You thought I was gone forever, didn’t you? No, you didn’t. You were just wondering when I was going to drag my sorry can back here and make a lame joke about not being dead yet. No, wait, don’t tell me. I’ll get it. I’ve got it!


It’s like you have this whole other life without me, of which I am unaware.

So it’s a brand spanking new year, which means I’m going to have a conversation with myself about how I can improve. Why do I do this every year? Does it really make any sense that I should feel inspired to better myself just because I have a new number to write on my checks? That reminds me, I wrote a couple checks yesterday. Did I write 2012 or 2013? I remember thinking to myself, “How am I ever going to remember to write 2013? I’m pretty sure I’m going to forget it’s not 2012 anymore.” When I think stuff like that to myself, it usually comes true. So why do I think that kind of stuff? Because I can’t help myself. That’s the same reason I make New Year resolutions, because I can’t help myself. I’ve tried not to do it, but as soon as I think, “I’m not going to do that,” I’ve as good as done it. My brain does what it likes. It’s its own organ. The brain’s an organ, right? It’s not a muscle and it’s not a fruit, so…organ seems right. Anyway. I think I should probably start a new paragraph. That would be an improvement for sure.

Last year I had a pretty awesome idea–at least I thought it was awesome. I resolved to do stuff, but only for one month. Like, in January I think I decided I was going to be on the internet less. And since my laptop broke in December, that was pretty easy. I think that’s what gave me the idea in the first place, since I knew I’d probably have a new laptop by February. And then I could make a new resolution for February, since the one for January would definitely have to be broken. I don’t remember what my February resolution was. I think in March I was going to stop swearing. Who knows, but I definitely stopped making the resolutions by about…April. It’s too bad, because it was a really awesome idea. I should do it again this year, only I will try to make it to May or June. And then in June I can think of a different self-improvement program. I did that one year, too–made June resolutions. That’s a pretty awesome idea, too. I’m full of them. Maybe my resolution for January will be to remember all the awesome ideas I ever had and resolve to try them again some other month.

Or, I could resolve to read more romance novels, because I am rocking that so far. That’s like my sister‘s awesome idea of writing a to-do list and putting down stuff she’s already done just so she can cross something off. Maybe for this year’s resolutions I will just pick stuff I’ve already done and then I will be set for the rest of the year. Learn to play the piano–check. Get a bachelor’s degree. Check. Start a career–check. Throw my career down the toilet–check. Have kids–check. Fix my teeth–in the process but possibly will be finished with it by the end of the year, and then check checkity check.

This is the best idea I’ve ever had.

I’m not promising anything, but it just occurred to me that if I managed to blog once a week, I would have about 40 more blog posts this year than last year. It’s just a thought.

Another good project for January is to finish all the stuff I meant to get done in December. I actually made an end-of-the-year resolution in 2012 that I almost kept. I think that is another brilliant idea. Don’t resolve to do anything until about December 12–then finish out the year on a high note. I came so close to keeping that December resolution; I think this year I could really nail it.

Today all my kids went back to school. So far I have clogged for about 90 minutes and partially unloaded the dishwasher. GO MAD GO MAD IT’S MY BIRTHDAY. I’m a little punchy. I didn’t sleep well last night. I eventually had a dream that I was flying a helicopter. Only it wasn’t a real helicopter, it was more a flying machine. It was to helicopters what Vespa scooters are to motorcycles, but I was really proud of myself because I don’t like heights. I’m afraid of heights, actually, but I flew this sucker to the mall and everything. It was actually super convenient. I was scared out of my mind, of course, but what a rush. I was only going to the mall as a favor to a friend, and actually she wasn’t a real friend but just someone I’d met who needed a ride, and I think I just wanted to prove to myself that I could fly a helicopter, or maybe I just wanted to look badass for this new acquaintance. I don’t know. It made sense to me at the time.

Do you know how nice it would be if I really had a miniature helicopter that I wasn’t afraid to fly? And it wasn’t raining all the time?

In other news…I got new wires for my braces on Dec. 31. Note to self: do not go to the orthodontist on a holiday when you might want to eat something. Oh, holy crap those things were tight. We had some friends over and my husband made ribs. I had to eat them with a fork–the ribs, not the friends–because I couldn’t use my front teeth for anything. I tried biting into a banana and immediately had to curl up on the floor in a fetal position. I’m mentioning this because it’s been a week now and I can finally brush my teeth without wincing. I might try eating a sandwich later. You know, without cutting it into little pieces first. I’m actually kind of hungry right now.

What else can I tell you? No! Enough of me. What can you tell me, gentle readers? I hereby resolve that you all will make more comments on my blog. Just for January, of course. Unless you get in the habit and find you can’t stop yourself. I won’t complain.