* Because the right punctuation can make anything exciting!
Princess Zurg: If there were a real Katy Perry and a fake Katy Perry, how would you know which one was fake?
Mister Bubby: One would sing good and the other one would not.
PZ: What if they were quiet?
MB: One would have a devilish look in her eye.
PZ: Actually, the real Katy Perry would shoot fireworks out of her bosoms.
Speaking of bosoms, I’ve been wondering lately why women’s breasts get compared to fruit all the time. I mean, sure, some women’s breasts really are like cantaloupes–some are even like watermelons–but the majority of breasts out there aren’t like anything out of any garden. I read Water for Elephants the other day, and at one point someone’s breasts are compared to lemons. And I thought, “Really? Lemons?” What does that even mean? It seems to me that if someone’s looking at or touching your breasts and his first thought is lemons, you might have a couple of different problems.
Speaking of lemons, Representative David Wu (D-Oregon) has resigned his Congressional seat. This is old news, but the resignation is officially in effect now. Republican Rob Cornilles is planning to run for the seat again, after losing to Wu by twelve percentage points last fall. Does he have a chance in hell? Hard to say, but my money says he loses by no more than six percentage points this time.
Mr. Wu resigned because of a sex scandal, of course. People are so uptight now. Remember the ’90s, when you could have a sex scandal and still keep your job (unless you were Bob Packwood)? But I digress. My point was going to be that news outlets kept reporting that Wu had had an “unwanted sexual encounter” with the 18-year-old daughter of a fundraiser, and I thought that was an awfully strange way of putting it. “He had an unwanted sexual encounter.” Unwanted by whom, exactly? Presumably not unwanted by him, since people don’t usually get in trouble for being the recipient of an unwanted sexual encounter (also: likely story!), so why not just say something like, I dunno, “He made an unwanted sexual advance”? Or is that just too clear-cut for journalism these days?
Here’s the other thing: Months before this particular scandal broke, Wu’s staffers were expressing concern that the congressman was “unstable.” Exhibit A was that he’d sent out a photo of himself dressed in a Tigger suit for Halloween. And I thought, “Really? A Tigger suit? This is where you draw the line?” Granted, it did look kind of creepy, but is that some kind of crime now, wearing a Tigger suit while middle-aged? That’s your smoking gun?
But now we see where that sort of thing leads. Let this be a lesson to all of you middle-aged men out there! If you find yourself getting the urge to be photographed as a Winnie the Pooh character, for heaven’s sake, get help.
Speaking of help, my daughter is trying to earn money to buy a ticket to a My Chemical Romance concert, so I have to come up with some jobs for her to do today. Preferably jobs that don’t require me to be in the room effectively doing the job with her, because I don’t need to buy a My Chemical Romance ticket, so why should I suffer? This is going to take all of my mental energy, so I have no time left for blogging this morning. I will talk to you all later. Au revoir, gentle readers. Au revoir.