We went to church with my sister on Sunday. Princess Zurg went to Primary (children’s Sunday School) with her cousins. Princess Zurg has a love-hate relationship with Primary. On the one hand, she finds it a lot less dull than the sacrament service. On the other hand, it is still a little too “churchy” for her tastes. She likes the classroom portion, when they discuss the application of religious principles to real-life situations. She doesn’t enjoy when they read from the scriptures because there aren’t enough girls in them. (She has particular disdain for the Book of Mormon, which is heavy on war stories and mentions only three women by name, one of whom is a harlot of no consequence. That really galls her.) She likes the singing…sometimes, when they’re not singing “annoying” or “childish” songs. In other words, it’s really more of a tolerate-hate relationship.
I feel her pain. I wasn’t too fond of Primary at her age, either. I wasn’t too fond of church, period, and the feeling didn’t become warmer or fuzzier when the teen years hit. I found the church youth programs alternately dull and condescending. Or perhaps both simultaneously. I was probably around thirteen when I decided I just wasn’t going to go to church anymore, because what were my parents going to do, make me? Well, actually, it turned out they could. I think so, anyway. It was a long time ago, and I remember them putting up with my crap for about three weeks, and then the jig was up. I don’t remember exactly what “changed my mind.” I suppose I was just a people pleaser at heart. Anyway, that’s another story. My point is that I sympathize with PZ’s frustration, but at the same time, she’s only ten and not a very responsible ten, and I’m not going to let her just stay home by herself. I don’t think she even wants to stay home by herself. I think she wants us to change religions. That’s not apt to happen. And like I said, we need to take her with us, if only to keep her off the streets.
Historically, PZ has acted out in very loud, very public ways during various portions of the worship service, starting when she was about, oh, two? Two-and-a-half? We were walking into the chapel one day when she suddenly threw herself down on the floor and started screaming, “No! No church! NO JESUS CHRIST!” The incident was all the more remarkable because PZ at that age was more or less non-verbal much of the time. It would take more motivation than I currently have to provide you a laundry list of PZ’s childhood impieties; suffice it to say that the above anecdote is representative of the rest of the iceberg.
We don’t “allow” PZ to disturb other people’s worship–not any more than her school teachers “allow” her to disturb other students’ learning experiences–and in the last couple of years, she’s made great strides in the Appropriate Church Behavior department. In the last several weeks, though, she’s been particularly vocal with her complaints. This Sunday was no exception. Girlfriend was not hip to strange church nurseries, so I was walking the halls with her and happened to pass by the Primary room, where the kids were learning a new song called “Home Is Where the Heart Is.” (Technically, it’s not “new,” but this generation of kids did not know it.) The second verse goes like this:
with strength and wisdom true.
Home is where there’s Mother,
and all the children, too.
Out in the hall, I did my mental Marge Simpson grumble–“Hrmmmm”–and hoped that I had just misheard the lyrics. They didn’t actually set up Father as Mr. Strength and Wisdom whilst lumping Mother in with the rest of the household members who needed his righteous dominion, did they? Well, probably they did, but I was reserving judgment for the time being. Right about then, my sister (who happens to be the Primary president in her ward) came out to the hall and told me that PZ had been quite disturbed that Father got strength and wisdom, while Mother just got stuck with the kids. Yes, we chuckled over it, but I also said, “Good for her.” At least that’s what I was thinking. Inside the Primary room, they were still practicing the song and the music director was telling the kids, “This time, sing it like you mean it.” PZ burst out, “But I don’t mean it!” And at this moment, as much as I wanted her to suck it up and not make a scene or embarrass her cousins, I also couldn’t help but think, “That’s my girl!”
