-beeee…”

Mad:  That wasn’t Out of Africa!

SD:  It wasn’t?

.

6.  “See that big building that I work in?  Go toward it.”

.

7.  “It makes me feel better about myself to belittle others.”

.

8.  “My light can only shine brighter if I blow out everyone else’s candle.”

.

9.  Sugar Daddy: When I get my new car, I’m going to get a vanity plate.

Madhousewife: What’s it going to say?

SD: Probably “U-P-Y-R-S.”

.

10.  “Why would you want to watch a movie without stuff blowing up?”

.

11.  Sugar Daddy:  I found the perfect gift for you online today, but they said it would take two weeks…

Madhousewife:  Oh.

SD:  …to bronze my poop.

.

12.  “So just so we’re clear–it’s yes on the gun necklace, no on the fishnet shirt?”

.

13.  Mad:  I’m going to pray that you stop being a jerk.

SD:  Then you’ll be praying for a long time.

.

14.  Sugar Daddy:  If I were God, could I make people with twelve fingers and still be creating them in my own image?

Madhousewife:  What…?

SD:  It would just be a lot more convenient.

Mad:  How so?

SD:  Because then you’d have your number system as base twelve instead of base ten.  A lot more convenient.

.

15.  Mad:  Hi, it’s me.  Um, I’m just going to say this.  Our house is on fire.

SD:  Really?

Mad:  Yes, it’s on fire.

SD:  Like, for real?

Mad:  Yes, for real.  Like, actual flames.  There are flames in our bathroom.  There is smoke coming out of our roof.

SD:  Do I need to come home?

.

16.  “I’d rather eat cat feces than anything at Applebee’s.”

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17.  Sugar Daddy:  If anything ever happens to you, Mad, I’m going after Nicole Parker.

Madhousewife:  You have my blessing on that, honey.

SD:  Right after the Sleep Country woman.

.

18.  “I’m going to create a new TV show called Time for Turds.”

.

19.  Magnetic poetry on the refrigerator:

IF EXCESS DELIGHT AFFLICT THEE COME WOO A RUMP-FACED HAG
SUCH AN OFFENDING WRETCH SHALT RUIN THEE  

.

20.  SD:  Mad, did you change the lightbulbs in the kitchen?  (Feigns heart attack.) I thought that was my job.

Mad:  Not anymore, Mr. Snide-Smart-alecky-Smartbutt.

SD (chortles derisively, then proceeds to sit on his wife’s head): Hey, Mad, look how smart my butt is–

Mad:  Get off of me.

SD:  I just want you to see how smart my butt is–E=mc squared, baby!

Mad:  That’s enough!

SD:  E=mc squared!

Mad:  Stop!

.

21.  Mad:  What does it say about people who watch Letterman, that they always have these commercials for Viagra before the show?

SD:  I think it says that people who watch Leno aren’t getting any.

.

22.  “Are you sure you don’t want any Camembert?  It’ll put hair on your chest.”

.

23.  “He’s got blonde hair, he’s balding… If I were going to pick a guy to turn gay for, it wouldn’t be him.”

.

24.  “Hey, remember I diagrammed the molecular structure of your name when we were engaged.”

.

25.  SD:  You just don’t understand the system.

Mad: I think I understand that ‘systems’ devised by men are sensible and efficient, whereas systems developed by women are just stupid.

SD:  I would not have put it so eloquently.

.

26.  From:  [Sugar Daddy]

To:  [Madhousewife]

Subject:  Wireless Message

Date:  Fri, 23 Sep 2005 16:44:55 +0000

had a dream last night that i was married to oprah.  you and i met up again at one of oprah’s parties and decided to reconcile.  needless to say, i didn’t sleep too well…

-sd

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27.  “You know how TV is always trying to push the envelope with stuff like language and nudity–I wonder what would happen if they made a show that had a close-up shot of a dog pooping.”

.

28.  “All I can say is that it’s about time this ward recognized my righteousness.”

.

29.  PZ:  What are we having for dinner?

SD:  Monkey armpits.

.

30.  Sugar Daddy:  I had a smoothie tonight that contained 50 percent of my daily fiber.

Madhousewife:  Good for you.

SD:  My system’s gonna be–you know, you’re gonna want to live in my colon, it will be so clean.

.

31.  SD:  I’m glad I don’t have cleavage.  Know why?

MH:  No, why?

SD:  Because it would be hairy.  Hairy cleavage is disgusting.

.

32.  SD:  I’m going to market a PMS drug and call it Menstru-lief.

MH:  That’s nice.

SD (launching into his future advertising campaign):  “Used to be, when I had to menstruate, my life was menstruined.  I would menstrue the day I ever got my period.  But now Menstrulief has turned menstruate into menstrugreat.”

.

33,  “I’m going to write a book called ‘The Turd in the Closet.’ … It’s going to be the sequel to my peeing-fire story.”

.

34.  SD:  I think it would be fun to teach Sunday School.  Do you think they’ll ever let me?

Madhousewife:  I would love it if you taught Sunday School, SD.  Because then I would actually listen.

SD:  Yeah…but they’d probably want me to teach with pants on.

.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, SD!


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