You thought I was gone forever, didn’t you? No, you didn’t. You were just wondering when I was going to drag my sorry can back here and make a lame joke about not being dead yet. No, wait, don’t tell me. I’ll get it. I’ve got it!
YOU WEREN’T THINKING ABOUT ME AT ALL.
It’s like you have this whole other life without me, of which I am unaware.
So it’s a brand spanking new year, which means I’m going to have a conversation with myself about how I can improve. Why do I do this every year? Does it really make any sense that I should feel inspired to better myself just because I have a new number to write on my checks? That reminds me, I wrote a couple checks yesterday. Did I write 2012 or 2013? I remember thinking to myself, “How am I ever going to remember to write 2013? I’m pretty sure I’m going to forget it’s not 2012 anymore.” When I think stuff like that to myself, it usually comes true. So why do I think that kind of stuff? Because I can’t help myself. That’s the same reason I make New Year resolutions, because I can’t help myself. I’ve tried not to do it, but as soon as I think, “I’m not going to do that,” I’ve as good as done it. My brain does what it likes. It’s its own organ. The brain’s an organ, right? It’s not a muscle and it’s not a fruit, so…organ seems right. Anyway. I think I should probably start a new paragraph. That would be an improvement for sure.
Last year I had a pretty awesome idea–at least I thought it was awesome. I resolved to do stuff, but only for one month. Like, in January I think I decided I was going to be on the internet less. And since my laptop broke in December, that was pretty easy. I think that’s what gave me the idea in the first place, since I knew I’d probably have a new laptop by February. And then I could make a new resolution for February, since the one for January would definitely have to be broken. I don’t remember what my February resolution was. I think in March I was going to stop swearing. Who knows, but I definitely stopped making the resolutions by about…April. It’s too bad, because it was a really awesome idea. I should do it again this year, only I will try to make it to May or June. And then in June I can think of a different self-improvement program. I did that one year, too–made June resolutions. That’s a pretty awesome idea, too. I’m full of them. Maybe my resolution for January will be to remember all the awesome ideas I ever had and resolve to try them again some other month.
Or, I could resolve to read more romance novels, because I am rocking that so far. That’s like my sister‘s awesome idea of writing a to-do list and putting down stuff she’s already done just so she can cross something off. Maybe for this year’s resolutions I will just pick stuff I’ve already done and then I will be set for the rest of the year. Learn to play the piano–check. Get a bachelor’s degree. Check. Start a career–check. Throw my career down the toilet–check. Have kids–check. Fix my teeth–in the process but possibly will be finished with it by the end of the year, and then check checkity check.
This is the best idea I’ve ever had.
I’m not promising anything, but it just occurred to me that if I managed to blog once a week, I would have about 40 more blog posts this year than last year. It’s just a thought.
Another good project for January is to finish all the stuff I meant to get done in December. I actually made an end-of-the-year resolution in 2012 that I almost kept. I think that is another brilliant idea. Don’t resolve to do anything until about December 12–then finish out the year on a high note. I came so close to keeping that December resolution; I think this year I could really nail it.
Today all my kids went back to school. So far I have clogged for about 90 minutes and partially unloaded the dishwasher. GO MAD GO MAD IT’S MY BIRTHDAY. I’m a little punchy. I didn’t sleep well last night. I eventually had a dream that I was flying a helicopter. Only it wasn’t a real helicopter, it was more a flying machine. It was to helicopters what Vespa scooters are to motorcycles, but I was really proud of myself because I don’t like heights. I’m afraid of heights, actually, but I flew this sucker to the mall and everything. It was actually super convenient. I was scared out of my mind, of course, but what a rush. I was only going to the mall as a favor to a friend, and actually she wasn’t a real friend but just someone I’d met who needed a ride, and I think I just wanted to prove to myself that I could fly a helicopter, or maybe I just wanted to look badass for this new acquaintance. I don’t know. It made sense to me at the time.
Do you know how nice it would be if I really had a miniature helicopter that I wasn’t afraid to fly? And it wasn’t raining all the time?
In other news…I got new wires for my braces on Dec. 31. Note to self: do not go to the orthodontist on a holiday when you might want to eat something. Oh, holy crap those things were tight. We had some friends over and my husband made ribs. I had to eat them with a fork–the ribs, not the friends–because I couldn’t use my front teeth for anything. I tried biting into a banana and immediately had to curl up on the floor in a fetal position. I’m mentioning this because it’s been a week now and I can finally brush my teeth without wincing. I might try eating a sandwich later. You know, without cutting it into little pieces first. I’m actually kind of hungry right now.
What else can I tell you? No! Enough of me. What can you tell me, gentle readers? I hereby resolve that you all will make more comments on my blog. Just for January, of course. Unless you get in the habit and find you can’t stop yourself. I won’t complain.
