Last night I bought a bathing cap for Girlfriend because she is still in swimming lessons, and her long, curly hair is increasingly getting in the way of her swimming success.  This morning I tried to put the bathing cap on her head.  Let’s just say that’s $3.99 I won’t be getting back.  I put her hair in a ponytail instead.

I had also bought a bathing cap for Princess Zurg, whose very, very long hair has not gotten in the way of her swimming success, since she has never fought me on the hair-restraining issue.  Unfortunately, because PZ’s hair is so very, very long, a mere ponytail will not suffice; I have to braid her hair to keep it from getting in the way.  What is further unfortunate is that braids and swimming make for a big fracking mess of hair disaster that is very painful to recover from.  Hence, I have been talking about getting her a bathing cap.  My husband has been expressing skepticism that all of PZ’s hair could possibly be contained within a bathing cap.  On the other hand, we did manage to get all of her hair under that Justin Bieber wig last Halloween.  So I felt that it was worth a try.  If it didn’t work, I could always put the bathing cap on my head when I’m forced to go swimming once a month.

Unfortunately, my experience with trying to fit a bathing cap on my five-year-old’s head has destroyed any sense of optimism I had about getting one on anyone else’s head, including my own.  I know that people wear bathing caps.  I see them all the time at the pool.  I am thinking that those people might have really small heads.  If there’s anything that the Madhousefamily does not have, it’s a small head–meaning that there is literally not one small head among us.  We are all big-headed freaks here.  Big-headed freaks who resist rubber bathing caps.

I don’t know.  It’s times like these when I think, “They can put a man on the moon, but they can’t make a bathing cap that someone of my intelligence and education level can fit on a human head?”  It’s unfair.  I mean, we know how to put a man on the moon, but no one knows how to accommodate my personal weaknesses.  It’s an insurmountable problem.  Fortunately, it doesn’t come up more than once or twice a day.

Let’s change the subject.  (Something I can do!)  My husband bought us tickets for the high school play, which is a family-friendly production, so by “us” I mean all of us, including my mother-in-law, who is visiting for the last time before she finally moves up here for real.  (She still has to sell her house in California.)  He bought tickets for the matinee because he thought it seemed like the best option.  He may have been right.  I mean, he still may be right, I don’t know, but the fact is that the matinee starts at 4 p.m. and PZ doesn’t get home until after 4 p.m., so I’m going to have to pick her up early from school so she can go see this play.  I’m sure she doesn’t mind.  I’m sure I don’t mind, except I wonder what I should put on the sign-out form under “Reason for absence.”  “Theatrical appointment”?  “Cultural enrichment”?  Or “Because I’m the parent and I effing feel like it, fascists”?  I will take your votes.

Speaking of votes, I am finding it impossible not to like this guy.

I just wished I liked his 9-9-9 plan as much as I like the way he says it.  NAHN-NAHN-NAHN!  Not that it matters.  I live in Oregon and I don’t have to decide who I’m going to vote for.  The good citizens of every other state in the Union will decide for me.

I am finding it very easy to be disengaged from the political process this time around.  It might be because I’m too self-absorbed to care what happens to the country.  But whatever it is, I like it!

In those rare moments that I do find myself giving a rat’s ass about anything, I wish that I could make a Frankenstein monster out of various parts of the Republican presidential candidates.  That would be a lot less scary than any of them is individually.  Some I would cannibalize more liberally than others, but I’d take something from everyone.  Even John Huntsman.  Because how cool would it be if Herman Cain could speak Chinese?  HE WOULD BE UNSTOPPABLE.

Pres. Obama vs. Republican Frankenstein.  Who wouldn’t buy tickets for that show?  And get their kids out of school early for it, too?  Some might even wear bathing caps to the event, but only if they had really small heads and were kind of crazy.

P.S.  Just so we’re clear, Republican Frankenstein would cream the President in a fistfight.

Advertisements