I don’t usually go for April Fool’s Day because I think it’s pretty stupid and annoying.  I don’t like having jokes played on me, particularly.  I don’t hate it, particularly, but my general preference is for people to be straight with me.  So why did I marry a man who loves playing jokes on people and messing with their heads?  Perhaps because my feelings on the topic were never especially strong, so I didn’t realize that it would annoy me to regularly converse with someone who lies as a matter of course about inconsequential matters.  That is my analysis; it could be wrong, but I don’t care enough to discuss it further.

Except to relate the following conversation that took place between my daughter and me the other day:

Princess Zurg:  Mom, is Dad joking or not?

Mad:  Are his lips moving?

Thank you, I’ll be here all week.  Wait, I was here all week.  I’m about to leave for the weekend.  But first I’m going to do this April 1-themed blog because, well, I can.  Or at least I think I can.  I was going to say that while there was a game going around Xanga a few months ago, where you post two truths and a lie or six truths and two lies or twelve truths and twenty-seven lies, I thought it might be fun to play that game myself with my gentle readers.  I once won a game of Two Truths and a Lie that I played among strangers.  It is easier to lie to strangers.  You, gentle readers, are not so easy for me to lie to because you simply know too much about me (unless you are here for the first time, in which case, welcome–try not to get bored too easily).  That was why I never ended up playing the game on my blog, because I couldn’t come up with any convincing lies to tell people who know a bunch of stuff about me.

In case you are curious, the lie I told to the strangers was “I used to be a middle-school English teacher.”  (The truths were “I am pregnant with my fourth child”–which would be a lie now, but not then–and “I can type 90 words per minute.”)  Nobody could guess the lie because while I am not terribly experienced with lying (unlike some Madhousehold members I could mention) and while I have no experience or aptitude for teaching any subject, I could fake being a middle-school English teacher in my sleep.  That is what an English degree is good for, kids.  Make a mental note.  That, or I am just not a very convincing truth-teller.  YOU DECIDE.

No, wait, I’m getting ahead of myself.  What I was going to say was that I’ve decided to play this game, in honor of April Fool’s Day, called, “One Truth, One Outright Lie, and One Half-Truth That Might Just As Well Be a Lie Depending On Your Point of View But I’ve Opted To Call It a Half-Truth.  I should probably disqualify my sisters from playing, as they will be able to spot the outright lie for sure–I’m not gifted enough to come up with something to fool people who grew up with me, on top of fooling people who have only known me on the interwebs.  (That, or I’m just lazy.  But not being lazy is like a gift, so…either way.)

The three statements:

1.  I have never had a speeding ticket, or any other kind of traffic ticket.

2.  I have never seen an R-rated movie.

3.  I went on my first date at age 20.

Which is the Truth, which is the Outright Lie, and which is the Half-Truth That Might Technically Be a Lie But Etc. Etc. Etc.?

You don’t get any prizes for winning.  The joy is in the journey.

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If you don’t feel like playing–and I’ll be honest with you, I wouldn’t myself–the only other thing I have to amuse you (potentially) is this dream I had last night, in which I got a phone call from a realtor informing me that Sarah Palin and her family would be coming to look at our house and possibly buy it–which came as a surprise to me because I wasn’t aware our house was even on the market, and I certainly wasn’t prepared to have it shown, as it was in quite a state of untidiness.  Unfortunately, I did not have any time to spiff it up for Sarah Palin and her family because they were coming RIGHT NOW, and I would just have to show it as is.  I thought, “She is never going to want it if she sees it like this,” and sure enough, in walks Sarah Palin three seconds later and the first words out of her mouth are “Oh, no way in Hell.” I don’t know if Sarah Palin really talks that way, but in my dream she was quite adamant.  The realtor said, “Now, Sarah, just give it a chance, have a look around, use your imagination, etc.,” which she grudgingly agreed to do, and over the course of the tour she had to concede that the house had its good points.  She still wanted to look at other properties, but I never found out how that went because suddenly she got a call on her cell phone that her father had been in an accident, and the rest of the dream was taken up with Sarah Palin’s father’s funeral, which morphed into a trial of a puppeteer who was faring badly in court because the character witness his lawyer had called turned out to be a jilted lover who had been holding a grudge against him for several years.  I don’t remember what he was on trial for.  I probably missed that part because I was busy watching the funeral.  But anyway, there it is.  If you can interpret that dream, I’ll be impressed.  (But there are still no prizes.)

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