So here’s how the clogging went on Saturday: it wasn’t a complete disaster. I haven’t been able to bring myself to look at any of the videos, though, because I know I made several big mistakes, and I don’t want to see how obvious they were. Fortunately, I was in the back row most of the time, but I also managed to make mistakes while in the front row. So I was disappointed with my performance, but since we’re not learning any new routines between now and the county fair, I think I will be able to get it together in time to not embarrass myself in that venue. That is the good news.

The bad news is that I still have this stupid cough and cold, and it just won’t go away. I stopped taking the cough syrup because it doesn’t seem to make a difference one way or the other. The other day I took some Nyquil, hoping it would knock me out so I could get a good night’s sleep, but I still managed to get up in the middle of the night and cough basically non-stop for an hour. That’s not conducive to getting good rest, in case you were wondering. Stupid Nyquil. It betrayed me!

I have been drinking a lot of Gatorade because I need to get the fluids in me, but I can’t drink water when I’m sick, as I explained last time–or the time before that, whenever. Gatorade is pretty disgusting, but I’ve been drinking whole bottles of it, just chugging the stuff like it’s…well…water. Yesterday I looked at the calorie content. BIG MISTAKE. Not because it’s a freakishly large amount of calories in a bottle of Gatorade, but the fact that I’ve been consuming many bottles’ worth over the last week means that I have consumed a freakishly large amount of beverage calories when I ordinarily consume zero beverage calories. It’s a psychological thing I have. I hate wasting calories on beverages! But you do what you have to. I’ll know I’m better when I can stop downing a whole bottle of Gatorade in two minutes.

On the plus side, Gatorade was on mad sale at the Safeway this week. COINCIDENCE? Do you need further proof that God is on your gentle giraffe’s side? Well, it would be nice if He healed your gentle giraffe, but absent that, I think the Gatorade miracle is reasonably impressive.

At some point I had coughed so much and so hard that I pulled a muscle or something, and now it freaking KILLS every time I cough unless I am curled up in the fetal position, which isn’t always convenient. In point of fact it is usually not convenient. It is not as bad as the cough I had when I was pregnant with Elvis. For one thing, I am not incontinent. For another thing, I have only pulled one coughing muscle. For another thing, a baby will not be coming out of my body any day now. And it is nowhere near as painful as when I had pleurisy in 1999. Have you ever had pleurisy? FREAKING HORRIBLE. But this is not like that at all.

And yet, I still manage to be unhappy. All I can think is how much I just want to lie down and go to sleep and not lift a finger to do anything. If I didn’t know better, I’d think I had a man cold.

So Sugar Daddy was gone this weekend–off helping his mom pack up her house so she can move up here permanently for real. I taught the 10-year-old Sunday school class by myself. That went okay. Surprisingly okay. I almost thought they were humoring me. Anyway. Monday all the kids were home, it being Memorial Day and all. I told them that I wasn’t going to grill for Memorial Day (because I don’t grill)–grilling being the way we express our thanks for the people who died for our freedom to cook meat outdoors–but if they cleaned their rooms I would take them out for hamburgers. They totally went for it. On Tuesday we had pizza because we always have pizza the night before the housekeepers come. On Wednesday SD was home and I actually cooked dinner. Tonight SD was not home and I couldn’t for the life of me decide what we should eat. I decided to get a rotisserie chicken from the Safeway, which almost counts as real food. I did make a salad. Okay, so I also made Pasta-Roni, but the salad was real salad made with actual ingredients. Tomorrow the boys all go camping. I don’t know what we’ll eat then either. I definitely don’t know what we’ll eat when everyone is home again on Saturday. And Sunday.

At least Monday is SD’s birthday and we’ll go out to dinner again.

Speaking of SD’s birthday, it totally sneaked up on me again. Stupid birthdays that fall at the beginning of the month. I don’t think about anything that happens in a particular month until I’ve flipped the calendar over. I don’t have an excuse for forgetting Father’s Day. But back to the birthday–I remembered that it was coming up, and I also realized that I had not done any shopping and I had not given any thought to when I would take the kids shopping, nor had I given any thought to what my husband might actually want for his birthday. Also, I realized that it was too late to order anything from Amazon and get free shipping. Unless I joined Amazon Prime and got free two-day shipping. Which I did. No, I realize that’s silly, but I’d actually been thinking about getting it for quite some time–it was just the birthday emergency thing that pushed me into doing it, which makes it seem a little less silly, at least to me. It might still be silly. But I got birthday presents for my husband and free shipping, so…you know, free shipping that costs $79 a year, but still. Free shipping.

Anyway, I’m not finished with the birthday shopping. SD indicated that he would like a new socket set. I got him a socket set, once upon a time, but apparently all the sockets have been lost. So I’ve been researching socket sets because I don’t remember anything from the last time I researched socket sets, and I realize that I know absolutely nothing about buying socket sets or any kind of tools, and I hate shopping at places like Home Depot because…I don’t know. I just feel like such a woman there. Not in a good way, like man! I feel like a woman or feeling like a natural woman, but if-I-ask-anyone-to-point-me-to-the-socket-sets-they’re-going-to-look-at-me-like-I’m-such-a-woman woman. I’m hardly the only woman shopping at Home Depot, mind you. There are women working at the Home Depot, unlike the situation at the Ace Hardware. Let me tell you, the Ace Hardware around these parts is a very hostile shopping environment for a woman. You couldn’t pay me to go back there. But I digress. I don’t know. It’s the fact that I know nothing, absolutely nothing, about tools or home improvement or anything, and I just feel very inadequate while I’m there. There are so many aisles and so many things and I don’t know what any of them are for. My husband is more comfortable buying tampons than I am buying tools. I would rather buy condoms ribbed-for-her-pleasure than buy tools. It’s just a very embarrassing experience for me.

I was kidding a little bit about the condom thing. But only a little bit.

In a mere two weeks the kids will be out of school. I’m starting to have a panic attack. Next paragraph!

Tomorrow I have to go to the doctor to check my thyroid. I might ask her to do something about my freaking cough while I’m there.

Mister Bubby just watched a very depressing episode of Quincy about child abuse. From what I can hear of the soundtrack, it appears that he is now watching an episode of Quincy that might have a stripper in it. Oh well, it was the ’70s. Should be relatively tame.

Maybe I should get off my can and put these dumb kids to bed. But if I stand up, I might start coughing again.

I titled this post “I’m freaking losing it” because that was what was on my mind when I started writing, but I realize that I never did get around to the subject of me freaking losing it, and now we’re at 1400 words. I will have to tell you about me losing it another time. Unless you think you can guess. Maybe you will have to.

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