So this morning I was reading another article about Newsweek’s cover story wondering whether or not Mitt Romney is too wimpy to be President. That’s right, these are articles about articles. Articles more about headlines, really. They don’t go much beyond whether or not it’s cool, in this day and age, to call a man a wimp. I’m okay with it, actually. I mean, in theory. I don’t know if Mitt Romney is a wimp or not. I do think it’s interesting that Newsweek would regurgitate its 1987 wimp smear on George H.W. Bush. On the one hand, they know that a lot of conservatives are leery about Mitt Romney being another wishy-washy Republican like Bush 41, so clearly they’re playing off of that. On the other hand, George H.W. Bush was twice the man his Democratic opponents were, so if Mitt Romney is even half the man H.W. was, his odds of winning this election are about even. I think. (Fractions are hard.)

Still, when Democrats start spreading rumors that someone’s a wimp, attention must be paid–because we know how much importance Democrats place on their candidates being macho he-men. Republicans have to make sure they’re keeping up. Okay, enough giggling. It’s not as stupid a question as it sounds. You gentle readers know my theory about predicting presidential elections, so you also know what it’s time for…


When I first saw the Newsweek cover about Romney possibly being a wimp, I thought, well, that’s interesting. I mean, he is a rich guy who probably doesn’t have to fight many of his own battles. He has “people” to do that. Plus, he’s supposed to be a devout Mormon and what are Mormons all about? Naive teenagers preaching the gospel on bicycles. Not the manliest image. Though the truth is you have to be in pretty good shape to ride a bicycle everywhere, and pretty tough-skinned to take all that rejection. Tough-skinned or oblivious. Rich people are also oblivious, I’ve heard. Well, so much for that angle.

But it’s not like Romney has to be some uber-macho tough guy. He just has to be tougher than Barack Obama. And let’s be honest, politics aside–what magnitude of toughness are we talking here? Between the two of them, Mitt is the only one with a documented history of bullying. On the other hand, Pres. Obama doesn’t really have any hair to cut, so the former governor is going to have to think outside the box if he’s going to prevail.

The president doesn’t look like much–he’s kind of skinny–and progressives have complained about him rolling over for the Republicans every chance he gets…but that’s when he’s governing. When it comes to something really important, like winning an election, Barack Obama will pull out all the stops. He’ll fight like a girl. And I’m not saying that in a pejorative way. Have you ever watched girls fight? They’re relentless! They’re all take-no-prisoners guerilla warfare. And heaven knows Mitt has plenty of hair to pull.

Of course the President is too dignified to go for the jugular immediately. He’ll bob and weave and float like a butterfly and whatnot, giving Mitt a false sense of security and suddenly out of nowhere BAMMO! Direct hit, straight to the crotch. Not that he believes in punching below the belt. He doesn’t. He’ll keep his hands where we can see them and surreptitiously kick Romney in his place of business. And then everyone will tweet double entendres about Romney’s business career. Like “no one can accuse him of being CEO of anything anymore!” Or something cleverer but less suitable for a family blog.

No, it doesn’t look good for Romney. Except that he’s damn good at evading stuff. And if he’s like any Mormon I know, he’s going to have an impressive level of endurance. (All those long church meetings.) People are always saying how he doesn’t seem quite human, that he’s more like a soulless automaton. Well, what if he is a soulless automaton? What if he can’t feel pain? Like a zombie. Zombies are even more relentless than girls. How do you kill a zombie? I don’t remember. But it doesn’t matter because a robot is different from a zombie anyway. In order to disable him, the president would have to locate his power source. Maybe that’s what’s in Mitt’s missing tax returns. Hmmmm…

This is a real tough one to call, kids. What do you think?