So last week I read this fluffy article, “10 reasons he may not ask you out again.”  I must say, this article is chock full of good advice for women who may not have gotten the memo that it’s bad form to spend your first date talking about your ex, talking on the phone (especially to your ex), and belching.  Also, if you haven’t gotten the memo that sometimes guys just aren’t that into you and have a tendency to move on with other women they are that into, this article should be very enlightening.  I should also be clear that every single one of these ten reasons is a legitimate reason not to ask a woman out on a second date.  I mean, if you don’t want to date someone, any reason will do.  “Wouldn’t put out” is a legitimate reason.

But there are reasons, and then there are reasons that make you lame.  In my opinion, the first two reasons in this list of 10 reasons fall under the “make you lame” category.

Reason that makes you lame #1:  “We’re shy/intimidated.”

From the article:

Some guys just get intimidated, or we’re too shy to ask for a second date. Make sure you get his number, and call the dude up to scope things out.

You’ll know if he’s intimidated in the first 10 seconds of the call when he either claims the phone is on fire and hangs up or he nervously vomits into the receiver.

This is good advice for you to follow, ladies, if you want to be with a man who’s intimidated by you.  By all means, do chase after that man.  Make sure you get his phone number so you can make him vomit into the phone.  That will be hot.

To be sure, there are men out there who are entirely too confident, i.e. clueless.  They can’t take a hint and they can’t tell the difference between “I’m just being polite” and “I totally want you.”  They just keep going for it until you file a restraining order.  That’s too much confidence.  And then there are men who vomit into the phone.  The trick is to strike that happy medium where neither legal action nor nausea gets in the way of true love.  But this strikes me as being the dude’s problem.  This belongs in an article called “10 reasons why she isn’t going out with you again (or ever!)”

Dudes, I’m going to let you in on a little secret:  Women don’t like to say no.  It makes us feel guilty.  We don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings or for anyone to think that we’re mean.  There are two lessons you can glean from this little secret.  Lesson #1:  If a woman says no, there’s a 99.99999% chance that she really means it.  Lesson #2:  Saying no is probably the worst thing she’s going to do to you, and if you can’t handle that, you aren’t any kind of man.  I know, that’s harsh, but the truth is harsh sometimes.  You’re going to have to get a thicker skin if you want to date a woman who won’t walk all over you.

Semi-relevant anecdote:  Sugar Daddy and I have a mutual male friend who spent many years as a bachelor for reasons no one could figure out because not only was he a very nice guy, but he was also very good-looking and made a nice living.  Unlike most single Mormon men, he was finished with school.  Women found him attractive.  (I myself found him attractive, but he wasn’t into me.  That was okay.  I was too busy resigning myself to a lifetime of celibacy anyway.  Ah, memories.)  Anyway, at one point SD set this mutual friend up with a woman who had been a missionary in SD’s mission.  Later, SD asked his old missionary (girl) buddy how the date had went.  She said that she had thought it went fine, but he (the mutual friend) had never called again.  So SD asked the mutual friend what the deal was, and he said he wasn’t sure if the girl wanted to go out with him again.  At which point SD said, “Dude [he didn’t really say “dude,” but I don’t want to use his real name], you’re handsome, you have a Master’s degree, and you make [a desirable amount of money] a year.  You’re guaranteed at least three dates because the woman WANTS to like you.”

My take on this story:  our mutual friend was either lying–i.e. he wasn’t that into the girl and just didn’t want to say so–or he was just being dumb.  Dumb guys don’t get to date the girls of their dreams, I tell you what.  Certainly not more than once.  So I’m just saying, guys, don’t be dumb.

Reason that makes you lame #2:  “You didn’t offer to pay.”

From the article:

Most men have no problem paying for their dates. We’re gentlemen at heart, or at least we like to think so. Still, we like it when our dates at least offer to cover their share. If our date seems to be taking advantage of a free dinner, that second date isn’t going to happen.

This is the thing that really made me inordinately upset, considering that I’m not even a single woman anymore and theoretically don’t have a dog in this race or a chicken in that casserole.  Yet this language offends me.  “Taking advantage of a free dinner”?  Insert scandalized gasp.  I am speechless.  OF COURSE WE ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF A FREE DINNER.  THAT’S WHAT DATING IS ALL ABOUT.  You give us free stuff, we like you.  We like you, we either marry you or have sex with you, depending on the circumstances.  (Let’s not get bogged down in details.) Either way, women are the ones taking the risk of getting pregnant.  We’re entitled to a free dinner out of the deal.

Call me old-fashioned, but real men don’t expect their dates to “cover their share.”  More to the point, dates who pay for themselves aren’t real dates.  They’re…appointments.  If you ask a woman on a date, you should expect that she will expect you to pay for it.  It’s part of the ages-old mating ritual whereby you demonstrate your ability to provide for a family and your dominance over the other beasts of the field.  It’s biology.  Or anthropology.  Or something.  If she asks you on a date, I reckon she’d expect to pay for it herself.  (But a real man wouldn’t tolerate such feminist nonsense, really.  Let a woman buy you dinner?  What are you, some kind of gigolo?)  I would only offer to pay for a date if I felt like insulting a guy’s masculinity.  Seriously, is this what modern men have become?  I am appalled.

Needless to say, ladies, if you didn’t get asked on a second date because you didn’t offer to pay for your half of the first “date,” I’d say you dodged a bullet there. Of course, if you feel more comfortable paying your own way, by all means, do so.  Just don’t come crying to me when the dude turns out to be a vomiting jerk.

Seriously, man, “cover her share”?  Why shouldn’t she belch afterward?

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Madhousewife is the new Dating and Lameness Czar for the Obama administration.  She welcomes comments about how you and your significant other split the tab, had some queasy phone conversations and lived happily ever after.

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