For those of you not up to speed on your Mormon Minutiae, the LDS church has a fully correlated curriculum–it’s a by-product of the David O. McKay era as documented in David O. McKay and the Rise of Modern Mormonism (fascinating read, I assure you)–which means that Primaries all over the world teach their kids the same lessons and the same songs. This “Home Is Where the Heart Is” song is, unfortunately, part of the 2008 Primary program set to take place in October, in every Primary on the face of the earth, including ours. So this was not the last time PZ will have to be affronted by this song, as well she knows. She’s written (and mailed) a letter to the General Primary Board, hoping that the lyrics to this song will be changed by prophetic mandate before the October program. No, we have not yet begun to see the end of PZ angst over this topic. And I have to tell you, this time I’m grateful for my daughter’s utter inability to let stuff go. It may be sad and wrong, but part of me is actually looking forward to her complaining every week about this song. I hope she complains good and loud. It’s nothing new–folks in our Primary are used to PZ’s feminist rants–but it has the potential for something big. Like what? I don’t know. It’s just so rare that I can support my daughter’s righteous anger, and I’d like to relish it, if you don’t mind.
I realize how silly this must sound, making such a big deal out of a little song–really, only a little part of a little song–as though I didn’t belong to a patriarchal church with a treasure trove of gender disparities that are hard to reconcile with my basic sense of justice, not to mention logic. You’re probably wondering, all things considered, if Madhousewife doesn’t have bigger theological fish to fry. Well, yes, ordinarily I do. But this is not a theological fish fry. It is a cultural fish fry. Where the fish are sometimes coated in theological batter. I’m going to abandon this metaphor before it destroys me. Next paragraph, please.
I know I belong to a patriarchal religion. I’ve come to terms with that, in a way. I had to find a way to live with it, so I did. Find a way, I mean. And the fact is, most Mormon women don’t feel oppressed by the church’s patriarchal structure. I don’t feel oppressed by it. It is more an intellectual annoyance than anything–because, in fact, there is much in the religion that is empowering to women. Some Mormon women don’t even find it difficult to reconcile those aspects with the patriarchal ones. I am not one of those women, but that is neither here nor there. The church continues to evolve on gender issues. Some things really have changed; others really haven’t. But the fact remains: back when this “Home” song was written, it was not controversial to assert that men had authority over their wives and children, but these days no one would get up in church and say that without ducking. Today there is an increased emphasis on wives and husbands being equal partners, even while the church refuses to repudiate the patriarchal order.
This is frustrating for most Mormon feminists, who would rather deal with open sexism than this political correctness, but I’ve chosen to take the church at its word. We believe in both patriarchy and equality–fine. It may not make sense, but neither does a lot of other stuff; it’s religion, not rocket science. I can dig that. What I can’t dig–won’t dig–is the notion that this doctrinal paradox mustn’t produce cognitive dissonance. Some folks don’t have the cognitive dissonance; I appreciate that. But they need to understand that their lack of cognitive dissonance is attributable to faith, not reason. Not that reason doesn’t inform faith; it does. But religious mysteries cannot be “solved” by reason alone. That is why they are mysteries. I don’t want to remake church doctrine to suit my personal sensibilities, but I insist on acknowledging the mysteries, so I insist on acknowledging the cognitive dissonance.
This is why I’m happy to have my daughter publicly object to this silly Primary song–not because I think it’s a hill worth dying on, but because I know it’s not a hill the church is willing to die on either. It’s just a tiny thing that niggles at me, and so I niggle back. It’s easy to say, “Well, it’s just a song, and there’s a rhyme scheme and a rhythm to maintain, and it doesn’t mean that Mother doesn’t have ‘strength and wisdom true,’ just like Father, but there just wasn’t enough room to say it that way, and for the love of Mike, it’s just a song, what do you want, Madhousewife/Princess Zurg?” But it’s also just as easy to point out this: A hundred little things add up. My daughter hears this song and thinks it diminishes women. I think it infantilizes them. It’s not devastating; it’s not abusive; it’s just annoying–nothing more than annoying, in and of itself. But if the church wants its patriarchy-equality paradox, maybe it should stop teaching my children songs that undermine its professed value of male-female equality. It’s a little thing, precisely. That’s why it’s not too much to ask.
