Hackers attack Twitter, Facebook also slows down

Allison Koski, a public-relations manager in Manhattan, said she felt “completely lost” without Twitter.

“I had to Google search Twitter to find out what was going on, when normally my Twitter feed gives me all the breaking news I need,” Koski said.

Ladies and gentlemen, she had to Google search.  The humanity!

Well, I won’t have my gentle readers subjected to the indignities of a Google search.  I see that Twitter is still having problems, but never fear–the Giraffe will bring you your news today.


Senate poised to make history with Sotomayor vote

You can tell it’s an important story because the font is bigger.  Did you read it, kids?  The stupid hearings are finally over and we can get back to watching other boring crap on CNN.  Yay!!!

New jobless claims drop more than expected

For some reason, this was hard for me to parse at first.  “New,” that’s like…shiny–that’s good.  But “jobless,” that’s a bummer–that’s bad.  Then “drop”–“dropping” is usually bad, but if it’s “jobless” that’s dropping, and jobless is bad, then “dropping” in this case is good…oh, if only Twitter were here, reading this would be so much simpler!

Gunman at Pa. health club was bitter over women

Friends mourned for three women fatally shot during their exercise class at a Pittsburgh-area gym by a man whose online diary revealed he felt ignored by women and had an “exit plan” to avenge his rage.

Okay, when you spray bullets from three guns into a crowded room, that’s not an “exit plan.”  That’s called a “murder plan.”  Or, if you prefer, “an entrance plan for other people’s rage,” you sick, pathetic bastard.

Former mistress of John Edwards at court amid campaign probe

Has anyone cared about John Edwards since about February 2008?  I know we Republicans really miss him a lot.  Oh, wait.  NO, WE DON’T.

Does exercise make it harder for you to lose weight?

Please say yes, please say yes, please say yes…

“In general, for weight loss, exercise is pretty useless,” says Eric Ravussin, chair in diabetes and metabolism at Louisiana State University and a prominent exercise researcher.

Sir, you have my attention!  Tell me more.

The basic problem is that while it’s true that exercise burns calories and that you must burn calories to lose weight, exercise has another effect: it can stimulate hunger. That causes us to eat more, which in turn can negate the weight-loss benefits we just accrued. Exercise, in other words, isn’t necessarily helping us lose weight. It may even be making it harder.

So that’s what you can tell yourself as you’re polishing off that bag of Cheetos:  “If I’d been exercising, I might have to open a second bag. … Which I’m totally not going to do now. … At all.”

Aerosmith’s Tyler hurt head, shoulder neck in fall

No more love in an elevator for him!

Oh, come on, like you weren’t all thinking it.

Speeding Stars Confirm Bizarre Nature of Faraway Galaxies

Didn’t we already know this from watching Star Trek and stuff?

Russia’s Putin strips for stardom, again

I know what you’re thinking:  “I don’t want to click on this link.”  That’s what I thought, too.  But you know me.

Vladimir Putin drew scrutiny reserved for Hollywood action heroes this week, as Kremlin images of him fishing, swimming, rowing and riding bare-chested on a Siberian mountain were snapped up by media all over the world.

Well, that was a lot less interesting than I thought it was going to be.

Maybe the news bored Twitter to death.