I will never understand why people like Lucky Charms, and by “people” I mean my children.  And, I guess, my husband, since I’m assuming that it was my husband who introduced this cereal to our household.  Half of it’s dried-up marshmallows and what isn’t marshmallows looks like frosted Meow Mix.  No, I have never actually eaten Lucky Charms.  Why would I?  It looks disgusting.  My parents told me that I used to eat cat food when I was a baby, but that hasn’t translated into me thinking that I’d like to eat frosted Meow Mix with marshmallows.  Maybe I just prefer my cat food straight up, I don’t know.

We didn’t eat many pre-sweetened cereals when I was in my formative years.  (That might explain the cat food thing, or it might be unrelated.  You decide.)  The cereals I remember eating are Chex, Shredded Wheat, Grape-Nuts and maybe Wheaties.  Probably Corn Flakes because I can’t imagine my parents not buying something as cheap as Corn Flakes.  Oh, and the occasional Product 19.  Do any of you remember Product 19?  It’s the only cereal my father will eat now, and they only sell it at one store, but I forget which.  I’m not a fan of Product 19, particularly.  But I digress.

I remember eating a lot of Chex cereal, all flavors.  Chex used to be cheap (I’m assuming, because my parents only bought cheap things).  Now it’s only cheap at Christmas time, when we’re all supposed to be making Chex party mix.  (Do you make Chex party mix?  You can buy it pre-made now, of course, but that’s disgusting.)  Back when I was a kid, Chex was distributed by Purina, and it had the Purina logo, which even as a kid I thought was hilarious.  (That might also explain the cat food thing, or it might not.  I’m just giving you as much information as I can.)  That’s about all I have to say about Chex cereal.  It’s still pretty good, but I only buy it at Christmas time.

Anyway, my point–before I started digressing all over the place–was that my parents didn’t believe in buying pre-sweetened cereals.  But only because they were expensive.  We always put sugar on our unsweetened cereals, a practice which strikes me nauseating as an adult, but back then it was just the thing to do.  At some point I stopped doing it, but I don’t think my dad ever has.  Anyway.  I can remember that about once a year my mother would buy some Count Chocula or Frankenberry Crunch.  It must have gone on mad sale once a year.  (Maybe at Halloween?  I wouldn’t know.)  I don’t remember liking those cereals very much.  They turned the milk colors that milk isn’t supposed to be.  I was surprised to learn that they actually still make Count Chocula and Frankenberry Crunch, only I think they call them something else now.  Does anyone out there still eat them?

Later on, my parents became a little more willing to spend money on cereal, perhaps, because when Cookie Crisp was invented, they would buy it for us sometimes.  To this day Cookie Crisp is the only pre-sweetened cereal I remember fondly.  Yes, it has been thirty years since I’ve eaten it, and I realize that it is probably not as delicious as I remember, but I don’t intend to spoil that childhood memory.  I’m satisfied with it.

Occasionally I will come across these discussions on the internet about favorite cereals, and adults will be talking about how much they like Apple Jacks or Froot Loops or whatever, and I just can’t relate.  I might, if I were desperately hungry, eat Apple Jacks or even Froot Loops dry, but in milk, as an actual breakfast-cereal experience?  Ew.

The milk really makes a difference.  I will never, as long as I live, understand people who eat soggy cereal on purpose.  I may not be able to finish writing this paragraph because thinking about soggy cereal triggers my gag reflex.  I knew a guy in college who would purposely leave his cereal in milk for several minutes before eating it because, as he explained it, it was easier to eat it fast if it was soggy.  Okay…  ?????????  The reason you eat cereal fast is so it won’t get soggy.  Making it soggy so you can eat it faster is just…why???  Why????????  [Sobbing]  I don’t understand! 

Needless to say, I hate it when my children leave cereal in their bowls and it gets soggy.  I hate having to dispose of or deal with soggy cereal in any manner.  I’m sorry, did you miss me?  I had to leave the paragraph to throw up.  There are certain cereals that I can’t watch anyone eat because I am too intimately acquainted with their tendency to get soggy almost immediately.  I seriously put up a barrier of cereal boxes between me and my children when they’re eating one of these cereals.  Lucky Charms is one of them.

Of course, the worst offender is Cheerios.  Unless you are new here, you all know about my irrational fear of Cheerios.  You didn’t know?  Well, maybe that’s because I don’t like to talk about it.  Because Cheerios are disgusting.  They’re particularly disgusting in milk, but I find them disgusting in every form.  I always have.  I think I was traumatized as a youth because I saw too many of them pasted onto too many toddlers’ cheeks.  I always swore that I would never have Cheerios in my house, but the problem, of course, is that Cheerios are just so effing nutritious and easy for babies to feed themselves.  So yes, I did end up buying Cheerios for my kids when they were little.  And I hated it.  Hated every minute of it.  I was so relieved when they got older and moved onto less nutritious snacks. (I mean, with the requisite regrets about failing to instill long-lasting healthy habits in my offspring, but relieved nonetheless.)

The thing about Cheerios is that they get everywhere.  No, that’s not actually “the” thing about Cheerios.  “The” thing about Cheerios is that they’re disgusting, but certainly a thing about Cheerios is that they get everywhere, and everywhere is not a place you want disgusting things to be.  I haven’t bought Cheerios for my kids in years (not since they discovered Lucky Charms), and to this day I am still finding stray Cheerios in random places.  Which is disgusting because a) it’s Cheerios, and b) where the hell did they come from?

I’m sorry, but I can’t write any more about Cheerios.  It’s too nauseating.

It appears that I’ve hit the 1,000-words mark anyway, so I guess it’s time to wrap this sucker up by turning the conversation over to you, gentle readers.  What cereals do you like to eat?  What cereal did you eat as a kid that you now can’t believe you ever managed to choke down?  What cereals do you find disgusting?  Do you like Cheerios?  Don’t tell me!  Answer other questions instead.  Just kidding.  It’s okay if you like Cheerios.  Some of my best friends are disgusting like that.

I did not dig ’em.