What does the title of this blog post mean?  I don’t know, but I’ve decided it’s a propos because I’m going to talk about Republicans.  And the elephant is their mascot, see?  Mister Bubby was wearing his Republican tie to church on Sunday–American-flag themed with a big old elephant on it.  It was his father’s.  Well, technically, I guess it still is his father’s, but Sugar Daddy doesn’t wear it anymore.  He only wears the classy, fashionable ties these days.  He no longer goes for the full awesome.  At least not in business attire.  Anyway.  Mister Bubby was wondering if there was a Democrat tie out there with a donkey on it, and we told him there surely was, though we didn’t know who would wear such a thing.  (Do Democrats even wear ties?)  And that started us down the path of “whose idea was it for the Democratic mascot to be a jackass,” and I just don’t know the answer to that question.  Who decided the Republicans should be elephants?  What does that even mean?  We’re really big and slow?  You know, that’s not…unreasonable.  But I digress.

I haven’t been paying much attention to the Republican presidential primary race because, well, it’s depressing.  Also, I don’t like getting all excited about a particular candidate and then watching them get their cans kicked in Iowa and New Hampshire.  (I’m talking to you, Rudy.  You broke my heart!)  Being an Oregonian, my vote counts about as much as…someone else’s vote that doesn’t count.  I think we hold our primary about three weeks before the general election.  You may not realize this, but by then NO ONE CARES.  We could all write in Mickey Mouse and it would have no effect on anything whatsoever.  So all I can get out of this is entertainment, and thusfar none of these candidates has entertained me much.

I suppose that is destined to change, now that Texas governor Rick Perry has joined the race.  I hear he’s colorful.  I enjoy color, even when it comes with a side of crazy (which it usually does).  It’s better than crazy sans color, that’s for sure.  I am not intimately acquainted with Gov. Perry.  At first glance it would appear that he has a habit of shooting his mouth off.  I appreciate the candor, for sure–in this, he’s like the anti-Romney–but there’s candor, and then there’s looking like a kook.  And then there’s actually being a kook.  Sometimes it’s hard to tell which is worse.  We’ll have to watch this one more closely.

So far my favorite story about Gov. Perry is that he carries a gun when he goes jogging.  And one day he was jogging with his dog and a coyote attacked his dog, so he shot the coyote.  With his gun.  That he takes on jogs.  Just in case you missed the thrust of this anecdote, he jogs with a gun.  That might be the awesomest thing I’ve ever heard.  But sadly, when it comes to being president of the United States, it’s not enough to be awesome.  You also have to not be crazy.  Which means that if you want to be elected, you can’t look crazy.  Case in point:  Pres. Obama has never looked crazy.  That’s why he’s Pres. Obama.  It’s an art, but I’m not sure it can be taught.

I’m just glad there’s another game in town besides Mitt Romney, no offense to him.  I didn’t think it possible, but I have even less enthusiasm for him now than I did in 2008.  He’s definitely a smart guy and definitely a competent guy.  But he’s not an inspiring guy.  He has trouble with the “vision thing,” as they say.  And I think Pres. Obama would mop the floor with him.  Which is pretty sad, because Pres. Obama’s not that tough.

I think you know where I’m going with this, kids.

PRESIDENTIAL FISTFIGHT 2012!

As long-time readers know, I believe most elections results can be predicted according to who would beat whom in a fistfight.  This is especially true for presidential races, where personality counts much more than ideology and people feel obligated to vote even if they don’t really care that much who wins.  I had a hard time predicting the winner in 2008 because John McCain was so erratic, and you just never know where erratic’s going to go.  No, really, that’s the thing about erratic–it’s unpredictable.  But now I know a little more about Pres. Obama’s style–and possible weaknesses–and there are no erratic Republicans running against him (just crazy ones), so I think it may be a little easier.

First, let’s take a closer look at Pres. Obama.  He seems to be a real above-the-fray kind of cat, but he’s not above sneaking a sucker punch when nobody’s looking.  You have to watch this one real carefully.  Stare him down.  Then, when he least expects it, hit him between the eyes!  The question is whether there is anyone in the current Republican field who can manage this precision job.

Mitt Romney–As I’ve said before, he’s competent.  He’s smart.  He’s just not very quick.  He’s cautious and doesn’t like to get his hair mussed.  I doubt he’d be able to land a single punch on the President.  In fairness, the President does have a Secret Service detail–did I not mention that the Secret Service can come to the fistfight?  That’s why the incumbent always has the advantage.  And all the more reason why Mitt Romney is doomed, unless he can show me more gumption than he has heretofore.

Michele Bachmann–I believe I once posited that Ms. Bachmann was the only person in Congress who could (or would) take on Nancy Pelosi in a fistfight.  She might even throw the first punch.  Would she win?  Eh…hard to say.  But she’s got guts, that’s for sure.  Could she take Pres. Obama?  Well, as a woman she has to walk a very fine line.  She has to be tough, but at the same time, ladylike.  It’s unfair, yes, but sadly, that’s the world we live in.  And needless to say, she’d be wearing heels, so that’s another factor.  As long as she can keep her balance, she has a chance, a real chance.  But if she falls and ends up attacking her opponent with her shoe or something equally undignified, the judges are going to penalize her.  Sexist pigs.

Herman Cain–An impressive man, but all the President has to do is say, “Hey, how about that Middle East?” and he’ll go all deer in the headlights.  We can’t afford that.

Newt Gingrich–As I’ve said before…Really?  (I’m paraphrasing.)  We all remember Mr. Gingrich as the scrappy Speaker of the House, but that was a long time ago.  Now he just seems grouchy.  If he gets hit, he’s probably going to complain that it was a “gotcha” punch.  But gotcha punches count!

Ron Paul–Automatically disqualified because fistfights aren’t mentioned in the Constitution.  (I’m sure I’ve made that joke before, but it just never gets old.)

Rick Perry–I’m betting he has more upper-body strength than Michele Bachmann.  Would definitely give the President a run for his money…unless he jogs to the fight, in which case HE’LL JUST USE HIS GUN.

I know what you’re thinking:  “Mad, should guns be allowed at a fistfight?”  The answer is no.  But what are you going to do about it, America?

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