Make no mistake–I labor under no illusion that the church is going to change this song or have it removed from the children’s songbook, nor will I be embittered because of that. I just want other people to think about it, about its implications. Something they won’t be able to help doing when my daughter runs out of the room screaming every time they sing it.
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May 28, 2008 at 10:21 am
madhousewife
Just in case it is not clear–no, I do not intend to let PZ run around screaming in church with impunity, nor do I wish to give her the impression that such behavior is acceptable so long as you’re really, really upset. I will encourage her to voice her concerns in a respectful, non-crazy way. But I’m a realist–she will probably do at least a little bit of screaming between now and October.
May 28, 2008 at 11:06 am
cheryl
Huh. I thought the exact same thing you did when I heard the lyrics for the first time. Didn’t help that the primary chorister was new (obviously within the last two months or so) and so very out of touch with teaching children how to sing (I mean, seriously? You think repeating the words, all dull-like will help them learn it? Adults don’t even like that, new-chorister-person, why would small children?!), but it is interesting how something so small could mean something so big.
I’m one of those women you mentioned that doesn’t mind the whole Patirarchy-Equality thing. Mostly for the reasons you stated, too (mystery, etc.), and because I figure I know so little in comparison to…say…Prophets…the Lord…you know. But that doesn’t mean, also, etc. etc. and so forth, that I don’t like the sexism found in tiny nooks and crannies of church life.
I looked up the composer/author of the song and was surprised to see it was written by a woman. Huh. Oh, well. Good for your daughter for not liking it! And good for you for teaching her respect for others. Seriously, you’ve got a leader on your hands and I’ll be danged if she doesn’t turn out to be just as wonderful as you want her to be!
May 28, 2008 at 11:47 am
marlajayne
I thoroughly enjoyed this and found myself almost chuckling aloud in a couple of places. What a precocious little girl your princess is! My daughters, as bright as they are, would probably not even have paid any attention to the lyrics. About it being a little thing, sometimes the little things are the big things.
I too buy into the patriarchy-equality thing. All I have to do to convince myself that LDS women are better treated than most women on the planet is to chat with friends of other denominations, read about females in other cultures, or look at the way my sweet son-in-law treats my daughter.
May 28, 2008 at 11:48 am
marlajayne
P.S. What was the second verse like?
May 28, 2008 at 11:50 am
madhousewife
That WAS the second verse. The first and third verses are innocuous. I think I will lobby for them singing only the first and third verses in the program. You know, if I’m in the lobbying mood.
May 28, 2008 at 1:11 pm
qsysue
Our primary’s been learning that song, too, and I didn’t notice the sexism in it. Something else in it bugged me, but I can’t think what. Can’t remember the rest of the words now. How do the other verses go?
I also get a little bugged just by the whole “home is where parents are so great” idea in a lot of LDS hymns/songs. Not everyone has great parents or fantastic homelives.
May 28, 2008 at 1:55 pm
bythelbs
I had the same reaction to the song, but decided I would choose to believe that both father and mother had strength and wisdom because well, duh, of course mother is strong and wise. But obviously it doesn’t sound like that when you sing it (well, actually, it’s pretty obvious it was meant exactly how it sounds).
These are the verses:
Home is where the heart is and warmth and love abound
Home is where warm, circling arms go all the way around.
Home is where there’s father, with strength and wisdom true.
Home is where there’s mother and all the children too.
Home is where our Father, who dwells in heav’n above,
Guides us in the way we live and lets us feel his love.
I am not at all surprised it was written by a woman. I would actually have been surprised to find it was not written by a woman.
Our primary chorister was more concerned about the children who come from families with homes that don’t include a mother and a father. Being divorced herself, she is sensitive to this and I don’t blame her. She prefaced the song with a little speech about how we all come from all different kinds of families and they are all good and all loved by Heavenly Father.
Let us know when you hear back from the General Primary board!
May 28, 2008 at 2:21 pm
qsysue
Oh. Yeah it’s the last verse. Home is where Heavenly Father guides us and lets us feel his love? That just doesn’t make sense to me.