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January 7, 2013 at 11:38 pm
MDearest
Last year my lone resolution was to see more movies than the year before. I faithfully reported them on facebook, because that’s what facebook’s for. I more than doubled my movie attendance, so, success. This year I am still thinking about what I should resolve. My thoughts keep centering on neglected home organization projects, and I keep rejecting any resolutions involving housework.
January 8, 2013 at 12:54 pm
madhousewife
No resolutions involving housework. Those are doomed to fail. DOOMED.
I attend, on average, 2 or 3 movies in the theater per year. Usually at least one of those is a kids’ movie that I’ve taken the kids to. (If it’s 3 movies, then two of them are kids’ movies.) The good news is that when I do see a movie in a theater, it is usually awesome. (Exception: Ice Age 3. There was a heat wave and we went for the air conditioning.) The other day I saw Skyfall. It was awesome. Probably I will see the new Star Trek this summer. That is already double the number of non-kids’ movies I usually see. So already 2013 is pretty crazy.
January 8, 2013 at 1:10 am
A. Reader
Welcome back. I like your idea of making a resolution at the end of the year and doing it right then. No stressing about it all year. The tight wires sound yucky.
Dreams can be really weird.
January 8, 2013 at 12:55 pm
madhousewife
The trick is remembering to resolve something in December.
January 8, 2013 at 6:52 am
thewoobdog
Last things first, since it’s the last bits that are freshest in my mind and I’ll have to scroll up to find the bits that made my inner commenter (so often squashed) jump up and down in her seat with her hand raised:
I remember braces. More specifically, I remember when I first got them and tried to take a bite of my cheese sandwich (we’re not talking cheddar, here – it was a thin slice of American cheese on two soft nutritionless pieces of white bread). The utter agony and all-encompassing Gehenna that enveloped my ENTIRE FACE is a memory that has not faded ONE LITTLE BIT in the ensuing 26 years. I think it made such an impression that every time my wires were tightened after that I would only eat soup for days.
Now, backing up – the to-do list thing of writing something I’ve already done just to check it off? So guilty of that. I try to fake myself out with it so I get that feeling that I’ve actually accomplished something (and usually Myself buys it and we have a few moments of inner joy and satisfaction before my snarky inner “bench” ruins everything). I’m currently feeling the most empathy with Adrienne Martini, when she wrote, “Few things give me quite the same satisfaction as crossing something off a list or meeting a goal. If I meet a goal and THEN get to cross it off a list, the thrill is so great that I have to lie down until it passes.” Part of me is overjoyed to have found a kindred spirit, while another part of me is looking at that first part and thinking, “That’s sad. That’s just sad. You need a life.”
Okay, I’m going to stop now. This is probably more commenting than I did in the whole last year combined, so you can check off that bit in the last paragraph…
January 8, 2013 at 12:57 pm
madhousewife
Thank you for helping my resolution come true!
P.S. I love that you said “bench.”
January 8, 2013 at 2:50 pm
Flip flop mama
So my resolution last year was to stay on schedule for the Sunday School lessons for the Book of Mormon. And I did it! I was so proud of myself because I’ve never read the week’s lessons in advance–let alone at all. I’m going to try to do that again this year with the D&C.
I will try to comment more this year to help you out 🙂
January 9, 2013 at 12:13 pm
madhousewife
Thank you. And good luck with the D&C. I tried reading that once…
January 9, 2013 at 11:29 am
tamard
I think I can help with your resolution for us to comment more.
January 9, 2013 at 11:31 am
tamard
There, now I’ve double my comments from last year already!! Also, braces suck, I remember eating baby food apricots and campbell’s bean and bacon soup for a few days every month. I think I’ll try the monthly resolutions thing, it sounds good.
January 9, 2013 at 12:15 pm
madhousewife
Yay! Double comments!
January 9, 2013 at 11:52 am
bythelbs
You know what’s on my list so far this year? Watch 50 billion hours of English period dramas. It’s the only thing ON my list, but at least it has a nice fat check mark by it!
I’m always so happy to see you.
January 9, 2013 at 12:16 pm
madhousewife
I have a resolution to watch Downton Abbey this Friday. What other period dramas have you been watching? I will need something to fill the empty void when DA is finished.
January 9, 2013 at 2:52 pm
bythelbs
Little Dorrit, North and South, Wives and Daughters, Cranford, Lark Rise to Candleford…I feel like I’m missing something.
January 10, 2013 at 10:23 am
Mother of the Wild Boys
I don’t get why we need to resolve to do anything.
On a sidenote, I saw a show recently about working-moms vs stay-at-home moms, and I think they finally found a common ground…the host said, “I don’t want to have my kids at home 24/7, and I don’t want to work. I just want to be a stay-at-home person.” 😉 Now there’s a resolution I could get behind!
January 10, 2013 at 1:26 pm
madhousewife
SAHP is my new career goal.