I know you have all been anxiously awaiting the correct answers to my One Truth, One Outright Lie and One Half-Truth That Might As Well Be a Lie, Etc. game that I posted on Friday.  I don’t usually blog on the weekend, but I already blogged on Saturday because it was Elvis’s birthday, and I read somewhere that April is supposed to be Blog Every Day month or something–which I don’t think I can do, but since I’m already two for two, I may as well try to see how long I last.  So without further ado, since I have something to blog about, here is the Complete Truth:

Statement #1:  I have never had a speeding ticket, or any other kind of traffic ticket.

True. I have sped, I have moved in a violating manner, but I have never had the misfortune to do these things in front of police officers.  At least not any who were paying attention, I guess.  I try very hard to drive carefully, and particularly not to speed–which is difficult when I’m always late for everything–but I admit that this is one area of life in which I am mostly just lucky.

I have gotten a lot of parking tickets, but parking isn’t traffic and therefore doesn’t count.  Actually, it doesn’t count because you usually get a parking ticket when you are not in your car and the cop therefore can’t ask for your license and registration or any of that other scary cop stuff that they do.  I was once stopped by a cop because one of my rear tail lights was out, but he didn’t give me a ticket.  So that also doesn’t count.

Statement #2:  I have never seen an R-rated movie.

Outright lie. I’ve seen lots.  I just haven’t seen any in the last fifteen years, which is why you don’t see me discussing movies on the blog, because I just don’t see that many.  It’s why I don’t know who any of the movie stars are anymore, because I don’t watch movies anymore.  I used to watch a lot of movies, most of which were R-rated, because most movies made for adults are R-rated.  But now I only go to the theater if I’m taking the kids to see a movie, or if there’s a Harry Potter movie out, or if there’s a super-phenomenal PG-13-rated action movie out that my husband cannot resist.  I used to pay attention to the movies that were coming out, even if I knew I wasn’t going to see any of them, but I stopped doing that a few years ago, too, because I realized it was like reading articles about food I would never get to eat.  Not enjoyable.

The plus side about not seeing many movies is that the movies I do watch tend to be really good.  For example, in 2010 I saw Inception and Toy Story 3.  Both really good movies.  I daresay I liked them more than most other people liked them because, well, they were the only movies I saw.  Oh, wait.  There was also the Harry Potter movie.  Did I manage to see that in December, or did I wait until January?  Would it still have been in the theaters in January?  Doesn’t matter.  I saw that one, too, and I liked it, although it was not as awesome as Inception.  (Or Toy Story 3.)

At home we mostly watch TV shows on DVD or Netflix, not movies.  However, I do have a copy of The Social Network lying on my entertainment center.  I got it from Netflix before spring break, but the husband and I haven’t had opportunity to watch it yet.  First we had all this company, then we had a date night where we shopped for washers and dryers, then Girlfriend went to the ER, then it was the work week and since we can’t get all the kids in bed until 9-9:30, we can’t start watching a movie until almost 10-10:30, and that’s just too late to start.  Then there was Elvis’s birthday party, then there was some other crap and we were all tired…and this weekend my mother-in-law will be here for Elvis’s baptism, so I guess the target date for actually watching The Social Network is now April 15–unless something comes up.  See, this is why we watch TV shows, which are only 22 or 42 minutes long.  Movies are such a commitment.

And for the record, although I am a big fan of serial-killer books, I do not like slasher movies.  I saw a few in my misspent youth, but they weren’t really my thing.  It is easier for me to read about psycho killers than to watch psycho killers in action.  Having all that blood and guts up in my face is too much.  Having a picture painted in your mind is much gentler than having a picture painted on your eyeballs.

And note to OBL:  I actually haven’t seen There Will Be Blood.  I only know about the milkshake scene.  There are certain aspects of pop culture even I cannot escape.

Statement #3:  I went on my first date at age 20.

Half-Truth, or At Least I Have Chosen To Designate It Half Truth.  I went to my senior prom when I was 17, but my “date” was a friend who only asked me because his girlfriend’s parents didn’t like him and wouldn’t let him take her to prom, so I really didn’t feel like that counted, so far as “dates” are concerned.  I don’t think my standard for a “date” is too high.  While commiserating with other 17-year-olds who didn’t date, I learned that none of them considered prom a real “date,” either–more like a “rite of passage that formally required a companion, traditionally of the opposite sex (but hey, not necessarily).”

So if you don’t count my senior prom–which I don’t, and I’m pretty sure my “date” didn’t either, which is another argument for not counting it–my first date was with a cat who would later end up a contestant of some ignominy on the TV show Love Connection with Chuck Woolery.  (Call it his fifteen minutes of infamy.)  He was a friend of my older sister, who for reasons I have never ascertained, thought it would be okay if she gave this man I had never met my phone number.  Because he was sister’s friend and also because I am a girl who can’t say no, I agreed to go on a date with him.

I want to attempt to describe this gentleman to you, but I don’t know if I can do him justice.  He was a friendly guy, he liked to joke around, but his sense of humor was not always completely appropriate.  For example, he told me on the phone to dress casually for the occasion, but that he insisted on deodorant.  Okay, fair enough.  He took me out to dinner for Italian food, and the food was very good.  He purposely ordered a whole lot of it so he’d have leftovers for the rest of the week.  At least that is what he told me.  (He was a man of size.  Not obese, really–more like a former football player who had let himself go.)  Afterward he drove us down to the Griffith Observatory to see the laser light show or whatever it was, and we got there and walked all the way up the hill only to find out that it was closed.  So then he took me home.  I don’t think I was his type, which was fine, because he wasn’t mine, either, but it wasn’t a terrible experience or anything.  That would be my second date, with someone else,  a few months later.  That was the date that made me decide that dating was vastly, vastly overrated.  By the I was 25, I was resigned to a lifetime of celibacy, but that decision was more a journey of discovery and not really precipitated by any one event.

I like the story of my first date because of the Love Connection angle.  As I have already said, this gentleman and I did not have a love connection, and alas, he was not destined to find one on the show of that name, either.  I’m pretty sure I have a videotape of his appearance on Love Connection because my sister taped it, and I used to show it at my friends’ bridal showers to give them an idea of what they were missing out on.  (Select line:  “I’m really looking for a girl who’s willing to shave my back for me.”)  If I were the kind of person who enjoyed publicly humiliating another human being on the internet, I would dig up the video, have it converted to digital and post it right here so you can see with your own eyes what words could never adequately convey.  But since I’m the kind of person who only used to enjoy ridiculing another person at private parties among friends and that only because her bitterness over never having made a love connection of her own prevented her from seeing the full moral import of her actions, I am just going to ask you to take my word for it.  (Or alternatively, you could come visit me at my house and I’ll show you the video then.)

I always say my husband was the smartest, handsomest and most charming man I had ever dated, and there is nothing half-true about that.

This concludes our game.  Congratulations to all the winners (which was most of you)!


Official Winners’ List:


ordinarybutloud (second attempt)