May 28, 2008 at 2:40 pm
Boquinha
This is one of the most enjoyable posts I’ve read in a while! Can your daughter and our daughter please be penpals? How old is she anyway? I like her.
May 28, 2008 at 4:02 pm
Jody
This is hilarious. Can you please email me? I think you have my email address with the comment. If not, you can find contact information on my blog. I’m serious!! Please!
May 28, 2008 at 4:18 pm
Steve Evans
Awesome.
May 28, 2008 at 6:08 pm
madhousewife
bythelbs – SD has the same concern about these types of songs, as he was raised by a single mother. She was widowed, of course, so she always told them they didn’t have to sing the Father’s Day songs–because if Daddy came home to their house, they probably wouldn’t be climbing up on his knee, but more like running away in fear.
qsysue – I know what you mean about the “home is where parents are so great” business. It’s all very sweet if you have loving parents, but if you don’t, it’s just a steaming pile of irony. Not everyone has an earthly home with parents kind and dear, but everyone is still a child of God. (I’m going to go off on a tangent here and complain about the “I Am a Child of God” book with the Greg Olsen pictures, which someone gave me–it’s a very nice book except for the page that says, “I know I am a child of God because He surrounds me with people who love me and keep me safe.” So how does the child who’s NOT surrounded with people who love him and keep him safe know he’s a child of God? Badly done, book! Why don’t people run these things by me before they print them?)
May 28, 2008 at 6:37 pm
qsysue
Exactly.
May 28, 2008 at 7:20 pm
madhousewife
Boquinha – PZ is ten. How old is your daughter? PZ would love to have a pen pal–though she’d probably just want to talk about Corpse Bride all the time. 🙂
May 28, 2008 at 8:34 pm
Mark IV
I’m so glad that there are people like you and your daughter in the church.
May 28, 2008 at 8:39 pm
Boquinha
K is 8. She hasn’t seen Corpse Bride, but she’s a big fan of having strong opinions. 😉
May 28, 2008 at 10:14 pm
tracy m
I can totally HOPE my daughter shows that kind of spunk someday!
May 28, 2008 at 11:14 pm
Beth
Ahh… so at least I’m not the only one who shudders at certain things. It’s nice to know that I’m not the only misfit, I’ll probably have kids just like that too someday. Misfits aren’t bad, they add spice to life.
May 28, 2008 at 11:30 pm
janeannechovy
Go PZ!
Mad, I was primary chorister here for 3.5 years, and there were multiple occasions on which I a) changed out the assigned song(s) for one(s) I liked better; b) made choices on which verses to sing based on avoiding offensive (to me) lyrics; and c) taught small changes to lyrics to eliminate sexist language. I never got any opposition from the primary leadership, usually just an ‘oh, I never thought of it that way’ reaction. That is, if it ever came up (because it usually didn’t–they gave me pretty free reign).
May 29, 2008 at 2:25 am
john f.
I think it would be nice if every home had a father who was full of strength and wisdom. My sense is that any and every child would benefit from being raised in a home where there is both a mother and a father, provided that the mother and father are both full of strength and wisdom (i.e. I don’t necessarily think that it is the presence of both mother and father per se that would benefit the child but that both work in tandem in raising the child and that they exhibit such qualities as strength and wisdom, among others).
May 29, 2008 at 6:31 am
ajoi
loved the read
instead of ‘oxymorons’ we should call it ‘oxy-mormons’?
Come to think of it, of the Children’s Songbook CDs we only listen to the fifth one with all the wiggling songs (in the leafy treetops, et al).
my eldest is the exact opposite, doesn’t speak up for himself when he’s not with us. Drives me nuts.
if you need petition signatures I’m there! *wink*
May 29, 2008 at 7:34 am
mormonsoprano
Great post! Well voiced.
