I am Facebook-friends with a woman from church who is a perfectly lovely person, but she has very strong opinions on certain subjects, mostly those having to do with health.  She is against vaccinations and fluoride and aspartame and oleo and umbilical cord-clamping and…well, you know, anything that could possibly be bad for you and even some stuff you never would have thought would be bad for you but somehow it is anyway because everything is bad, everything!  Sigh. Anyway.

We hadn’t been Facebook friends for very long when it became obvious to me that I could not stomach getting updates from her, as they all had something to do with how the medical industry was poisoning us and giving our children autism.  So I clicked on the little “x” that made it so I wouldn’t have to know everything that she was thinking anymore.  That was a huge relief.

Unfortunately, we are still technically Facebook friends, which means that she can still see my updates because I’m too lazy and paranoid to un-friend her, which means that she can still comment on my updates.  My updates are all stupid and have no point except to inform people that I am logging on to Facebook and spewing forth whatever random crap is in the old brain queue.  I’m pretty sure that this lady gets that part, but she just can’t help making comments about how everything is killing us, everything! and so she says it every time you give her any kind of opening.  You know how some people are super-Christians and can’t seem to stop praising the Lord even for five minutes and everything out of their mouths is “JESUS IS LORD” or “OUR GOD IS AN AWESOME GOD” or something like that?  Well, that’s this woman, only instead of Christianity, her religion is Everything Is Killing Us.  (Yes, technically, she is a Mormon, and a very devout Mormon, too, but she doesn’t go around talking about Mormonism nearly as much Everything That’s Killing Us, so it doesn’t really count.)

So the thing is, I always know when I’m going to be hearing from this woman.  If I mention anything about food or pharmaceuticals or household cleaning supplies or routine labor and delivery practices, she’s going to tell me it’s bad for me.  Usually I post something and immediately think, “Oh, K’s going to have something to say about that.  Oh, well.”  Occasionally I stop myself before posting it and weigh how much I feel like saying it against how much I feel like reading a comment about my inevitable demise due to my foolish embrace of the modern world and its conveniences.  It’s only Facebook, so rarely does this kind lady stop me from living my life as I normally would (if I do that, the terrorists have already won!), but it’s always there, in my consciousness.  I know what she’s going to say before she says it, which is a remarkable knowledge to have about someone you are only casually acquainted with.

So this morning I posted on my Facebook that I couldn’t believe it wasn’t butter.  Couldn’t believe what wasn’t butter, you might ask.  What does she mean by that?  Nothing, I tell you.  Nothing.  It’s just what popped into my head circa 9 a.m.  I’ve never even tasted I Can’t Believe It’s Not Better, but even if I did, I’m actually pretty sure I’d believe it wasn’t.  I don’t mean anything by it, you see.  It’s like when I said I gave love a bad name.  I don’t literally mean I give love a bad name–if there’s any literal way one can do that–I’m just sayin’.  You know?  But anyway, I said it, i.e. that I couldn’t believe it wasn’t butter, and as soon as I did it, I thought, “Yeah, K’s going to have something to say about this.  Oh, well.”  And of course she did have something to say, which was this:

if it’s not butter, it’s margarine, just a one step away from plastic (this was proven)…no wonder a heart can’t beat with plastic in it?

Yes.  Indeed.  So, yeah, I have no right to complain about this, as I a) could always un-friend her if it really bugged me that much and b) seriously freaking asked for it with that margarine-laden status update.  I don’t know.  I’m not complaining, really, I’m just thinking.  Thinking about whether or not I could get her to un-friend me if I posted something offensive enough–like maybe “Madhousewife got vaccinated because she wanted to suck all the marrow out of life” or “Madhousewife drinks diet Coke just for the aspartame” (which is literally true, I think) or “Madhousewife smashed a CFL on her kitchen floor and failed to evacuate the house on principle.”

I’m just curious.  That’s all.

What’s the most offensive thing you’ve published on Facebook?  And was it accidental, or on purpose?

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