1.  “So I can’t get a shirt that says ‘Food is the poop of the future’?”


2.  “I promise never to leave naked cell phone pictures of you at the McDonald’s.”


3.  SD: She wasn’t a very good kisser. Aside from that, she was a lot like you in many ways.

Mad: Because she had no sense of direction?

SD: Eh, she had a big butt.


4.  SD: I gots to learn you how to use a computer, woman.

Mad: No, I think the position you’ve taken is that I’m supposed to sit here and not know anything, and then when I tell you I don’t know anything, you can make fun of me.

SD: Well, that’s closer to the truth.


5.  Madhousewife:  You know, lots of people seem to like that Mamma Mia! movie, but I just look at it and think it can’t possibly be good.  I think it’s the whole idea of Meryl Streep singing ABBA songs that I can’t quite get into.

Sugar Daddy:  Well, she sang in Out of Africa, didn’t she?  “A dingoooo ate my bay-beeee…”

Mad:  That wasn’t Out of Africa!

SD:  It wasn’t?


6.  “See that big building that I work in?  Go toward it.”


7.  “It makes me feel better about myself to belittle others.”


8.  “My light can only shine brighter if I blow out everyone else’s candle.”


9.  Sugar Daddy: When I get my new car, I’m going to get a vanity plate.

Madhousewife: What’s it going to say?

SD: Probably “U-P-Y-R-S.”


10.  “Why would you want to watch a movie without stuff blowing up?”


11.  Sugar Daddy:  I found the perfect gift for you online today, but they said it would take two weeks…

Madhousewife:  Oh.

SD:  …to bronze my poop.


12.  “So just so we’re clear–it’s yes on the gun necklace, no on the fishnet shirt?”


13.  Mad:  I’m going to pray that you stop being a jerk.

SD:  Then you’ll be praying for a long time.


14.  Sugar Daddy:  If I were God, could I make people with twelve fingers and still be creating them in my own image?

Madhousewife:  What…?

SD:  It would just be a lot more convenient.

Mad:  How so?

SD:  Because then you’d have your number system as base twelve instead of base ten.  A lot more convenient.


15.  Mad:  Hi, it’s me.  Um, I’m just going to say this.  Our house is on fire.

SD:  Really?

Mad:  Yes, it’s on fire.

SD:  Like, for real?

Mad:  Yes, for real.  Like, actual flames.  There are flames in our bathroom.  There is smoke coming out of our roof.

SD:  Do I need to come home?


16.  “I’d rather eat cat feces than anything at Applebee’s.”


17.  Sugar Daddy:  If anything ever happens to you, Mad, I’m going after Nicole Parker.

Madhousewife:  You have my blessing on that, honey.

SD:  Right after the Sleep Country woman.


18.  “I’m going to create a new TV show called Time for Turds.”


19.  Magnetic poetry on the refrigerator:



20.  SD:  Mad, did you change the lightbulbs in the kitchen?  (Feigns heart attack.) I thought that was my job.

Mad:  Not anymore, Mr. Snide-Smart-alecky-Smartbutt.

SD (chortles derisively, then proceeds to sit on his wife’s head): Hey, Mad, look how smart my butt is–

Mad:  Get off of me.

SD:  I just want you to see how smart my butt is–E=mc squared, baby!

Mad:  That’s enough!

SD:  E=mc squared!

Mad:  Stop!


21.  Mad:  What does it say about people who watch Letterman, that they always have these commercials for Viagra before the show?

SD:  I think it says that people who watch Leno aren’t getting any.


22.  “Are you sure you don’t want any Camembert?  It’ll put hair on your chest.”


23.  “He’s got blonde hair, he’s balding… If I were going to pick a guy to turn gay for, it wouldn’t be him.”


24.  “Hey, remember I diagrammed the molecular structure of your name when we were engaged.”


25.  SD:  You just don’t understand the system.

Mad: I think I understand that ‘systems’ devised by men are sensible and efficient, whereas systems developed by women are just stupid.

SD:  I would not have put it so eloquently.


26.  From:  [Sugar Daddy]

To:  [Madhousewife]

Subject:  Wireless Message

Date:  Fri, 23 Sep 2005 16:44:55 +0000

had a dream last night that i was married to oprah.  you and i met up again at one of oprah’s parties and decided to reconcile.  needless to say, i didn’t sleep too well…



27.  “You know how TV is always trying to push the envelope with stuff like language and nudity–I wonder what would happen if they made a show that had a close-up shot of a dog pooping.”


28.  “All I can say is that it’s about time this ward recognized my righteousness.”


29.  PZ:  What are we having for dinner?

SD:  Monkey armpits.


30.  Sugar Daddy:  I had a smoothie tonight that contained 50 percent of my daily fiber.

Madhousewife:  Good for you.

SD:  My system’s gonna be–you know, you’re gonna want to live in my colon, it will be so clean.


31.  SD:  I’m glad I don’t have cleavage.  Know why?

MH:  No, why?

SD:  Because it would be hairy.  Hairy cleavage is disgusting.


32.  SD:  I’m going to market a PMS drug and call it Menstru-lief.

MH:  That’s nice.

SD (launching into his future advertising campaign):  “Used to be, when I had to menstruate, my life was menstruined.  I would menstrue the day I ever got my period.  But now Menstrulief has turned menstruate into menstrugreat.”


33,  “I’m going to write a book called ‘The Turd in the Closet.’ … It’s going to be the sequel to my peeing-fire story.”


34.  SD:  I think it would be fun to teach Sunday School.  Do you think they’ll ever let me?

Madhousewife:  I would love it if you taught Sunday School, SD.  Because then I would actually listen.

SD:  Yeah…but they’d probably want me to teach with pants on.