What is refreshing is that your daughter is THINKING about the information coming at her. Obviously, a gifted mind. I was always quite outspoken myself. When I was 5 years old I marched home from primary and announced that I “want to be a missionary – when I have grown a foot or two” too! It should. I spent the next 16 years growling whenever anyone didn’t mention sister missionaries or only seemed to think that serving a full-time mission for the young women was a fall-back option if you couldn’t find a man by the time you were – **gasp** – unmarried by age 21! (growl growl) Ok, so you get the idea. ….it’s certainly a topic I could blog about for hours…but back to topic, what is important is that each child feels loved, validated and empowered by when they are at church. No matter what their home situation, or their gender. It is good to be mindful of the messages we are sending – and strive to make church a safe haven for the spirit and the mind. This happens one person at a time. PZ is a good representative that our rising generation is raising the bar. 🙂
May 29, 2008 at 7:43 am
mormonsoprano
[I “want to be a missionary – when I have grown a foot or two” too! It should.]
whoops – that should read
“….grown a foot or two”, too! It should not be relegated just to the boys, I protested! I wanted all those blessings and exciting opportunities, too! (my mother smiled to herself and nodded)”
~~~~
And by-the-way, yes. I served a full-time mission despite receiving a few marriage proposals. I made my future husband wait for ME. It was unorthodox then, but I am happy to see this is becoming a common practice now.
Ok, shutting up now.
May 29, 2008 at 8:41 am
madhousewife
Well, I sure don’t want to come off as some whiny grump who thinks we should dump all songs about strong fathers and sainted mothers; I think songs touting the ideal can be inspiring. But the message should be “good parents help you feel God’s love,” not “good parents are proof that God loves you.”
May 29, 2008 at 8:45 am
madhousewife
And not “good parents are a father who’s strong and wise and a mother who follows him like an obedient little girl.” (You know, it’s possible to do this without sarcasm, but I’m not sure I want to.)
May 29, 2008 at 9:29 am
Steve Evans
Hey madhousewife, could you shoot me an email? I can’t seem to find contact info for you.
May 30, 2008 at 6:42 pm
Anna
This post was hilarious, and I like PZ. What a smart girl to question things, and take them apart and look at them.
I’ll be checking back on this blog.
June 1, 2008 at 3:42 pm
Amber @ Soggy Cheerios
I had the same sort of thoughts as our kids were taught this song in primary. Good luck on her letter writing campaign.
June 3, 2008 at 3:22 pm
Kareteka
I don’t think the church teaches men and women are equal. Just listen to the “women worship” on mothers day, and all the teachings on how “women are more righteous” and “women are more spiritual.” Further, these are teachings going back to the early church — not a modern politically correct interpretation. Men are often regarded as “carnal and devilish,” with the women being a moralizing influence.
So, it cuts both ways. In the end I think all humanity is equally righteous and wicked.
June 7, 2008 at 8:24 am
Ann
Kareteka, the “woman worship” is part of the 19th century ideal of the angel mother. The church appropriated it and maintained it long after everybody else had abandoned it. Sort of like blacks and the priesthood. If you take cultural norms and call them doctrine, it’s a lot harder to dump them later.
June 7, 2008 at 9:48 am
Ziff
Great post, madhousewife! It’s great that your daughter is so perceptive. And I love your conclusions like
I insist on acknowledging the cognitive dissonance.
So often we adults are (or maybe just I am) so practiced at not even acknowledging things like this that it’s helpful to have a sharp kid like your daughter look at them with a fresh eye.
June 9, 2008 at 6:35 pm
Boquinha
Equally righteous and wicked? How about equally stupid and smart? Love this comic . . .
August 1, 2008 at 2:58 pm
M
Madhousewife, your daughter is showing traits of being gifted, particularly her sense of justice and questioning of authority. I wonder if you have had her tested? I’m providing a link, which will tell you some of the other characteristics, if you are not already familiar, and also information on what to do if you suspect that she is.
She sounds absolutely wonderful, not to mention wildly entertaining!
http://www.gifteddevelopment.com/What_is_Gifted/characgt.htm
October 15, 2008 at 3:16 pm
BHodges
Indeed, as I said elsewhere, we removed v.2 when we sang it for our primary program. It feels good knowing we weren’t alone in making a change.
May 17, 2011 at 4:21 am
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