* I have eaten at a lot of restaurants in the last week. We do this a lot when relatives come to visit. It is one of the good things about relatives coming to visit. Something that I have recently realized is that I can eat my entire family under the table. The braces have slowed me down a little bit–there are some things that just aren’t worth the trouble of eating anymore–but overall, not enough. I have an insatiable appetite for cheeseburgers. I could eat a cheeseburger every damn day of my life. With fries. Like I would eat a cheeseburger without fries? Hello? And a diet Coke, of course. Some people think that’s really lame, ordering a cheeseburger and fries with a diet Coke, as if that’s going to make any difference whatsoever–but it just so happens that I like diet Coke. I like it better than regular Coke. I also like Coke Zero. I even like Diet Rite. I’m not the biggest fan of Diet Pepsi, but I’ll take it in a pinch. I’ve never tried Diet Dr. Pepper because I don’t like real Dr. Pepper. (I know there are legions of Dr. Pepper devotees out there, and I suppose it’s futile to tell you that I’m not interested in hearing about how much you love Dr. Pepper and how it’s the one true beverage, so I guess I won’t even bother. A Mormon doesn’t have much of a leg to stand on when it comes to decrying unsolicited religious messages, so I’ll just sit here and take it. It’s probably the Christian thing to do, anyway.) Where was I going with this? I don’t know. I’d just really like a cheeseburger right now.
* TheTheologiansCafe asked a question, “Do you have a close gay friend?” and went on to qualify that question by defining “close friend”: “The type of friend that you can go do stuff with and hang out with. You can call the person and share things with him/her.” Of course I don’t have a close gay friend. I’ve had some gay co-workers, gay classmates, gay neighbors, gay Facebook “friends,” gay acquaintances–people I liked well enough to have over for dinner, people I would invite to a party, if I had parties–but no, I don’t have any close gay friends. But by Dan’s definition, I don’t have any close straight friends, either, so whatever.
* Speaking of gay friends, Dan’s post reminded me of the Sassy Gay Friend archetype you see so often in the movies and on TV. It’s really a Sassy Gay Male Friend, isn’t it? Have you ever seen a Sassy Lesbian Friend in the movies or on TV? Is this a sexism thing, or are lesbians just not that sassy? I must say, I myself have never met any sassy lesbians. I can’t really say I’ve met many sassy gay men either, though. Just regular gay men. There was this one guy at this one place I worked, and he was gay and arguably somewhat sassy, but really paled in comparison to say, that guy on Will & Grace. Not Will, but the other guy. “Just Jack!” Is that right? How many episodes of Will & Grace have I actually seen? I think maybe one and a half. Or maybe one but two halves of two other shows, adding up to the equivalent of two whole shows? I don’t know. I just never got into it. You know why? Not enough sassy lesbians! But seriously, if you’ve seen a movie or TV show with a sassy lesbian, or if you know a sassy lesbian in real life, you can tell me about it. Even if it involves Dr. Pepper.
* P.S. I like Ellen DeGeneres as much as the next person, but I wouldn’t classify her as “sassy.”
* Does this bullet blog seem overly gay? I was just going to mention that I don’t have any gay relatives that I know of–but then, I don’t know my relatives all that well. Some of them very well could be gay, and I just wouldn’t know it because there’s a lot I don’t know.
* I just made some macaroni and cheese from a box for my kids. It was Kraft macaroni and cheese, for the record. And the box was labeled “original flavor.” Am I to understand that there are other flavors of macaroni and cheese in a box? Please tell me it’s only something innocuous like, say, white cheddar, and not nacho cheese or something that Cheetos also come flavored in.
* “Flaming Hot Mac & Cheese” seems like something that my husband would say made him throw up a little in his mouth but that he would actually not be able to resist trying. So please tell me it doesn’t exist.
* There is a restaurant in Portland called Montage, and they specialize in macaroni and cheese. I have never had their macaroni and cheese, even though I’m sure it is really good, and I actually do like good macaroni and cheese. Usually when I go there I have their fried chicken or their chicken-fried steak–are you sensing a pattern here? I have always wanted to try their jambalaya. Perhaps I am skeptical that macaroni and cheese can be so good that I would want to pay for it, when I could pay to have chicken-fried steak or jambalaya instead. I don’t know. I have had their frog legs. I have also had their oyster shooters. Or rather, I have had an oyster shooter there, because my husband dared me to. I don’t particularly love oysters, nor do I enjoy the sensation of slimy things sliding down my throat, but I need to maintain my husband’s respect for me, what there is of it, and so I have had an oyster shooter. But not their macaroni and cheese. Because my husband has never dared me to eat their macaroni and cheese.
* Would I eat anything on a dare? No. I would not eat a bug on a dare. Not even if it was at a fancy restaurant. And I would not eat something without knowing what it was first. Although in some cases it might have helped not to know, e.g. that time I had tongue.
* Lately Sugar Daddy and I have been watching a lot of Man v. Food on the Netflix. I like watching that show, except when I am feeling hungry, either physically or psychologically. I find the host an affable fellow. I’m kind of amazed that he doesn’t weigh 600 pounds, even if he’s only eating the few bites we see him put down on camera. Have you seen the food on that show? Cheeseburgers made with four pounds of beef? Even I couldn’t do that. The other night I watched him put away all but three bites of four-and-a-half-pounds of steak. It made my stomach hurt to think of it. I think the most amazing thing, though, is that he found something worth eating in Boise. I wonder if he drinks SlimFast for breakfast or something. When he’s not filming, is his menu all sprouts and bee pollen and crap? (I use “crap” metaphorically here.) Or maybe he drinks a lot of diet Coke, eh? Eh? I bet that’s what it is.